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Other people paying for your stuff (and marriage) (pg. 2)
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| Lira |
I don't think that's either tribute or charity, Arbiter, but mutual support. Except, at a given time, one side will be doing most of the support (as it's hard to keep a perfect balance anyway).
| quote: | Originally posted by Vector A
I had no problems with my parents paying for all of my stuff when I was growing up. But the idea of having peers, people my own age, paying my way really bothers me. My gf and I discussed this recently, and I told her that I never wanted to depend on her salary to pursue any goals I happened to have in the future. She replied that if we were married, then the money she earned would be "our" money and it would not be a problem for her. But for some reason this still strikes me as unsatisfactory. |
How so!? If I earned the money, I'd be more than happy to share it with a spouse. Likewise, if I were going through a tough phase, I would see no problem in being helped by someone I'd immediately give a hand to if our lucks were reversed.
| quote: | Originally posted by Vector A
I would never want to rely on someone else's earnings in any significant way, even if I were married to that person and they were okay with it.
Thoughts? |
Self-reliance is, to a large extent, a myth. If you need to count on other people for emotional and intellectual support, I can't see why you wouldn't turn to them for financial support in a difficult time. |
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| LAdazeNYnights |
| quote: | Originally posted by Vector A
Things that are simply my goals or my desires (not life and death needs), I want to pay for on my own. If my money does not suffice, then tough luck for me I suppose.
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IMO- being in a serious/loving relationship, your dreams/aspirations should be her dreams/aspirations for you (and vice-versa). |
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| Nrg2Nfinit |
| So essentially what you're telling her is that you never want her to depend on you financially.. Hopefully she's dumb as a sack of bricks to fall for it. Otherwise you've dug yourself a nice hole. |
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| Lira |
| quote: | Originally posted by Nrg2Nfinit
So essentially what you're telling her is that you never want her to depend on you financially. |
No, he didn't. Unless the US is a lot more egalitarian than Brazil, what he said is that he doesn't want to depend on a woman, but the inverse is apparently not a problem for him - even because that's the norm.
I know loads of guys in Brazil that think that way. Strikes me as odd. |
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| EgosXII |
I think its a bit weird JBJ, and most likely comes from your general inability to commit, amirite?
You've posted a few times about problems with your relationship, which appear to come almost entirely from your end; or some kind of irrational feeling you have (nothing wrong with this of course, we can't control our 'feelings')... Seems like this displeasure with getting your partner's money falls into that category. I used to be very much the same, but I think its fairly immature (Because of what Lira pointed out-- "No man is an island" - Its not bad, or weak to need others, its a simple necessity, and fact of being part of society).
Money 'aint no thang- People in a serious relationship should be open with everything imo-- This is of course extremely idealistic but I personally don't see money as a big issue, and while I never ask for money or anything like that, I wouldn't be ashamed to ask if I needed it... I'd give money, so why wouldn't I receive it if I needed it?
I think its lame if couples are really closed off; and it does seem symptomatic of you being closed off that you have a kind of irrational dislike of using someone else's money for your own benefit. What's the big deal really? There's a serious level of commitment in it I think; because it feels like you owe the person (this was the whole sexist thing with the dudes buying women dinner meaning that the woman somehow owed them sex etc), so that might be why you have a problem receiving money from people...
haha, maybe I can be the new TA bedroom psychologist :p |
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| Nrg2Nfinit |
| quote: | Originally posted by Lira
No, he didn't. Unless the US is a lot more egalitarian than Brazil, what he said is that he doesn't want to depend on a woman, but the inverse is apparently not a problem for him - even because that's the norm.
I know loads of guys in Brazil that think that way. Strikes me as odd. |
He didn't, but the implication here would be a mutual agreement of his opinion between him and his significant other. If he doesn't accept money from her, then she should be obliged to not accept money from him. |
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| squirrelly |
| quote: | Originally posted by LAdazeNYnights
IMO- being in a serious/loving relationship, your dreams/aspirations should be her dreams/aspirations for you (and vice-versa). |
+1 |
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| PivotTechno |
| quote: | Originally posted by squirrelly
Yes, I am. Was. Whatever. :o
Realistically, you're an idiot if you think in the entire time you are with someone, you won't rely on them or they won't rely on you for financial security. That's part of being someone's PARTNER. You don't just say "Oh, you broke now? PEACE!". You do what's best for your futures, individually and as a couple.
This clearly applies to a regular relationship, not a gold-digging or a scumbag relationship where the person has always been a leech - but as once you turn into an adult and have a real (functional) relationship, you'll understand.
If you've been married to someone for 10 years, and you both have been putting your all into the relationship, both financially and emotionally, and one turns to the other and says "I'd like to drop down to working part time so that I can further my education", and you're the cold hearted douchebag that gave her a hard time about it - don't be surprised if she murders you in your sleep because you were a selfish jackass.
And someone will ALWAYS make more money than the other - that doesn't mean you can look down your nose at your partner and say "I make more money than you so I get to make decisions about what we do with it".
You know what your abused s.o. is eventually going to say? "Take your money and off."
:o |
spot
on.
And you won't learn this until you're in a committed, long-term relationship. Guessing, supposing about this sort of thing is an exercise in futility. |
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| PivotTechno |
Mentsch tracht, Gott lacht.
Commendable that you don't *want* to put yourself in that position; doesn't mean the possibility of it ever happening doesn't exist. |
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| Lira |
| quote: | Originally posted by Vector A
Also, contrary to what some of you have assumed, I have no problem with someone relying on me for help, even people who are not likely to be able to pay me back anytime soon. But it is not a position I want to put myself in. |
Isn't it cultural? There are quite a few things about American culture that are completely alien to me and, although I left home in my mid-twenties, most of my friends only leave home when they marry, whereas Americans apparently have to leave home in their late teens/early twenties (No one would make fun of Nou here for this reason, quite on the contrary). It feels as if Americans need to feel they're "standing on their feet" more than we Brazilians do.
And I'd go as far as saying it's Emerson's fault :p |
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