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Big problem... heeelp!! (pg. 3)
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| junis |
| quote: | Originally posted by Julie_Spyder
thers is one thing i still do not understnad..
if she got RAped.. why is she after the sex..
last person i knew that got raped.. was too afraid to come NEAR a guy for a long time.. :conf: :conf: :conf: :conf: :thepirate |
I don't understand either! She told me it was realy no fun when these kinda things happend...:(
But hey,
No need to worry for me no more! We had a decent talk last evening and we came to the conclusion that it is better not to see eachother anymore for a while :)
Thanks for all the advice ppl :cool: I realy needed it :crazy: |
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| junis |
I came to the conclusion that I'm gonna take it easy on the girls..
Most of the time they're just a pain in the ass anyways :D
Next time I will punch the girl right away :toothless :toocool: |
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| astroboy |
When girls are sexually abused by males that are close to them (you can't get much closer than your father), particularly when they are young - they often don't know how to relate to men other than in a sexual way (hence your always fighting). She feels close to you, but feels that the only way she can relate to you/ keep you is to have sex with you (she's probably the one initiating the sex, even if you don't realise it). You need to be there for her and support her, but be strong on the sex issue - don't yell or be too negative, just always divert attention away from the sexual aspects of your relationship. Hopefully she's still young enough to learn from experience, and in time she will realise that she does not need to have sex with men to relate to them. If you act subtly and supportively you can be the catalyst that helps her get over the side-effects of the abuse she suffered as a child.
Tell us how it goes.
Good luck. |
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| junis |
| quote: | Originally posted by astroboy
When girls are sexually abused by males that are close to them (you can't get much closer than your father), particularly when they are young - they often don't know how to relate to men other than in a sexual way (hence your always fighting). She feels close to you, but feels that the only way she can relate to you/ keep you is to have sex with you (she's probably the one initiating the sex, even if you don't realise it). You need to be there for her and support her, but be strong on the sex issue - don't yell or be too negative, just always divert attention away from the sexual aspects of your relationship. Hopefully she's still young enough to learn from experience, and in time she will realise that she does not need to have sex with men to relate to them. If you act subtly and supportively you can be the catalyst that helps her get over the side-effects of the abuse she suffered as a child.
Tell us how it goes.
Good luck. |
I already thought it had to be due to something like this indeed!
Yes, she was always the one who was actually starting it all... and I feel quite bad about it, because I never said "no" when she was teasing me into it..... (I think every guy has it's difficulty's when he has to make the discicion NOT to have sex:happy2: )
If I only knew what kind of background this girl had, I never started a relationship at all. But it, you fall in love or you do not!! What am I supposed to do about that?!
It is not hard to see that this girl was abuced in her youth. She's mentally not OK at all.... so damn scared to loose a friend... I know for sure she's crying her brains out at the moment!! I had a very hard time for me to get home last evening... she kept telling me: "ahh, pleease stay a little longer"..... You know how that goes, she started tickling me, tried to hold me.... damn... pathetic!! (But I don't blame her)
I don't understand why a father would assault her own daughter... If I ever see this guy walking on the street (He never got arrested because his wife + daughter never went to the police about this)
I think I would have a hard time not to punch this guy into death...:whip: :whip: :whip: :whip: |
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| NY1004 |
| Well you say you aren't using her for sex but in actuality you are. You broke up with her meaning that you no longer have a relationship with her, sexual or otherwise. She is only 16, obviously if you are still sleeping with her she thinks you still want to be with her. SHe might be emotionally attached to you. My advice is to have some self control. If you end up having sex after going clubbing then DON't go clubbing with her. Don't put yourself in that situation or else you're asking for it. |
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| junis |
| quote: | Originally posted by NY1004
If you end up having sex after going clubbing then DON't go clubbing with her. Don't put yourself in that situation or else you're asking for it. |
I understand yes!
I won't go clubbing with her for several months. (That's what we have been talking about yesterday)
I need to get her to a stage that she will not think about me every day. Until then I won't be in contact with her by phone or whatever!
That's the only way to solve my problem!
:) |
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| NY1004 |
| quote: | Originally posted by junis
I understand yes!
