| jploveparade |
A couple decided to go to Alaska for a romantic weekend. When they got to the cabin it was cold so the wife asked her husband to go chop some wood for the fire place. He came in after 5 minutes and told his wife that his hands were cold, so she said her put your hands between my thighs to warm them. So he did and went back outside to finish chopping wood. He came in after another 5 minutes and said " honey my hands are cold again". So she tells him here put your hands between my thighs to warm them. So he did and then he went back out to chop some more wood. 5 minutes has passed and he went in again and said, "honey my hands are cold again". She then said, " Damn don't your ears ever get cold?"
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A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman. But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life. She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!" The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years, and I thought he meant his money!"
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A preacher was visiting the old lady who played organ at the church every Sunday. He walked into her house, and couldn't help but notice that there was a condom in a fish bowl on her organ. They sat down to tea, and he asked her about it.
"Oh, it's the neatest little thing! See, I was walking along one day when I noticed a square packet on the sidewalk. I picked it up, and it said to remove from package, keep moist and place it on my organ. It is supposed to protect against disease. And you know what? I haven't been sick once since I found it!"
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Colin meets a girl on the street. He says, "Come on, babe, let's go in the alleyway and get it on. I've got fifteen bucks."
She says, "FIFTEEN bucks? You're crazy. For fifteen bucks, I'll let you LOOK at it."
They go into the alleyway, she pulls down her pants, and he gets down on his knees. But he can't see anything, because it's too dark, so he gets out his lighter. He lights his lighter, and he says, "My God, your pubic hair... it's so curly and thick... it's BEAUTIFUL."
She says, "Thank you."
He says, "You mind if I ask you a personal question?"
She says, "Go ahead."
He says, "Can you pee through all that hair?"
She says, "Of course."
He says, "Well, you better start. You're on fire."
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The teacher asks her children: "Who knows how to put a hole in another
hole?"
Little Annie answers: "I know it"
She join her thumb and her forefinger and put this ring around her mouth.
"Very good, Annie"
"And who of you knows how to put three holes in another hole?"
Little Annie answers: "I know it"
She join again her thumb and her forefinger, but put this ring around her
mouth
and her nose.
"Wonderful, Annie"
But Little Johnny says: "And how we can put nine holes in another hole?"
No-one knows, neither Annie.
The teacher says: "Little Johnny, please, tell us the answer"
"You catch a flute and you put it in Annie's !"
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The first Jewish President of the United States calls his mother in Queens
and invites her to come down for Thanksgiving. She says, "I'd like to,
but it's so much trouble...I mean, I have to get a cab to the airport, and
I hate waiting on Queens Blvd..."
He replies, "Mom! I'm the President! You won't need a cab - I'll send a
limousine for you!"
His mother replies, "I know, but then I'll have to get my ticket at the
airport, and try to get a seat on the plane, and I hate to sit in the
middle...it's just too much trouble."
He replies, "Mom! I'm the President of the United States! I'll send Air
Force One for you - it's my private jet!"
To which she replies, "Oh, well, but then when we land, I'll have to carry
my luggage through the airport, and try to get a cab...it's really too
much trouble."
He replies, "Mom!! I'm the President! I'll send a helicopter for you! You
won't have to lift a finger."
She answers, "Yes, that's nice...but, you know, I still need a hotel room,
and the rooms are so expensive, and I really don't like the rooms..."
Exasperated, he answers, "Mom! I'm the President! You'll stay at the White
House!"
She responds, "Well...all right...I guess I'll come."
The next day, she's on the phone with her friend Beckie:
Beckie: "Hello, Sylvia...so what's new?"
Sylvia: "I'm visiting my son for Thanksgiving!"
Beckie: "The doctor?"
Sylvia: "No ... the other one." |
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