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Jimmy Carter is One Angry Son of a B***H
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| jfk-pilot |
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I Got What America Needs Right Here
By Jimmy Carter
January 9, 2008 | Issue 44•02
Carter Opinion
Sometimes I'm a little stupid, maybe, a little slow in the head, so I'm wondering if you can help me get something straight. Maybe you can help me understand one ing thing right now, America, and explain to me what in the Christ is going on here. 'Cause, unless I'm missing something, this country is in the middle of a mothering storm, and I have no ing idea what you're gonna do to get out of it. I mean, are you seriously considering voting for one of these bags you got here in '08? Fat ing chance.
Way I see it, America needs a president who's gonna somehow un-royally screw up the Middle East, do some serious cleaning up after you dropped your pants and took a steaming dump all over the ing environment, and—boom!—restore dignity, honor, and all that to these United States.
See, I got solutions to all your problems—I got 'em right here in my big, hairy ballsack.
You better get down on your hands and knees and kiss Jimmy Carter's rosy-red Georgia-peach-picking ass and beg me to run your ing country again, because there's no way I'm ever gonna come to you -knobs and politely ask you if I might please be a presidential candidate in your precious in' election. So you can just bite my cock. I've had it with you jerkoffs and your jerkoff candidates.
You actually seem to think one a' these s is gonna prance in and wave a magic wand and make everything all nice again. Look at you, sitting there like a common ing schnook and eating all their bull about bi-ing-partisanship, and how they have all the goddamn answers. Let me tell you something: These fags are dog compared to Jimmy ing Carter, all right? I was arbitrating Mideast crises when this bunch was still sucking on their mamas' titties.
But who comes to me, huh? ing nobody. Why ask old Jimmy anything? What the could he know about peace in the Middle East? It's not like he ing won the Nobel Peace Prize for that . You myopic pricks. Back in '79, I sat Sadat and Begin right down and made those two dicklicks shake hands. It was beautiful—I had all the pieces lined up and I smiled and waved in my best ing suit and tie right there on TV. And what do you do, you pieces of ? You screw the whole goddamn pooch.
s.
Oh, what's that I hear? The weather's all screwy? You got a global warming problem? Boo-ing-hoo! I was telling you morons to turn off your lights and unplug all your at night to conserve energy in 19-in'-75, for chrissake. Gee, I wonder what woulda happened if we'd all switched to solar power like I ing did back when we had a ing chance to do something about it. Think we'd still be sucking Saudi Arabia's dick like a five-dollar whore? I sure as didn't get no fancy Oscar for that little spiel, though, did I? No. But Al Gore, that cum-sucking pig, steals the from me and now he's the greatest thing since Jesus Christ made a ing sandwich.
Well, he can lick my right after George W. Bush, that .
You want compassion? Somebody who's looking out for the little guy? Why don't you take a look at Jimmy Carter, 'cause unlike, oh, every mothering candidate out there, he spent the last ing quarter-century building houses for the homeless. And what does he get for it? A ing hernia. Some ing gratitude, you selfish twats. You talk to me about compassion? I'll shove a crucifix so far up the Democrats' asses they'll be asking me to buy them dinner and kiss them good night.
Funny thing about me: I actually ing know ! Not like these goombas trying to weasel their way into the White House. I practically wrote the book on collapsing bridges, inflation, and the working poor, -o. I even got a degree in nuclear engineering or some . You know how easy I could swoop down right now like a guardian angel and solve all your ing problems? Snap. Bam. Do it in my ing sleep. Just ing try me.
So you want me to run for president again? Yeah, sure, absolutely, I'll do it. I'd be honored to do it—with my ing dick in your mouth, you worthless scumbags.
You had your chance with Jimmy Carter, and you ing blew it. So get ed. ing country.
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:toocool:
http://www.theonion.com/content/opinion/i_got_what_america_needs_right |
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| Krypton |
| That can't be word for word from Carter? Why would a former president use expletives in a op-ed? |
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| jfk-pilot |
| quote: | Originally posted by Krypton
That can't be word for word from Carter? Why would a former president use expletives in a op-ed? |
yea i really doubt carter really wrote this, but its still pretty funny. |
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| idoru |
| It's The Onion, of course he didn't write it. :p |
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| inconspicuous |
| Jimmy Carter is about as relevant to the world as Carson Daly is. |
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| Lebezniatniko |
| quote: | Originally posted by Krypton
That can't be word for word from Carter? Why would a former president use expletives in a op-ed? |
LOL
whooooooosh! |
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| Whip_lash |
| Thats some sersiouly funny .... if he actually said all that then kudos to him, hes right. |
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| DjDeComp |
| quote: | Originally posted by inconspicuous
Jimmy Carter is about as relevant to the world as Carson Daly is. |
ha:haha: |
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| denys envy |
| Jimmy Carter was the second best President of the United States, ever. |
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| Lebezniatniko |
| quote: | Originally posted by denys envy
Jimmy Carter was the second best President of the United States, ever. |
I would probably rate him third, but I agree that he was highly under-rated. Way ahead of his time on a lot of issues. |
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| denys envy |
| quote: | Originally posted by Lebezniatniko
I would probably rate him third, but I agree that he was highly under-rated. Way ahead of his time on a lot of issues. |
...yeah i could see that too. a lock for top 5 in my book. |
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