| jploveparade |
A young, freshly minted lieutenant was sent
to Bosnia as part of the peace keeping mission.
During a briefing on land mines, the captain
asked for questions.
Our intrepid solder raised his hand and asked,
"If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what
do we do?"
"Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200
feet in the air and scatter oneself over a
wide area."
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This fellow comes to confession. "Father,
he said, forgive me for I have sinned."
The priest asked, "What did you do, my son?"
"I lusted," the fellow replied.
"Tell me about it," the priest said.
The fellow then related his story. "Father,
I am a deliveryman for UPS. Yesterday I was
making a delivery in the affluent section of
the city. When I rang the bell, the door
opened and there stood the most beautiful
woman I have ever seen. She had long blonde
hair and eyes like emeralds. She was dressed
in a sheer dressing gown that showed her
perfect figure. And, she asked if I would
like to come in."
"And, what did you do, my son?" asked the
priest.
"Father, I did not go in the house but I
lusted. Oh, how I lusted," replied the man.
"Your sin has been forgiven," replied the
priest. "You will get your reward in heaven,
my son."
"A reward, father? What do you think my
reward might be?" the fellow asked.
The priest replied, "I think a bale of hay
would be appropriate, you jackass."
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A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he
wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But
we don't know anything about each other."
He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about
each other as we go along."
She consented, and they were married, and went
on a honeymoon to a very nice resort.
So one morning they were lying by the pool,
when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to
the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck
gainer, this was followed by a three rotations
in jackknife position, where he straightened out
and cut the water like a knife.
After a few more demonstrations, he came back
and lay down on the towel. She said, "That was
incredible!"
He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving
champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more
about ourselves as we went along."
So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started
doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed
back out and lay down on her towel hardly out
of breath.
He said, "That was incredible! Were you an
Olympic endurance swimmer?"
"No." she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and
I worked both sides of the canal."
--------------------------------
A college senior took his new girlfriend to
a football game. The young couple found seats
in the crowded stadium and were watching the
action. A substitute was put into the game,
and as he was running onto the field to take
his position, the boy said to his girlfriend,
"Take a good look at that fellow. I expect
him to be our best man next
year."
His girlfriend snuggled closer to him and
said, "That's the strangest way I ever heard
of for a fellow to propose to a girl.
Regardless of how you said it, I accept!"
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Two Stupid guys are discussing one's upcoming
wedding..."I'm not sure if my future bride is
a virgin or not."
His buddy replies, "Oh, there's an easy test
for that. All you need is some red paint,
some blue paint and a shovel.
You paint one ball red and one ball blue. On
your honeymoon, if she laughs and says 'Those
are the funniest balls I've ever seen!' You
hit her with the shovel!"
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A man, his wife and their eight children were
waiting at a bus stop.
Not long after, a blind man joins the group.
The bus finally arrives, but the blind man and
the husband are forced to walk because there's
just no more room on the bus.
As they walk together, the tapping of the blind
man's cane starts to irritate the other man.
Finally, the man says, "You know, that's pretty
irritating. Why don't you put a rubber on the
end of that stick?"
The blind man retorts, "If you'd put a rubber
on the end of your stick, we'd both be on that
bus." |
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