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Jokes part 43
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| jploveparade |
A man met a beautiful woman and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. "But we don't know anything about each other," she said. "That's all right. We'll learn about each other as we go along." So, the woman consented, and they got married and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. They were lying by the resort's pool one morning, when he suddenly got up off his towel, and climbed up the 10 meter diving board. He then proceeded to do a two and a half tuck gainer, followed by three rotations in the jackknife position. He then straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he got out of the pool and returned to his new bride. "That was incredible!" she remarked. "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along." A few minutes later, she got up off her towel, and jumped in the pool. After some thirty laps of the pool, she got out of the pool and returned to her new husband. "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic swimmer?" he asked. "No," she replied, "I was a hooker in Venice, and I worked both sides of the canal."
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An attorney was driving through the country side when his car failed him. He looked under the hood and knocked a few items around with a hammer. In the process he knocked off a gas line and got his arm soaked with gas before getting it back on. Discouraged, he attempted to start his car. Much to his surprise it started and he headed for the nearest town for a permanent repair. To celebrate his success he lit up a cigarette, at which time his arm exploded into flames. He stuck his arm out the window hoping the wind at 50 miles per hour would put it out. He was promptly pulled over by a local constable and given a ticket for an illegal use of a firearm.
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A husband and wife were getting all snugly in bed. The passion was heating up. But all of a sudden, the wife stopped, got up and said "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." The husband said "WHAT??" The wife explained that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs. The husband realized that nothing was going to happen so he and he decided that he might as well just deal with it. The next day the husband said "Let's go Christmas Shopping together." So they went to the most expensive department store in town The husband watched as his wife tried on three very expensive outfits. And then he told his wife. Let's take all three of them. Then they went over and picked out matching shoes costing $200 a pair. Afterwards, they went to the jewellery department and picked out a set of diamond earrings. The wife became very excited (she thought her husband has flipped out, but she wasn't stopping him). She then went for the tennis bracelet. The husband commented "but you don't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it." The wife was jumping up and down so excited that she could not believe what even was going on. Her previously miserly husband was suddenly transformed into a spendthrift. She said "I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register." The husband says," no - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife's face went blank; she was utterly confused. "No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." Her face became really red and she was about to explode when her husband said, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs."
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A noted sex therapist realized that people often lie about the frequency of their encounters, so he devised a test to tell for certain how often someone had sex. To prove his theory, he filled up an auditorium with people, and went down the line asking each person to smile. Using the size of the person's smile, the therapist was able to guess accurately how often each person had sex. The last man in line was grinning from ear to ear. "Twice a day," the therapist guessed, but was surprised when the man said no. "Once a day, then?" Again the answer was no. "Twice a week?" "No." "Twice a month?" "No." When the doctor asked, "Once a year?" the man finally said yes. The therapist was angry that his theory hadn’t worked with this individual, and he asked the man, "What the heck are you so happy about?" The man answered, "Tonight's the night!"
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Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day, only to catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding on a condom. Johnny's father, in an attempt to hide his wood, bent over as if to look under the bed. Little Johnny asked curiously, "Whatcha ya doin', Dad?" His father quickly replied, "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed." Little Johnny replied, "Whatcha ya gonna do, screw him?"
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Lorraine was driving through a town in Montana and stopped Little Johnny, to ask where she could find a taxidermist. Little Johnny said he didn't think there was any there. She said, "Are you sure?" At that he admitted he didn't know what the word meant. So she explained that a taxidermist is a man who mounts animals. Little Johnny said, "Oh hell, we've got plenty of them around here, only we call them sheepherders!"
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A man walked into a Wal-Mart and the Greeter said, "Automotive, aisle 15." The man asked, "How did you know I was here to get oil?" The Greeter replied, "That's my job." Another man walked in and the Greeter said, "Sporting goods, aisle 28." The man asked, "How did you know I wanted fishing supplies? The Greeter replied, "That's my job." A woman walked in and the Greeter said, "Tampons, aisle 5." The woman said, "No, I'm here for hemorrhoid medicine." The Greeter said, "Damn, I missed it by an inch!"
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A businessman entered a tavern, sat down at the bar, and ordered a double martini on the rocks. After he finished the drink, he peeked inside his shirt pocket, then he ordered another double martini. After he finished that one, he again peeked inside his shirt pocket and ordered another double martini. Finally, the bartender said, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replied, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."
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While travelling through the Deep South, a salesperson stopped at an inn for a meal. When he was through, he asked to use the bathroom. The proprietor pointed to an outhouse in the back. After taking a decent sized , the man found, to his chagrin, that there was no toilet paper. Instead, there was a small hole in the wall, a slot, and a sign. The sign read, "Insert twenty-five cents and your dirty finger will be cleaned with the greatest care, warmth and attention." Unhappy but having no other choice, the man used his finger to clean his ass, plugged a quarter into the slot, then put his finger in the hole. Unknown to him, a little boy was standing on the other side with a pair of bricks. When the finger came through, the lad smashed it between the bricks! Howling with pain, the man put his finger in his mouth...
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A man, his wife and their eight children were waiting at a bus stop. Not long after, a blind man joins the group. The bus finally arrives, but the blind man and the husband are forced to walk because there's just no more room on the bus. As they walk together, the tapping of the blind man's cane starts to irritate the other man. Finally, the man says, "You know, that's pretty irritating. Why don't you put a rubber on the end of that stick?" The blind man retorts, "If you'd put a rubber on the end of your stick, we'd both be on that bus." |
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| webmeister |
| :rofl: at little johnny :D |
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| cHiLD |
| johnny is my idol :D |
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| Xo|oX |
hahah!
little johnny is tha best! |
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| dr me |
| quote: | | ...Unhappy but having no other choice, the man used his finger to clean his ass, plugged a quarter into the slot, then put his finger in the hole. Unknown to him, a little boy was standing on the other side with a pair of bricks. When the finger came through, the lad smashed it between the bricks! Howling with pain, the man put his finger in his mouth... |
this is disgusting |
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