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Jokes part 3
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| jploveparade |
John was in a bar looking very dejected. His
friend, Steve, walked over and asked, "What's
wrong?"
"It's my mother-in-law," John replied, while
shaking his head sadly. "I have a real
problem with her."
"Cheer up," Steve said. "Everyone has problems
with their mother-in-law."
"Yeah," John answered. "But not everybody gets
theirs' pregnant."
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Technaut, wearing his kilt, was walking down a country path after
finishing off a considerable amount of whisky at a local pub. As
he staggered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to
take a nap, with his back against a tree.
As he slept, two young lasses walked down the road and heard
Technaut snoring loudly. They saw him, and one said, `I`ve
always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt.` She
boldly walked over to the sleeping man, raised his kilt, and saw
what nature had provided him at his birth. Her friend said,
`Well, he has solved a great mystery for us, now! He must be
rewarded!` So, she took a blue ribbon from her hair, and gently
tied it around his manhood, and the two walked away.
Some time later, Technaut was awakened by the call of
nature, and walked around to the other side of the tree to
relieve himself. He raised his kilt...and saw where the blue
ribbon was tied. After several moments of bewilderment,
Technaut said, `I don know where y`been lad...but it`s nice
ta`know y`won first prize!`
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An elderly couple, still very loving after all
these years, is shocked when the woman's doctor
says she has a heart condition that could kill
her at any time.
She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never,
ever have sex again--the strain would be too
much. The couple reluctantly try to live by
these rules.
Both get really horny over time, however, and
the husband decides he'd better sleep downstairs
on the couch to guard against temptation.
This works for a few weeks, until late one night
when they meet each other on the stairs--she's
coming downstairs, he's heading up.
"Honey, I have a confession to make," the woman
says, her voice quavering. "I was about to
commit suicide."
"I'm glad to hear it, sweetie," the man says,
"Because I was just coming upstairs to kill you!"
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This girl walks into a hardware store as she
needs a new hinge for a door at home. As she
takes it to the counter, the clerk asks,
"Wanna screw for that hinge?"
to which she replies,
"No, but I'll suck you off for that toaster
on the top shelf."
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One year at Halloween the governor of Illinois
was giving a costume party. All the gentry were
there and as they arrived the doorman would
announce what there characters were.
When one couple arrived he announced "Mickey
and Minnie Mouse".
As the next couple arrived he announced "Tarzan
and Jane"
and so on as each guest arrived.
Later in the evening a man arrived dressed only
in a pair of underpants but apart from that
totally naked from head to toe.
"Who do you think you are?" demanded the doorman.
Having ascertained that the man was indeed an
invited guest from the local university CS
department The doorman asked "How shall I
announce you?"
The man said, "I'm premature ejaculation."
"I'm very sorry sir" said the doorman in obvious
shock I cannot announce anything like that to
such a gathering.
"O.K." said the professor. "Just say I came in
my pants."
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Dracula dies and he went to the Pearly Gates to
meet God. God refused to let Dracula in because
of all the sins that he had done going around
sucking blood & killing.
"I'll give you a chance to redeem your sins",
said God
"I'll send you back to earth, but not in a human
form.You can be reincarnated into any other living
things of your choice. So, what would you like to
be?"
Still unrepentant, Dracula said, "OK, I want to
become a living thing with wings and sucks blood,
heh,heh, heh."
"So be it", said God and He turned Dracula into a
vampire bat.
So back to earth he went, flying around sucking
the blood of animals until one day when he got
killed by a farmer. So up he went again to meet
God, feeling a little bit sheepish (and a little
batty).
"I'll give you another chance", said God. "I'll
send you back again. BUT not as a human or a bat.
What will it be this time?"
Still adamant, Dracula said, "I still want to be
a living thing with wings and sucks blood!"
God thought for a while and then said, "OK, if
that's what you want", and turned Dracula into a
mosquito.
So back to earth again he went, flying around and
sucking blood until one day, splat, he was squashed
by his victim. So up he went again to meet God,
feeling stupid(and rather bugged).
"I'll give you one last chance to redeem yourself.
but, this time you cannot become a living thing.
You can only be turned into a non-living thing of
your choice. So what will it be?" asked God.
Still stubborn, Dracula said, "Okayyyy...then turn
me into a non-living thing with wings and sucks
blood!! heh...heh..
"No problem," said God and He turned Dracula into
a 'Sanitary Towel'. |
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| Linx_da_cat |
| heheh, good JP |
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| KilldaDJ |
wanna screw for that hinge?
ROFL :haha: |
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| Maaz |
| `I don know where y`been lad...but it`s nice ta`know y`won first prize!` :D |
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| dj_mdma |
| Well done Technaut!!!!! :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha: |
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