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Am I being unfair?
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| Chimney |
It's about a friend of mine since the early teens. We used to party a lot (him drinking beer at the bar and me dancing) and hang around 2009-2010 until he moved abroad. After moving, we kept in touch and continued partying whenever he came around during summers.
This guy is pretty anti-social. He's your usual mobile-addict who can't keep a conversation for longer than 1 minute with anybody without checking his Facebook or Whatsapp. He is extremely shy when it comes to women and his current relationship is due to the fact that the chick picked him up after signaling him forever without him doing a move.
Lately, as in this year, I've been the only one calling and approaching him on social media asking how he's been. In February he forgot my birthday - one year previous to that he had called me at the stroke of midnight - but I didn't get upset since I knew he was busy and probably had other stuff on his mind. He remembered a month later and wrote to me a message. After that he never once contacted me again although he was pretty much all time on whatsapp, so I gave up as well.
A week ago he came into town and phoned me. I respectfully told him that I didn't want to speak to him anymore due to the hypocrisy of only contacting me when it suited him.
My girlfriend and other friends didn't comment a lot on the subject.
But now I'm having doubts whether or not I'm butthurt and actually the or simply doing what is right, hence this thread. Really need some objective views on this. |
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| Silky Johnson |
It's only unfair if you didn't first talk to him about your expectations. I fully endorse cutting people off if their friendship doesn't add something positive to your life and vice versa - but you can't just make a move in a relationship without talking about first. People aren't mind readers, and you'd be surprised how willing they are to meet you halfway when they actually know what you want.
It doesn't really make sense to turn your back on someone if they don't even know what the problem is and haven't been given an opportunity to work on it. |
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| Mr.Mystery |
The guy you described might as well have been me, except without the constant need to check my phone. I also find it incredibly difficult to start conversations - especially if I have nothing to say. I just don't have the idle chit chat in me.
Bottom line is that he did contact you and you rejected him. |
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| Trance-M |
Zak McKracken's answer sounds familiar to me and is good advice. Indeed don't think about it to much.
Sort of enjoy the contact if there is any. I also stopped taking initiative all the time at one point. Saying I don't want to speak to someone makes me feel bad later on. I accepted the situation, but it's still not nice.
Getting older and having other priorities also has to do with it of course, but if someone was a very close friend for many years it still sucks. |
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| SYSTEM-J |
Some people just become flakey like this for one reason or another. You can get annoyed by it or you can just live and let live. It sounds like you've taken it personally that he has ignored you. Someone who is unsocial and unconfident is going to take it badly if you pointedly reject him. He's probably going to construe that as you being pissed off with him, which will make him less likely to get in touch. Your approach is unlikely to make the guy message you more often and very likely to ensure you never see him again.
My approach here would be to stop trying to contact him if it's a waste of time, but if he's in town and you've got no other plans, why not meet up with him and catch up? This kind of happens more and more when people become adults with busy lives. Either you take the opportunity to catch up with someone when it comes or you lose contact because your pride got wounded. Your choice. |
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| Chimney |
| @ Jenny & Mr Mystery: I fully understand what you mean. This guy is on whatsapp talking to his group of Dutch friends. And yet he never once bothered to ask me how I am...reason why, while I understand is reticience towards people and by no means blame it, I find the whole deal to be pretty ty off his behalf. |
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| Silky Johnson |
In contrast to my other post, you also cannot expect people to do/act/say as you would do. While I think it's important to make your expectations explicit, you also have to let people be who they are and express their affection/friendship in their own way.
I have a friend who finds herself constantly disappointed by people, to the point of huge blow out fights because she "Would never do/say/act that way" and she feels these people have purposely wronged her, when really the problems she creates are a result of her not allowing people to be who they are.
I dunno, there is a fine balance. But again, I fully support ending relationships that are more work than they're worth or are more negative than positive. |
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| Vivid Boy |
| I dont know I dont have this problem. I am a pretty social guy and people just kind of call me to do things. My issue is afternoon and evening me have 2 different energy levels so sometimes i say yes to and then fall asleep lol |
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| planetaryplayer |
| Lol that's like my friend. Most of my friends forget my birthday or don't say anything anyway as I don't use facebook lol |
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| Big Worm |
| Don't worry too much about it. It might seemed weird and strained now, but give it 6 months or the next opportunity arises to hang out. This too shall pass kind of stuff-- seems like a big deal now, but it won't be down the road. |
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| DJ RANN |
It's difficult but honestly, I don't have time for people who are ty friends, unless it's always been the type of take it and leave it relationship. It's not that difficult to wish someone a happy birthday and , we all miss someone's from time to time, but it's when you realize it's a personality trait or a sign of a much bigger personality issue that it's a problem;
I had a very close friend that I recently cut off because I realized that they just have a different set of values for someone you could call that you're "close" to.
Very similar situation to the OP apart from the friend in question is really social and will talk to ing anyone, anytime.
The problem was he totally forgot both my and my missus birthdays after a year of doing a load for him, even letting him crash and storing at my house.
His birthday was a big deal and made sure we all knew about it - We got him gifts and went out clubbing for his birthday and most of it was on our tab.
Then he missed mine, and I was like, whatever, it doesn't matter then he missed the GF's and I was like do you think we just skipped ours this year?
I then realized that often we would get togterh and it was always some last minute or badly planned . Every ing time. he was also a mess when it came to his peronal organization (like losing keys and like that).
I know that it wasn't malicious or that he even realized that he missed our birthdays, but that he's just not the type that really though about, and that was his common thread. he just didn't really think of other people as much as he thinks about himself. I remembered his last GF split up with him because he basically didn't put much effort in to the replationship after the initial chase.
I decided I just don't need people in my life, at least people I consider "close friends", that badly that I'll tolerate completely different standards of friendship or even common decency/etiquette.
Sure I'll see him and catch up but I'll never go out of my way and frankly if I didn't see him again it won't be a massive loss.
Also think as time goes on you need less friends and more genuine ones. |
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| Jon_Snow |
| quote: | Originally posted by Vivid Boy
I dont know I dont have this problem. I am a pretty social guy and people just kind of call me to do things. My issue is afternoon and evening me have 2 different energy levels so sometimes i say yes to and then fall asleep lol |
Pasta is your problem |
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