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Jokes in here!
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| dj_mdma |
How Do You Screw A Fat Women?
Slap Her Thigh And Ride The Ripple :whip: :whip: |
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| dj_mdma |
An army Major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic syphillis, Sir" "What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day." "What's your ambition?" "To get back to the front, Sir." "Good man." says the Major.
He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic piles, Sir" "What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day." "What's your ambition?" "To get back to the front, Sir." "Good man." says the Major.
He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?" "Chronic gum disease, Sir" "What treatment are you getting?" "Five minutes with the wire brush each day." "What's your ambition?" "To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir" |
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| dj_mdma |
Q. Why wasn't Jesus born in the USA?
A. God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin. :D :D |
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| dj_mdma |
A third grade teacher came in to the room one day and found a drawing of a penis on the blackboard. She suspiciously looked at her students but didn't say anything. Instead, she rubbed it off. The next day, she came in and saw another drawing of an even bigger penis on the board. She frowns and rubs it off. The third day, she came in and saw another penis drawn on the board. This time, it's huge, covering up almost half of the space.
She couldn't take it anymore so she screams out to the room full of noisy children, "Why do you kids like drawing this penis on the board? And why is it getting bigger each day?" Little Johnny then screams out back to her, "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets." |
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| dj_mdma |
| This guy runs home and bursts in yelling, "Pack your bags honey, I've just won the lottery!" She says "Oh, that's wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or the mountains?" He replies, "I don't care... Just get the out!" |
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| dj_mdma |
The Priest and the Rabbi An elderly priest invited a young rabbi over for dinner. During the meal, the young rabbi couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening he began to wonder if there might be more between the elderly priest and the housekeeper than met the eye. Reading the young rabbi's thoughts, the elderly priest volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional.
"About a week later the housekeeper came to the elderly priest and said, "Father, ever since your young rabbi friend came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful sterling silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it do you?" The priest said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write him a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Rabbi: I'm not saying that you DID take a sterling silver gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you DIDN'T take it.
But the fact remains that one had been missing ever since you were here." Several days later, a letter came from the Rabbi. It read: "Dear Father: I'm not saying that you DO sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you DON"T sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now." |
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| dj_mdma |
Three men, a Scotsman, a Englishman, and a Irishman, are sentenced to spend 15 years in solitary confinement. The judge, feeling sorry for the men, decides to allow each to take with him whatever he wants. The Scotsman says, "I'd like to take a woman with me." The judge reluctantly agrees, and the Scotsman takes his wife and heads off to solitary.
The Englishman says, "I'd like to take a telephone with me." The judge agrees, and off goes the Englishman with his telephone.
The Irishman pulls out a hand-held calculator and furiously punches the buttons for a few minutes. He then announces, "I'd like to take 3,000 cartons of cigarettes with me." The judge agrees, and off goes the Irishman with his cigarettes.
After 15 years they open the Scotsman’s cell, and out comes the Scotsman with his woman and 15 children: "It wasn't so bad...."
The Englishman emerges and announces he is now a multimillionaire, having set up a successful business by telephone.
The Irishman then comes out, trembling like a leaf, and says, anybody got a match?" |
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| Cosmo |
Enjoy! :D
The patient awakened after the operation to find herself in a room with all the blinds drawn.
"Why are all the blinds closed?" she asked her doctor.
"Well," the surgeon responded, "They're fighting a huge fire across the street, and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation had failed."
Doctor: You only have six months to live.
Man: I can't pay the bill.
Doctor: Alright, I'll give you another six months.
A distraught man ran into the doctor's office.
"Doc!" The man screamed, "I've lost my memory!"
"When did this happen?" asked the doctor.
The man looked at him and said, "When did what happen?"
A father brought his son into the doctor because the boy had a matchbox car shoved up his nose. All the while the doctor was trying
to remove the car, the father kept saying "I don't know how he did it!" Finally the doctor removed the car, and the father and son left.
A few hours later, the father came back with the matchbox shoved up HIS nose. He told the doctor, "I know how he did it!"
Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill lady appeared in a Rochester hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot. The horrified nurse said, 'Why didn't you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?'
The lady said, 'My phone doesn't have an eleven.'
Cessna: "Control tower, Cessna 145, student pilot, I am out of fuel."
Tower: "Roger, Cessna 145, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!"
Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is."
Posted on a vending machine in this building:
DO NOT TIP THIS MACHINE
I always tip waiters, but I never tip vending machines before.
Mechanic to customer : I'm afraid you have more of a problem than I anticipated Your battery needs a new car.
The cyclist, passing a pedestrian crossing, runs into a man, and they both fall down.
-"Geez, are you lucky." The cyclist says.
-"What do you mean by lucky ?" The pedestrian angrily asks. "I got hurt really bad."
-"Ah, you're lucky because I recently lost my license. I usually drive a bus." |
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| Munken |
| quote: | Originally posted by Cosmo Cessna: "Control tower, Cessna 145, student pilot, I am out of fuel."
Tower: "Roger, Cessna 145, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!"
Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is." |
Nize one :) |
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| Uisgdlyast |
ok, so a bear and a rabbit are in the woods. The bear leans over to the rabbit and says "does stick to your fur easily?" the rabbit says no so the bear picks him up and wipes his ass with him.
At the right moment it is a funny one |
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| quddha |
| quote: | Originally posted by Uisgdlyast
ok, so a bear and a rabbit are in the woods. The bear leans over to the rabbit and says "does stick to your fur easily?" the rabbit says no so the bear picks him up and wipes his ass with him.
At the right moment it is a funny one |
nono, you told it wrong dude.
"a bear and a rabbit are taking a in the forest. the bear says to the rabbit:
'do you have a problem with sticking to your fur?'
the rabbit says
'no actually, i don't'
so the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.
:D |
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