| jploveparade |
Two very elderly men were having a conversation
about sex. Elmer says, "Yessir, I did it three
times last night with a 30-year-old!"
Leon replies, "You're kidding. I can't even
manage to do it once. What's your secret?"
Elmer replies, "Well, the secret is to eat
lots of wholewheat bread."
So the second old man rushes to the store.
The clerk asks the old man, "May I help you?'
"Yes, I'd like four loaves of whole-wheat bread,
please."
The clerk says, "That's a lot of bread. It's sure
to get hard before you're done."
The old man says, "Damn! Does everyone know about
this except me?"
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man told the ringmaster that he was interested in
joining the circus as a lion tamer. The ringmaster
asked if he had any experience and the man said,
"Why, yes. My father was one of the most famous lion
tamers in the world, and he taught me everything he
knew."
"Really?" said the ringmaster. "Did he teach you how to
make a lion jump through a flaming hoop?"
"Yes he did," the man replied.
"And did he teach you how to have six lions form a
pyramid?"
"Yes he did," the man replied.
"And have you ever stuck your head in a lion's mouth?"
"Just once," the man replied.
The ringmaster asked, "Why only once?"
And the man said, "I was looking for my father."
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A well-stacked young advertising secretary wore
tight knit dresses that showed off her figure,
especially when she walked. Her young,
aggressive boss motioned her into his office one
afternoon and closed the door. Pointing to her
tightly covered derriere, he asked, "Is that for sale?"
"Of course not!" she snapped angrily, blushing
furiously.
Unchanged, he replied quietly, "Then, I suggest
you quit advertising it."
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George W. Bush was visiting an elementary school, and the 4th grade class he sat through began a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word "tragedy." So, George W. asked the class for an example of a tragedy.
One boy stood up and said, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy."
"No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."
A girl raised her hand and said, "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone on board, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," the President said. "That's what we would call a Great Loss."
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. President Bush searched the room and asked, "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, way in the back of the room, Johnny raised his hand, and in a quiet voice, he said, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. and Mrs. Bush, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, THAT would be a tragedy."
"That's right! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?" asked the President.
"Well," Johnny said, "because it wouldn't be an accident and it sure as hell wouldn't be a Great Loss..."
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Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last dash effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room and start studying. Books and papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and she was shocked, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before. This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says, Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?
Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head.
Well, then, she replies, was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? What was it?
Little Tommy looks at her and says, Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around. |
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