I won't go clubbing with her for several months. (That's what we have been talking about yesterday)
I need to get her to a stage that she will not think about me every day. Until then I won't be in contact with her by phone or whatever!
That's the only way to solve my problem!
:) |
Yea I think it will be better for both of you if you don't speak with each other for awhile. I was in a similar situation where I was really attached to my BF and it was making me mentally unstable, so we didn't speak for about 2 weeks and I got better. I was able to deal with the break up better. Anywayz good luck to you! |
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| zzleeper |
| quote: | Originally posted by TiestoInTheMix
that's absolutely normal and it's present in like 99.9% of all ex-relationships. it's like they always say, "after we broke up i feel that she/he must not date and should be unhappy, desperate, and lonely" |
Sad but true... :( :( :( |
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| astroboy |
She probably needs your support. I'm not sure that breaking off al contact would be such a good idea. At least you have her best interests in mind. Girls in her position usually quickly find another male - and have numb meaningless sex with them, to try to find the father they never had. There is no guarantee that the next guy she finds will give a s**t about her past, and not just use her for sex. As a friend you can prevent that from happening.
The saddest thing is that most of the time she probably neither wants the sex nor enjoys it. She simply doesn't know any better. You should meet her at a public place (so she cannot make any strong advances) and tell her you're there for her and don't want to lose her as a friend any more than she wants to lose you, but make it clear that that can still happen without the sex. Be there for her but avoid situations that copuld lead to sex. |
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| junis |
Well,
She needs my support indeed, but it is too dangerous for me to meet with her... I know for myself that it wouldn't work out if we where still meeting eachother. For me and for her it's best not to speak with eachother for a while! (I know she will still call me... but I will be there for her when she does)
I think it's realy sad for her, because she's still very young, the next guy she will have will eventually be 16, 17 yeas old. What means that most of these guys are NOT in for love or anything like that.. So they will take advantage of her sexually/mentally.
That's what I'm affraid of!
She needs a guy who realy loves her.. that's the only way she can get rid of her past feelings!
She told me that I was the only boyfriend who was actually doing funny stuff with her, like going to a club, movie, etc.. All she did with her past boyfriends was sitting at home, watching tv on the couch. (Having sex I think)
She hasn't got any selfconfidence.. therefore she will do wathever she is asked to do.. very very sad :(
I sure hope that I gave her some selfconfidence in the time I was her boyfriend and that she is now strong enough to give her own opninions... But I doubt it :rolleyes:
But I'll be there for her!!! :sadgreen: |
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| sothis |
| quote: | | She needs a guy who realy loves her.. that's the only way she can get rid of her past feelings! |
no one "needs" another person to get over feelings, or to be a better person. the only person that can make that happen, is themselves. if this person, or any person had a bad break up, and then went to another partner to try to stop the old feelings, all that is doing is repressing them and not dealing with the situation. rebounds are bad.
normally, my advice would be to cut off all contact. i say this because i personally was in a relationship a few years ago, that was kind of similar to this (tho i was never abused, and i didnt have a low self esteem per say). i was "Dating" a boy who i really cared about, but he always had told me he didnt want a relationship. i chose to believe what i wanted to believe, that he did anyways, so when we "broke up" per say, even when we still hung out or slept together, i always thought i still had a chance with him.
the only thing that stopped it, was him cutting off contact with me completely. i finally got the hint. i learned a lot from that relationship, and about men.
however, in this situation it might be a bit trickier... because shes so emotionally ed. shes also still a child tho (16), and really doesnt need to be dealing with any of these kinds of adult situations anyways *insert rant about kids having sex/getting in these situations too young*. so i dunno. its hard to give advice. i still would say break it off completely.. because she only is going to change when she decides to help herself.. and having you around is probably just a shred of hope that she'll get back with you.,.. which wont help her at all, and probably make it worse. she doesnt need to go try to find another guy either. she needs some time to stop and be by herself and figure out her life... cuz relying on other people wont change the situation. self esteem is the same way. i had zero self esteem for so many years, and what brought me out of it wasnt other people.. they tried, it never worked. i had to get to a point where i realized i was worth something, on my own.
thats just my opinion tho |
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| smcmulli |
| uhhhh, hrmm your ex-gf sounds ed man (no offence) :| do what that julie person said or what ever her name was thats good advice :D |
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