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Jokes part 25
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| jploveparade |
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's
office. After his checkup, the doctor called
the wife into his office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very
severe disease combined with horrible stress.
If you don't do the following, your husband
will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be
pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood.
For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For
dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.
Don't burden him with chores as he probably has
already had a hard day. Don't discuss your
problems with him, it will only make his stress
worse. And most importantly, make love with
your husband several times a week and satisfy
his every whim. If you can do this for the next
10 months to a year, I think your husband will
regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife.
"What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied
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A famous art collector is walking through the city when he
notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the
doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes
that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he
walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for
two dollars.
The storeowner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for
sale.
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the
house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that
cat."
The owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder
if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it
and it'll save me from having to get a dish."
And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky
saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats."
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An airplane is in mid-flight over the ocean
when suddenly the cockpit door burst open
to reveal an armed, masked hijacker to a
startled pilot, co-pilot, navigator, and a
stewardess.
He held a gun to the pilot's head and said,
"Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill
your brains all over the place. The pilot
calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and
says, "Look buddy, if you shoot me this
plane will crash right into the sea and
you'll die along with the rest of us."
The hijacker thought about it, then held the
gun to the co-pilot's head and said, "Take
this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS
brains all over the place."
The co-pilot also calmly reached up, pushed
the gun aside and said, "Listen to me. The
pilot's got a bad heart and he could keel
over at the shock of my being killed. So if
you shoot me, this plane will still crash
right into the sea and you'll die along with
the rest of us."
The hijacker thought about it for a moment
and then held the gun to the navigator's
head and repeated, "Take this plane to Iraq
or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the
place."
The navigator calmly reached up, pushed the
gun aside and said, "I wouldn't do that if
I were you. Those two guys have no sense of
direction. Without me they couldn't find
their way out of a paper bag much less get
this plane to Iraq. So if you shoot me, this
plane will still crash right into the sea and
you'll die along with the rest of us."
The hijacker thought some more, shrugged and
this time held the gun to the stewardess' head
and demanded, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm
gonna spill HER brains all over the place."
But the stewardess leaned over and whispered
something into the hijacker's ear. He turned
beet red, dropped his gun, and ran out of the
cockpit in a panic.
The crew tracked down the hijacker, who was
found cowering in a lavatory, and tied him up.
The pilot then asked the flight attendant what
she said that terrified the man so.
"I told him, sir, that if he killed me, he'd
be the one who'd have to give you guys your
blowjobs."
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President Bush and Collin Powell are sitting
in a bar talking.
A guy walks in and asks the bartender, "Hey,
isn't that George Bush and Collin Powell?"
The bartender responds, "Yeah, that's them."
So the guy walks over and says, "Hey, it's a
great honor to meet you guys. What are you
doing in this bar?"
Bush says, "We discussing dropping the bomb
on Saddam and killing 40 millions Iraqis and
a blonde with big boobs."
The guy looks astonished and says, "A blonde
with big boobs?!?! Why kill a blonde with
big boobs?"
Bush hits Powell on the shoulder and says,
"See . . . I told you no one would care about
the 40 million Iraqis."
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A blonde goes to a beauty parlour to have
her hair done. She settles into the chair
wearing headphones connected to a Walkman.
"I'll just remove those headphones", says
the attendant. "Oh no!", replies the blonde.
"They have to stay on my head. Just work
around them".
Pretty soon the hairdresser, who's having
a hard time dealing with the headphones,
notices that the blonde has gone to sleep.
She carefully removes the headphones and
the Walkman, then gets back to work.
A couple of minutes later the blonde slumps
down in the chair, apparently passed out.
The hairdresser feels for a pulse and can't
find one. An ambulance is called and when
the ambulance officers arrive they find the
blonde is dead.
After the ambulance departs with the blonde's
body, the hairdresser notices that the Walkman
is still under the counter where she'd put it
earlier. She's very shaken up and decides to
put on the headphones to hear whatever it
was the blonde was listening to before she
expired.
All she hears is a soft voice saying over
and over again: "Breathe in....breathe out.
Breathe in...breathe out." |
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| zzleeper |
| quote: | | "Breathe in....breathe out." |
lolol!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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| Linx_da_cat |
| lol these are hilarious |
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| Maaz |
Mental note:
Next flight, get acquainted to the stewardess :) |
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