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Younger siblings - growing up in someone's shadow
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| ziptnf |
Kind of a complicated subject, especially since everyone who could apply themselves to this topic probably had a much different experience than I did.
Growing up, my brother who is 5 years older than me was always the focal point of the two children in my family. He was a nationally ranked swimmer with state records and multiple scholarship offers. I was always trying to follow in his footsteps - I was a swimmer too, less skilled but I still put in the time and energy. Anytime I was introduced to anybody, I was "Nate's brother" rather than my own self. I wanted to be just like him, with all the attention and accolades, experiencing the same stuff he experienced.
I grew up always being several steps behind him, he was a much faster swimmer at my same age in almost every event through my childhood. My dreams of wanting to be like him started to fade away as I got older, because I started to realize that I couldn't be him, that I had to be myself. Instead of going down south for college and swimming for a big University, I stayed in town and went to our local University, studying engineering and graduating with a Masters degree. That accomplishment is something that he never achieved (until recently when he obtained an MBA, but I still have the M.Eng). We are different people now, but I still harbor some sort of latent resentment towards him for having more success in physical fitness.
As adults, he started running mini-marathons and improving himself. I had been running leisurely and casually until I saw him doing races, and I felt almost obligated to do the same. I'm not sure if this decision was based on my recurring need to be like him, or if I also wanted to push myself to my own limits. If I had to guess, I'd say it would be a healthy mixture of both. But now, he is pushing himself even further - century rides, full marathons, and next year he is planning on doing the IronMan (112 miles cycling, 26.2 miles running, 2.4 miles swimming). He has elevated himself to the next level and I am unfortunately finding it hard for myself to root for him as I've always seen him as that guy that I need to catch up to, in a strange sense of competition where he is my rival and I am always the underdog.
My wife tells me that we are different people with different paths in life, and to not measure myself to him. He has gone through some tough times in the last 3-4 years, going through a complicated divorce and 3 miscarriages with his now ex-wife. He turned to long distance running and cycling in order to help maintain his sanity, keeping his mind off the difficult situations and challenges he was going through.
There is still that nagging itch that I need to do what he's doing, or do better than him, because I was always a step behind growing up. I don't know how to balance my feelings towards him, because I have always been driven by his success. Full Ironman events are well out of my realm of interest and ability, so now that he has gone beyond my level, I envy him because I know I will never reach those accomplishments.
Has anyone ever felt this way about a sibling? He's my only brother and I feel conflicted when I can't get excited or happy for his accomplishments because I resent them.
tl;dr - older brother was always a step ahead of me, and even now that we are adults I still feel the looming shadow of his accomplishments |
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| Silky Johnson |
I was certainly in my sister's shadow, but not in the same way as you talk about. She was the text book golden child - daddy's girl. And I was - well - I was me, lol. It never actually bothered me though. I never felt in competition with her, but probably because I was very happy just being who I was. Also because the favouritism was simply because our personalities were so different. I actually excelled at everything and my dad was happy about that; I just didn't care to please him the same way/seek approval from him.
I looked up to my sister when I was a kid, but our parents didn't really facilitate us having a tight siblingship. I would have loved for her to take me under her wing more and be the person I could turn to first for stuff, but she was pretty mean and emotionally unavailable to me most of the time (I was mean to her too). We fought constantly.
I definitely did not like the expectation that I SHOULD be like her though. I probably would not have gotten into so much all the time if my dad and most teachers had been able to work with my unique personality. Lulz. :toothless
We get along great now that we're adults, and especially now that we both have families of our own. Grateful for maturity. Gosh, my feelings about family have changed so much in the past couple years. |
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| Dykes_on_Jay |
It all depends on your relationship with him. If you guys are tight, you are a team. I dont think people should measure themselves up as lessers to successful siblings barring if one of the siblings is a complete up. If not, there are different kinds of achievements.
Wifey hit it on the head.
As faggy as this sounds, if you want to feel a sense of achievement, help him as best you can through the rough he is going through.
From what i can acertain from you, you are doing alright.
If you dont like him. Plant a gun and some meth in his car and petition that any wins in his athletic carrer are voided.
Profit. |
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| ziptnf |
| quote: | Originally posted by Dykes_on_Jay
It all depends on your relationship with him. If you guys are tight, you are a team. |
We were best friends. But his issues drove us further apart because he needed space. Like, lots of space. Really closed himself off to not just me, but the world. I wanted him to reach out to me and tell me some of the things he was going through and I got angry with him, we fought and didn't speak for 6 months. We made up, but it happened again recently, we argued over something stupid and stopped talking. He can be very hard-headed and difficult to deal with, but I know a lot of that came from the bizarre relationship he had with his ex-wife. Slowly making our way back together but we aren't the same friends we used to be.
| quote: | I dont think people should measure themselves up as lessers to successful siblings barring if one of the siblings is a complete up. If not, there are different kinds of achievements.
