| juzfugen |
i thought ya'll might get a kick out of this
> > Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners and
> > Northern Urbanites:
> >
> > 1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's
> > just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook
> > something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.
> >
> > 2) Don't laugh at our Southern names (Merleen, Bodie, Luther Ray,
> > Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, etc). Or we will just
> > HAVE to kick your ass.
> >
> > 3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here
> > it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying damn whether it's Pepsi, RC,
> > Dr.Pepper, 7-UP, or whatever - it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing
> > otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.
> >
> > 4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g.
> > Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a
> > lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick
> > your ass.
> >
> > 5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g. Fred Smith of FedEx, Turner
> > Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom., MTV, Netscape) Naturally, we do, sometimes,
> > have small lapses in judgement (e.g. Edwards, Duke, Barnes, etc.) We
> > don't care if you think we're dumb. We are not dumb enough to let
someone
> move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do
> that,we would kick their ass.
> >
> > 6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to
> > Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett
up
> > the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If
> > you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your
> > ass
> >
> > 7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell
> > up. Just spend your money and get the hell out of here, or we'll kick
> > your ass.
> >
> > 8) Don't order wheat toast at the Cracker Barrel. Everyone will
> > instantly know that you're a Yankee. Eat your biscuits like God intended
> > with gravy. And don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.
> >
> > 9) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will
> > get your ass kicked.
> >
> > 10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we know
> > better. Many of us have visited the Northern stinkholes like Detroit,
> > Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it
> > here, Delta is ready when you are. Move your ass on home before it gets
> > kicked.
> >
> > 11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because
> > we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand
> > what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying
> and that's all that matters. Now, go away and leave us alone, or we'll
kick
> your ass.
> >
> > 12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR
> > lakes or rivers has caught fire recently. If you whine about OUR scenic
> > beauty, we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.
> >
> > 13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say "sir" & "ma'am". We
> > hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks , because
> > such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around
our
> sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into
your
> ass just like they did ours.
> >
> > 14) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in the
> > countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy,
> > smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or Baltimore. Make fun of
> > our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.
> >
> > 15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here and tell us how
> > to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot (right after it is
kicked).
> > You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Criticize our barbecue,
> > and you will go home in a pine box - minus your ass.
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