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LOL best movie reviews, OR, movie reviews that are better than the movies themselves.
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| Silky Johnson |
RE: 'Filth & Wisdom'
| quote: | Jesus wept. I wish that was all I could say about this blundering, self-indulgent idiot of a movie. I am still reeling from the public humiliation meted out to Eugene Hutz and Richard E Grant in this, as another commenter so aptly described it, car-crash of a movie.
The script they were handed and the movie they ended up embroiled in was the equivalent of them being packed into a bright pink Lada, tweaked up to the gills on meth and viagra, naked, before being forcibly driven at top speed into an oncoming bus-load of school children, with a haul of child porn sitting conspicuously on the back seat.
Madonna's unmistakable, drooling brand of pretentiousness is smeared all over this particular steaming pile of waste. Although pretentiousness might be a bit generous, as that would suggest at least an entry level modicum of intellect with which she had to work with; this is unadulterated idiocy.
Watching this movie I was constantly reminded of that scene from A Fish Called Wanda where Klein, after being accused of being stupid, responds indignantly 'Do stupid people read Russian philosophy?'. Curtis' answer kept running laps around my attention span: 'Yes, they do, they just don't understand it.' This sums up the driving force behind the pretentious, empty-headed fumbles this movie attempts to make in an effort to inject it with some kind of profundity, the like of which will no doubt appeal to people who have never experimented with thinking before, but alas will leave anybody who can spell the word 'wheelbarrow' without spell check smacking their heads off the nearest hard surface with contempt for the foolishness being hurled in steaming handfuls at their functioning brains.
They spray-painted Richard E Grant's hair gray for crying out loud. Not content with humiliating the man through the woeful string of drivel that was disingenuously entitled a script, they physically marked the man's person to make him look as foolish as the movie itself. There should be some kind of association for prevention of cruelty to actors set up if you ask me, Madonna would surely get the chair for what she did to Hutz and Grant. For shame...
I've given this movie 1 point because I like Hutz and Grant, 1 point because I like Gogol Bordello who provide much of the music and style evident in the movie, and I would give it another point for the car-crash quality that kept me glued to it in disbelief, reveling perversely in how progressively terrible it kept getting by the second.
It's that kind of morbid fascination you get if you smell a really bad fart, disgusting, repulsive, but morbidly fascinating that it can actually be that bad and actually be getting more repellent. But since there are clearly people commenting here who insist on over-rating this nonsense, waste-of-time testament to Madonna's failed education, I will withhold that third point.
If you like Grant or Hutz, avoid this movie at all costs; it's like watching them ritually humiliated by an idiot in the crudest and most unfortunate of fashions for a length of time that could qualify for a human rights violation. You will weep for them. I wouldn't be surprised if Guy Richie decided to distance himself from his missus on the strength of having seen this movie alone. |
:stongue: :stongue: :stongue: :haha: |
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| SuspicionVandit |
if you want ty movie reviews, there is one man.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Harry_Knowles
| quote: | A warning: BLADE 2 is an R-rated movie. This is the NC-17 Review of it. You have been warned.
For me to review BLADE 2, it is a major conflict of interest, because Guillermo Del Toro and I are brothers. His father says so. His wife believes this. Guillermo and I are just the best of friends, but when El Gordo calls my father Dad, and I call his Dad "Pops" and we delve into hours of passionate discussion about H.P. Lovecraft, Goya, Steve Ditko action, the movies and … We can lose all track of time on planet Earth.
But having attended the World Premiere of BLADE 2 last night, one inescapable thought crossed my mind during the movie. 10 to 1…. I believe Guillermo Del Toro eats better than any man alive.
Watch his ‘HOUSE OF PAIN’ sequence in BLADE 2. BLADE 2 is the tongue, mouth, fingers and lips of a lover. The Audience is the clit. Watch your audience. This is where Guillermo Del Toro goes down on the audience. [b/ It starts with long licks with a nose bump on the joy button slowly. He smiles as he does this… Watching the audience begin to squirm, then he takes the audiences’ clit in his mouth and just licks it like crazy, the audience is ready, on that precipice, then calm. He backs off… long licks again, brings in a finger to massage a bit, licks from the bottom to the top… The audience is cooing… He has them, they want release. He acts like he’s going to give it to you, takes you right to the edge, the audiences’ backs arched, ready to cum…. Backs off pinching the nipples just so, his head bobbing up to say, "You like?" The audience shifts around needing release, he builds again… The pressure at a near boiling point… Each stroke and moment a hypersensitive place… Two fingers to the sweet spot, the audience is there… right there at that point… suddenly he’s relentless taking the audience through a rampage of orgasms… trying to get away, trying to escape… back back back, but he has you, and he’s never going to let you forget this moment, the audience was electric… Frenetically frothing… Guillermo hears them begging no more, when he decides to stop for a moment, there is that relaxed calm… The audience relaxes… labored breathing… a sated smile, WHEN SUDDENLY THE RELENTLESS BASTARD IS AT IT AGAIN!!!! You begin laughing, trying to push him away, but no… more pleasure, more joy, more fun… You can’t handle it, you start giggling and screaming… And it goes like this for quite some time, till at the end… The credits roll, the theater lights come up… You look at the screen, you realize you want that tongue again… You want that feeling again, and you watch it again and again, because damn he respects the clit!
Ok, maybe I take the metaphor too far… maybe… But I had two girls around me, Patch black and blued my right forearm with slaps and rabbit punches as though Guillermo was pounding the short hairs, and Saffron (not Vegas’) gripping my shoulder from behind like frickin Spock, leaning up to my ear to say, "You didn’t tell me this was pornography!!!!" To which I grab her hand, sniffed her fingers and said, "MMMm you’re fingers are wet… enjoy!"
