| jploveparade |
Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.
"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.
"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.
"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?"
"No sir, our mother."
"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!"
"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "But she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could."
---------------
Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants. Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, "Hey, Jasper, there's the Officer's Club. Let's you and me stop in."
"But we're privates," protests Jasper.
"We're sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside. "Now, Jasper, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drink."
"But we're privates," says Jasper.
"You blind?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. "We're sergeants now."
So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. "Your cute," she says, "and I'd like to screw you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea." Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what 'gonorrhea' means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."
So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign.
Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. "Jasper," he says, "Why'd you give me the okay?"
"Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhea affects only the privates." He points to his stripes. "But we're sergeants now."
---------------
woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Darla a good examination then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this but your Darla is pregnant. About 4 months would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you Darla?"
Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be damned if I'm going to miss it this time!"
---------------
A wedding occurred, just outside Cavan in Ireland. To keep tradition going, everyone got pissed and the bride's and groom's families had a storming rage and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other.
The police get called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings calm with the use of his hammer, shouting "Silence in Court." The court room goes silent and Paddy (the best man) stands up and says, "Judge.. I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened."
The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride.
The judge says "OK." "Well", said Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song.. when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her privates." The Judge instantly responded... "God.. that must of hurt!" Paddy replies "HURT!.. He broke three of my damn fingers!"
---------------
Two escaped convicts broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, 'Honey, these guys haven't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it.'
''I'm so relieved you feel that way," says his wife, "because I just heard one of them tell the other that he thinks you have a really nice, tight-looking ass!"
---------------
This guy walks into a bar, moping around, and looking generally depressed. He saddles up to the bar, craddles his head in his arms, and sits there being miserable. The bartender, sympathetic guy that he is, comes up to him and asks: "Hey buddy, what's wrong?"
He answers: "Oh hell, I just found out that my younger brother is gay, and I'm not taking it very well."
The bartender offers him a drink on the house and tries to console him. He downs the drink, proffers his thanks, and leaves the bar shaking his head.
The next day, the same guy walks into the bar, looking even more bedraggled and depressed. "Wow, what's the matter?" says the bartender. "Well" the client says, "you won't believe it, my middle brother is also gay. This is a real shock, and I don't know how to handle it!" "Here" sighs the bartender, and offers the guy another drink on the house who downs it instantly, then shuffles out the door.
Two days pass, and the miserable guy comes in looking absolutely shattered. He's a walking wreck, sobbing and muttering to himself as he saddles up to the bar. "Omigod!" says the bartender, what happened to you?" " Well, I just found out that my older brother is gay as well. I don't know what to do!" "Holy !" says the bartender " Isn't there anybody in your family who likes ?"
The shattered man looks up, eyes red, and answers pitifully, "My sister..." |
|
|
