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Tons of jokes
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| jploveparade |
A man in his 50's bought a new Boxter and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him "There's no way they can catch a Boxter," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 ... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy having been in marketing and sales for years thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
"Have a nice weekend" said the officer.
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Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.
The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took off her panties and used them to clean herself and discarded them. The second not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself.
The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other:
" We have to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties...". The other one responded: "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that read, "We will never forget you".
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A biker walks into a convenience at about 2:30 in the morning. He walks up to the cashier and asks "Where are your tampons?" The clerk goes, "Right down on aisle three, on the end to the left." Biker disappears down the aisle and finally, about 45 min. later he returns carrying toilet paper and cotton balls. The cashier starts to ring him up and goes, "You know, I know it's none of my business, but I thought you were here for tampons." Biker goes, "Well, last week I sent my ol' lady out for smokes and she comes back with ziz zags and tobacco, by God that f****** b**** can roll her own too."
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Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and dyed brown. A few days later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"
The shepherd, always the gentleman replied, "Of course."
The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, "352."
This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."
The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.
When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?
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A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big mega-department store looking for a job.
The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."
Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You can start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many sales did you make today?" the boss asked.
The kid says, "One."
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?"
The kid says," $101,237.64."
The boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"
The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Blazer."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"
The kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, "Well, your weekend's shot -- you might as well go fishing.
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THREE TEXANS
Three Texans go down to Mexico one night, get arrested, and wake up in jail only to find out that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before. The first one is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if he has any last words. He says, "I am from the Baylor school of divinity and I believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens, so they figure God must not want this guy to die and they let him go. The second one is strapped in and gives his last words, "I am from the University of Texas school of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again nothing happens. They figure that the law is on this guy's side, so they let him go too. The last one is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm a Texas Aggie Electrical Engineer, and I'll tell you right now you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't connect them two wires!"
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A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy admitted that this was the case.
"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes, because, Southwest always pulls out on time. Your mother can explain it to you."
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A prominent Canadian doctor was visiting an American hospital.
During his tour of the floors, he passed a room where a male patient was openly and vigorously masturbating.
"My GOD," said the visiting MD, "that's disgraceful. What is the meaning of this?"
The local doctor that was leading the tour explained; "I'm afraid this man was diagnosed with a very unusual, yet serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't relieve himself in this manner at least five times a day, he has to endure incredible pain and the potential rupture of his testicles."
"Oh, yes, yes, of course," replied the visiting doctor, as if he were quite familiar with the condition.
On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a male patient a blow job.
"GOOD GOD!" exclaimed the Doctor, "How do you explain this?"
The American doctor replied, "Same illness, better health plan."
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The madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly gentleman. "Can I help you?" the madam asked.
"I want Natalie," the man replied.
"Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..."
"No, I must see Natalie."
Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the man that her charge was $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left.
The next evening he appeared again demanding to see Natalie. Natalie and the madam explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts.... it was still $1,000 a visit. Again the man took out the money, the two went up to the room and an hour later, he left.
When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. And again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went.
At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?"
The man replied, "I'm from Philadelphia."
"Really?" replied Natalie. "I have family who lives there."
"Yes, I know," said the man. "Your father died, and I'm your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you the $3,000." |
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| Linx_da_cat |
| lol. jp where you gettin' all these from? |
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| Essential1 |
| quote: | Originally posted by jploveparade
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big mega-department store looking for a job.
The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas."
Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You can start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many sales did you make today?" the boss asked.
The kid says, "One."
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a day.
How much was the sale for?"
The kid says," $101,237.64."
The boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"
The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Blazer."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"
The kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, "Well, your weekend's shot -- you might as well go fishing. |
ROFL!!! This one made me choke on my drink!!! |
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| jploveparade |
| I need to find more of these |
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| cHiLD |
| dude, you find the best jokes! :haha: :haha: :haha: |
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