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Jokes part 41
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| jploveparade |
You're in remarkable shape for a man your age," said the doctor to the ninety-year old man after the examination. "I know it," said the old gentleman. "I've really got only one complaint - my sex drive is too high. Got anything you can do for that, Doc?" The doctor's mouth dropped open. "Your what?!" he gasped. "My sex drive," said the old man. "It's too high, and I'd like to have you lower it if you can." "Lower it?!" exclaimed the doctor, still unable to believe what the ninety-year old gentleman was saying. "Just what do you consider 'high'?" "These days it seems like it's all in my head, Doc," said the old man, "and I'd like to have you lower it a couple of feet if you can."
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A man walked into a therapists office looking very depressed, "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this." "What's the problem?" the doctor inquired. "Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away." "My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you." The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. "Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor. "It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women." "So, what's your problem?" "I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."
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A husband was cheating on his wife. The woman and her husband got a divorce and the woman went on with her life hating her ex-husband. One day she found a beautifull lamp lieing in the streets. She picked it up and rubbed it a little bit. Suddenly, a geenie popped out of the lamp! The geenie said that it would grant her 3 wishes & that with every wish her husband it get the same thing only double! So, the woman thinks of a first wish... "I want to be rich!!!" So, the woman became rich, and the husband became twice as rich! So, the woman thinks of a second wish... "I want to be beautifull!!" So, the woman became beautiful, and the husband became twice as beautiful. "Okay", the geenie says. "This is your last wish so be carefull what you wish for!" The woman thinks real hard and finally comes to a desision. "I Want You To Scare me HALF To Death!!"
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One day a farmer was sitting on his porch and he saw a boy walking down the road with some duck tape. The farmer asked the boy what he was doing and the boy told him that he was going to catch some ducks. The farmer said you cant catch ducks with duck tape. However, and hour later the boy walked back up the road with a bunch of ducks in the ducktape.
The next day the boy had some chicken wire and said he was going to catch chickens. The farmer said you cant catch chickens with chicken wire but an hour later the boy walked back with chickens caught in the chicken wire.
The next day the farmer saw the boy again, this time carrying some flowers. The farmer asked the boy what kind of flowers they were. He replied willows. The farmers eyes poped out and said:
"Wait up, I'll get my hat."
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A Polish girl is hitch-hiking, when a truck driver finally stops and picks her up. She immediately notices a huge radio mounted on the dashboard and asks, " What in the world is that thing? "
The trucker answers, " That there's the most powerful CB radio ever made. You can talk to damn near anybody in the world on that thing! "
" Anybody in the world?! " she replies, " I'd do anything if I could talk to my mom back in Warsaw right now! "
Realizing she's taking him literally, his eyes light up. " You'd do anything?. I'll bet you and I can work something out! " He then unzips his pants, takes out his wanker and points at it with an sheepish grin.
The Polish girl pauses for a second, then shrugs her shoulders and thinks " what the hell ". She then leans over with her mouth close to his wanker and yells " HELLO, MOM? "
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Ford says: "What do we do?"
Bush says: "Man the lifeboats!"
Reagan says: "What lifeboats?"
Carter says: "Women first!"
Nixon says: "Screw the women!"
Clinton says: "You think we have time?"
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A guy reads a newspaper ad that says "All the weight you can lose for 1 dollar a pound". So he calls and asks if its true.
"Sure" the guy says. "Just tell me the amount of weight you want to lose and your credit card number."
Well the guy says 20 pounds.
"No problem, our representative will be there in the morning."
Sure enough at 8 a.m. the doorbell rings. When he opens the door theres a beautiful blonde standing there with nothing on but a sign that reads
"IF YOU CAN CATCH ME, YOU CAN HAVE YOUR WAY WITH ME".
He does and sure enough when he weighs in he has lost 20 pounds.
Excitedly he calls back the weight loss company. "This time I'd like to lose 50 pounds."
The guy who answered the phone says "Fifty pounds is a lot of weight at one time - but our representative will be there in the morning."
Sure enough at 8 a.m. the doorbell rings. The man rushes to answer it. When he does it's a 500 pound male gorilla with a sign that reads :
"IF I CAN CATCH YOU, I'LL HAVE MY WAY WITH YOU". |
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| kewlness |
| quote: | | Originally posted by jploveparade "IF I CAN CATCH YOU, I'LL HAVE MY WAY WITH YOU". |
lol.. last one's funny.. |
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| webmeister |
| rofl i love that willows joke :D |
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