Trinidad man keeps asking about the nature of love
ASSOCIATED PRESS, TRINIDAD - A man from Port of Spain in Trinidad has been asking repeatedly for years about the nature of love. The inquiring character, who offers little insight as to what the answer might be, is apparently still recovering from a rough break up from a couple of decades ago, and can't quite understand why his lover isn't around any more. "I don't know, why you're not there; I give you my love, and you don't care", says the man, called Nestor Haddaway. According to neighbours, the jilted philosopher just asks not to be hurt - although to this day no one knows exactly who could be inflicting all this pain on his soul.
"What is love? Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more" is the most recognisable part of his plea, which may go on for more than three minutes at a time, unaware of how ironic the whole thing is.
"Oh, I don't know, what can I do? What else can I say, it's up to you!", Nestor told an Associated Press reporter earlier this week. He's reported to have said "I know we're one, just me and you! I can't go on!" as the reporter fled the house running, scared the man may actually be a clingy maniac. "When we are together, I need you forever... Is it love?".
According to our reporter, no, it isn't love, this is just creepy, and he hopes Nestor won't try to contact him ever again.
Your turn :D
Lira
quote:
Sandstorm hits Finland
REUTERS, HELSINKI - According to unreliable sources, archaeologists suspect a sandstorm may have hit Finland sometime in the latter half of the last century. According to researchers, some of the noise produced by the flying sand can still be heard echoing in sound systems all across Finland.
"Toot toot toot tut-tut-tut-toot toot", seems to be the sound associated with this uncommon phenomena.
"Daokkallo päkkällä! Perkele!", a Finn from Helsinki told our reporters... although no one knows for sure what exactly he means by that, as we're still having trouble deciding whether Finnish really is a language.
"I just came here one day and all I could hear was disgruntled people babbling words that don't seem to make any sense, and a distorted square wave sound playing repeatedly on the radio", says English spy Matt Acton. "This is creeping the hell out of me, I'm off to Estonia, getting stoned with my Estonian girlfriend", he said afterwards
Researchers from Vantaa University promised they'd publish the results of their analysis next month, although no one things their results are credible. "They're named after a fizzy drink, for Christ's sake! I know it because I sell it to them, though they don't seem to get the name right", says Nick Ziptnf, an American musician also visiting Finland.
"Maybe the sandstorm is to blame", he muses. "All this toot-toot-toot may have affected their speech organs".
OrangestO
Sushipunk
Love the first one :stongue:
Lews
Can we just take a second to recognize how ing amazing What Is Love is?
Lira
quote:
German singer wanted for abuse of power and identity fraud
FRANCE PRESSE, FRANKFURT - In what seems to be the worst case of identity fraud ever registered in Europe, German singer Jay Supreme claimed to be, among other things, "Mister Raider", "Mister Wrong", and "Mister Vain", confusing his victims. An assistant seems to have induced victims to call him all these names prior to the deliverance of his speech.
"He suffers from the worst case of narcissism ever", says Slye Lee, a psychologist of the University of Frankfurt. He claims "the simple fact is he's all that and he's always near", eventually suffocating his dazzled victims. "He claims he knows what he wants, and he wants it now", says the psychologist. He wants you, and he wants a little more.
It's possible he's just trying to fill a gap in his soul. According to one of his victims, "Girls are all over the world, they hope and pray and die for a man like him because he's the one... or so he says".
The German Ministry of Health also suspects he could be the patient zero of many recent DST outbreaks, due to confessions like "Yeah I keep many females longing for a chance to win my heart with s-e-x and plenty", recorded on his rhythmic manifesto easily found all over Youtube. Suspicion is, he may have a strange case of acid gonorrhoea, and the discharge may kill whoever manipulates his genitalia in the wrong manner, as evidenced by words like "Get a look at male epitome (...) that makes you want to grab and hold and squeeze real tight: Who's gonna be the one to save you from yourself?". Still, he makes sure victims know he wants them, linking his desires to his status in order to make his case more compelling.
Jay Supreme also goes by the name "Adolf Hipster" in certain internet forums, all being part of his web of intrigues and fake identities.
Sushipunk
Damn it lira, I was trying to think of one for that!
Lira
Haha, you can have the same piece of news reported by a different news agency :D
I promise I won't write more of these for the next 12 hours (off to bed + lecture in the afternoon)
Meat187
quote:
New Jersey girls gets date-raped during New York clubbing trip
A young girl from New Jersey recently became the latest victim in a series of sexual assaults occurring in the NY Club scene. The victim is only fifteen years old and has blond hair and blue eyes. She resides with her parents in New Jersey.
And one night she and her friends decided they were going to come to New York City.
"My Parents are away and I'll take their car, they will never know!
We're gonna have a great time!" she said.
And they drove over the George Washington Bridge and drove downtown to the Limelight. This is where she met the offender, who still remains unidentified. Police officials say the victim described him as a really cute guy wearing notably high shoes.
"They had a good time, they danced for hours and hours; and she had a few drinks too!" explained NYPD officer Oliver. However, at one point the man invited her to his place. The couple took a taxi via 3rd Avenue and 11th Street, heading for the NYU dorm rooms. They went upstairs, and, according to the victim, sat on his bed when suddenly the man offered her a pill.
Trusting her new acquaintance, the young woman thoughtlessly consumed it and only afterwards inquired what the substance she had been given was.
"Ecstasy." he said. And then...
He ed her all night. ed her all night. ed her all night.
itsamemario
She didn't get date-raped, though. They just had e-fueled sex. Big. ing. Difference.
netroM
Am I the only one who's imagining Jon Snow reading all of these reports?
Lira, if you haven't seen his contributions to "The Big Fat Quiz of the Year" from the past 6-7 years (from the Anniversary Quiz and onwards), you should definitely check them out. All of the shows are on youtube.
ASSOCIATED PRESS, TRINIDAD - A man from Port of Spain in Trinidad has been asking repeatedly for years about the nature of love. The inquiring character, who offers little insight as to what the answer might be, is apparently still recovering from a rough break up from a couple of decades ago, and can't quite understand why his lover isn't around any more. "I don't know, why you're not there; I give you my love, and you don't care", says the man, called Nestor Haddaway. According to neighbours, the jilted philosopher just asks not to be hurt - although to this day no one knows exactly who could be inflicting all this pain on his soul.