Now you might feel all of this is inappropriate behavior on my part, but folks, at the Q&A afterwards, the second question came from a woman on the front row that asked Del Toro "Could you comment on the vaginal influence of the Reapers?"
Guillermo looked like the wet chinned thigh splitter that he is and said, "You have to understand Make Up artists, they never get any , so they are always creating it!"
ZACTLY!
Now lest you think this film is merely pornographic, and you seemingly are living in the delusion that that is a bad thing… It is not. Guillermo likes to pretend this movie is just there to make you go, "Whoa," but only a blind man can’t see Guillermo at work here.
BLADE 2 is from Goya’s Black period. Look at the palette, the brutal primalness of the Reapers.. The sparing use of color… There is sadness amongst the orgasms in this film. There is a solemn pathetic nature to the emaciated monsters of the Reapers… A melancholy to the movie at its quiet moments. When you see the Reaper that Kris’ WHISTLER catches… "Like a coyote he’s been gnawing away at his arm to get away." There is just a captivating, can’t look away, nature of the dead, the dying and the diseased, and Guillermo understands that morbidity. You can see it in his film here.
His mounds of skulls in the sewers of Prague are not pure bones, there’s rancid strings of something so icky and nasty that my eyes did not define it. The film revels in the Grand Guignol of it all, and does it all with a smile.
A smile.
That reminds me. Many people will wonder why Del Toro’s BLADE is so much more appealing than the original, and the reason is Del Toro gets Wesley to smile… and for a bit, he takes off his glasses and we see his eyes… He strips away a bit of his cool stoic manliness and lets a bit of that kid in the cookie jar joy of naughtiness out. The result is absolutely captivating.
Ron Perlman… When Ron and Guillermo get together, there is a magic to the scenes. Go check out CRONOS, watch Ron’s vain nose obsessed bad guy. Watch how utterly delicious those scenes are with Ron. Absolutely magic. Here… Here Ron comes off looking, sounding and being just that badass you love. Reinhardt is a glorious bastard in this film. Just a fantastic ass of a man. After the film, Ron took the stage with Guillermo… He was dressed with a cool black leather jacket and a B.P.R.D. t-shirt… HELLBOY. My god folks… Having read Guillermo’s HELLBOY script… It is 100% Guillermo Del Toro and folks as cool as BLADE 2 is… BLADE 2 was a teaser… It was just licking…. HELLBOY is deep dicking!
The difference between BLADE 2 and most sequels that you see is that Guillermo wasn’t interested in making a sequel to BLADE. He wanted to make a vampire that you could be afraid of again. Not some guy with extended canines, but something you would run in mortal fear of. He wanted to create a swallower of souls… something from the inky black parts of your mind. Something new.
BLADE has subtle romance… platonic bonds… machismo posturing… and just an insane amount of ass-kicking. I hope Sam Raimi can top this with SPIDER-MAN, but can Tobey Maguire be more cool than Wesley Snipes? Does that Green Goblin costume allow for the actor to perform and improv and connect with his audience the way that Perlman does here… Or the Reapers? Then there is the fact that this is 100% R-rated… unapologetically.
Hope you enjoy Guillermo Del Toro’s tongu… I mean BLADE 2, you’ll be back for seconds. |
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| Boomer187 |
| core version plz! |
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| Silky Johnson |
| quote: | Originally posted by Boomer187
core version plz! |
No! ing read it! It's lulz the whole time, motherer. |
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| Boomer187 |
| quote: | Originally posted by jennypie
No! ing read it! It's lulz the whole time, motherer. |
A glimpse into Boomer's
Read "Jesus wept. I wish tha"
*click Quote*
Type 'Core version plz'
masturbate
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profit |
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| Silky Johnson |
lololololol
*rubs hands together* |
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| Paradox Lost |
You have got to check out the reviews for "Alone in the Dark," that hideous cinematic atrocity perpetuated by Uwe Boll (in addition to many others).
I seriously could not keep it together with some of these. Here are a few excerpts of several different reviews:
The late Gene Siskel once devised a simple method of measuring a film's worth: 'Is this film more interesting than a documentary of the same actors having lunch?' 'Alone in the Dark' doesn't come close to matching that standard.
How Uwe Boll manages to scrape together enough investment money to give wing to this type of overblown, amateurish gibberish is truly a mystery of the cosmos...
It's never good when the audience starts laughing as soon as the movie begins -- and nothing has happened.
When the giant, intelligent bees of the future sift through the ashes of our civilization, they will find Alone in the Dark, and they will understand. It's so bad it's postmodern.
Anyone who chooses to watch this film will probably be alone in the dark as most theaters will be empty.
If someone recommends you see Alone in the Dark, assume that person hates you or at least dislikes you.
Alone in the Dark is so awful, anyone who spends 10 bucks seeing it ought to get 11 bucks change and a written apology from the director and cast.
The three stars have seen better days, but I'd like to think they could still do something classier and more dignified than this. Like gay porn.
http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/alone_in_the_dark/
Come to think of it, any review of an Uwe Boll film is usually guaranteed to have some laughs.
:stongue: :stongue: |
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| Ivand |
Michael Bay Finally Made An Art Movie
| quote: | Critical consensus on Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen is overwhelmingly negative. But the critics are wrong. Michael Bay used a squillion dollars and a hundred supercomputers' worth of CG for a brilliant art movie about the illusory nature of plot.
Oh, and I would warn you that there'll be spoilers in this review — except that, really, since I still have no idea what actually happened in this movie, I'm not sure how much I can spoil it. |
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