| jploveparade |
One day this old lady walks into the doctor's office and
is shown into a room. When the doctor comes in and asks
what the problem is she answers, "I have awful gas, but
it doesn't bother me. You see, it's completely silent,
and doesn't smell at all."
So the doctor, after examining her thoroughly gives
her some pills and tells her to take one everyday and come
back in a week.
So the old lady comes back, and when the doctor asks
if her problem is any better she replies, "Well I don't
know what you gave me but now my gas smells terribly!"
The doctor replies "Well now that we've got your sinuses
cleared up let's work on your hearing!"'
----------------------------
The teacher noticed that Johnny had been daydreaming for
a long time. She decided to get his attention. "Johnny,"
she said, "If the world is 25,000 miles around and eggs
are sixty cents a dozen, how old am I?
"Thirty-four," Johnny answered unhesitatingly.
The teacher replied "Well, that's not far from my actual
age. Tell me...how did you guess?"
Oh, there's nothing to it," Johnny said. "My big sister
is seventeen and she's only half-crazy."
------------------------------
A pregnant woman with triplets is walking
down the street when a masked robber runs
out of the bank and shoots her three times
in the stomach. Luckily the babies are ok.
The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in
because its too risky to operate.
All is fine for 16 years and then one day
the daughter walks into the room in tears.
'Whats wrong' asks the mother.
'I was having a wee and this bullet came out'
replies the daughter. The mother tells her
what happened 16 years before and says its ok
About a week later the second daughter walks
into the room in tears 'Mom i was having a
wee and this bullet came out' Again the mother
explains what happened 16 years before.
A week later the son walks into the room in
tears. 'Its okay says Mom, I know whats
happened you were having a wee and a bullet
came out'
'No says the boy, I was having a wank and I
shot the dog'
------------------------------
Two husbands were discussing their married
lives. Although happily married, they
admitted that there were arguments sometimes.
The first man said, "I've made one great
discovery. I now know how to always have the
last word."
"Wow!" said the other, "how did you manage
that?"
He replied, "It's easy, my last words are
always YES DEAR."
-----------------------------------
Our four children, always on the go, frequently
communicate with each other by leaving notes
around the house telling where they've gone,
what they're doing, or whatever.
Recently, we came across the following written
exchange between Michael, 18, and Steve, his
12-year-old brother: "Steve--borrowed your
hairbrush. I'll return it when I get back.
If you need one, mine is in Mom's car (which
is why I had to borrow yours).--Mike"
Steve's response, written on the same note was:
"Mike--It's not mine. It's the dog's. Steve"
----------------------------------
After attending a party for his boss, the life
of the party was nursing a king-sized hangover
and asked his wife, "What the hell happened?"
"As usual, you made an fool of yourself in
front of your boss," replied the wife.
"Piss on him!" answered the husband.
"You did," said the wife, "and he fired you!"
"Well, screw him." said the husband.
"I did, and you go back to work on Monday."
-------------------------------------
Three women were out golfing one day and one
of them hit her ball into the woods. She went
into the woods to look for it and found a frog
in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from
this trap, I will grant you three wishes...".
The woman freed the frog and the frog said,
"Thank you, but I failed to mention that there
was a condition to your wishes - that whatever
you wish for, your husband will get 10 times
more or better!"
The woman said, "That would be okay", and for
her first wish she wanted to be the most beautiful
woman in the world..."
The frog warned her, "You do realize this wish
will also make your husband the most handsome man
in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock
to him..."
The Woman replied, "That will be okay because I
will be the most beautiful woman and he will
only have eyes for me..." So poof! She's the most
beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest
woman in the world.
The frog said, that will make your husband the
richest man in the world and he will be 10 times
richer than you..."
The woman said "That will be okay because what
is mine is his, and what is his is mine...". So,
poof!! - she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish and
she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
----------------------------
An attorney was driving through the country
side when his car failed him.
He looked under the hood and knocked a few
items around with a hammer. In the process
he knocked off a gas line and got his arm
soaked with gas before getting it back on.
Discouraged, he attempted to start his car.
Much to his surprise it started and he headed
for the nearest town for a permanent repair.
To celebrate his success he lit up a cigarette,
at which time his arm exploded into flames.
He stuck his arm out the window hoping the
wind at 50 miles per hour would put it out.
He was promptly pulled over by a local
constable and given a ticket for an illegal
use of a firearm.
-------------------------------
Two children ordered their mother to stay
in bed one Mother's Day morning. As she
lay there looking forward to being brought
breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated
up from the kitchen.
Finally, the children called her to come
downstairs. She found them both sitting at
the table eating bacon and eggs.
"As a surprise for Mother's Day," one
explained, "we decided to cook our own
breakfast." |
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