Wifey hit it on the head. |
I have been trying to migrate to this mindset, where our paths in life are different and I don't need to be just as good as him, or try to compete to where I am better than him. I can only do what I can do, as long as I do my best. It has taken me some 30 years to figure that out, but I'm coming around, slowly but surely.
| quote: | As faggy as this sounds, if you want to feel a sense of achievement, help him as best you can through the rough he is going through.
From what i can acertain from you, you are doing alright. |
Yeah, I will definitely try. Maybe next year I'll be at the point where I'm making team shirts for our family as we follow him around the race course cheering him on.
I guess it has been hard for me to arrive at that mindset of being a separate entity from him because I have lived almost my entire life thinking that if I'm not as good as he is, then I have failed. In reality, I'm doing just fine on my own and maybe I can't run or bike or swim as fast, nor do I have as nuanced of a knowledge base on history (he reads voraciously), but I am my own person with my own set of things I'm good at and shouldn't try to be him. I should try to be me. |
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| Silky Johnson |
| quote: | Originally posted by Dykes_on_Jay
If you dont like him. Plant a gun and some meth in his car
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:stongue::stongue: |
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| SYSTEM-J |
I'm the older brother, and always felt more pressure to achieve. I was the academically gifted one and my brother was better at sports. It balanced out, because we were good at such different things there wasn't much sibling rivalry.
Funny you should talk about running, though. I've always been a useless sportsman but I'm a much better runner than him. He's a pretty stocky guy these days - he weighs about 30 kilos more than me. I'm built to run, no question. But then, I have a friend who never ran at all, but we dashed for a train once and I could tell immediately he was a natural runner. I suggested he take it up, and now he's smashing all the times I ever achieved. So much of physical achievement is down to genetics. When you run, you can only improve your baseline abilities by so much. It's a silly subject to be competitive about, because it will never be a level playing field. |
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| Lira |
I can relate to that... From the other end. My siblings and I are almost the same age, and I'm the first-born (I'm 18 months older than my sister and 3 years older than my brother). I wouldn't say your experience was much different from theirs... And all I can say is I feel terrible for the effects of the shadow I seem to have cast.
I'm aware I had a great head-start in life. I learned to speak in San Antonio, Texas, and just as I started "remembering" things, I was in Turin, Italy, right next to the French border... So I hit that sweet spot when I was the right age to benefit from these linguistic experiences. My siblings, not so much. I also hogged a few resources, so I quickly became the one who learned how to play the piano... And went on to give concerts at school. The one who, aged 10, decided to cram like there's no tomorrow so I could get into an elite middle school (my brother pulled it off 3 years later as well). And, two decades later, I'm the one who landed a job at a prestigious university, and who's married.
This doesn't seem to have had a positive effect on my siblings' self-esteem. At all. As a result, they've both set unrealistically high standards for themselves, apparently, and become increasingly frustrated when they don't make it. And it's weird, because my sister passed the bar examination thingy, so she could be a successful lawyer, and my brother has a good job in his field... but they won't settle for anything less than working for Google or teaching Law in Harvard.
So yeah, nothing good seems to have come out of this "sibling rivalry"... and I only noticed it a couple of years ago. Needless to say, it makes me feel horrible :( |
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| Silky Johnson |
| Pfft, one more reason to HATE LIRA. :mad: |
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| Lira |
Joke is on y'all, if you put meth in my car, I'll be so clueless I might as well mistake it for ice put it in the wrong kind of coke :p
...
Edit: According to Google, meth does dissolve in soda! Oh, my dentist's gonna love this :D |
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| Jon_Snow |
| quote: | Originally posted by Lira
backdoor brag yo! |
Bro talk about full of yourself |
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| Lira |
| quote: | Originally posted by Jon_Snow
I'm not even yo bro I'm hating |
Yeah, I was afraid it could come across as humblebragging :(
The sole reason I'm saying this stuff is because, just like Zip said it took his wife to tell him he shouldn't measure up to his brother, it also took mine to explain that's exactly what was going on at home... So, maybe, Zip's brother feels it too, and it could be bothering him just as much.
I try to make my siblings feel special for who they are, and raise their spirits, and slowly but surely, they're looking for their paths in life. The thing is, I feel there's this competition regarding "who made it", and I most definitely don't think this should be going on.
Edit: I see why this may sound like I'm being full of myself. But, let me tell you something - I'm well aware I'm still a mediocre researcher working in the fringes of my field, who's never left his alma mater, and has a lot of room for improvement. However, I also realise how lucky I am to have got the little things I have. And, I didn't want to believe this was a problem, in spite of what countless people told me. When I ran out of explanations, I just took these people on their word. |
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| Jon_Snow |
| I could imagine you comforting your siblings. Trying to explain to them they shouldn't feel bad for not measuring up to you. :stongue: |
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