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[12+] Jokes part 45
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| jploveparade |
A man walks up to a woman in his office and
tells her that her hair smells nice.
The woman immediately goes into her
supervisor's office and tells him that she
wants to file a sexual harassment suit and
explains why.
The supervisor is puzzled by this time and
says, "What's wrong with the co-worker
telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "He's a midget." :D
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Jake is struggling through a bus station with
two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a
stranger walks up to him and asks "Have you
got the time?"
Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances
at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six," he says.
"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims
the stranger.
Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad.
It's an invention of mine I've been working on.
Check this out" - and he shows him a time zone
display not just for every time zone in the
world, but for the 86 largest metropolises.
He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on
the watch a voice says "The time is eleven
'til six" in a very West Texas accent. A few
more buttons and the same voice says something
in Japanese. Jake continues "I've put in
regional accents for each city". The display
is unbelievably high quality and the voice is
simply astounding.
The stranger is struck dumb with admiration.
"That's not all", says Jake. He pushes a few
more buttons and a tiny but very high-resolution
map of New York City appears on the display.
"The flashing dot shows our location by
satellite positioning," explains Jake.
"Zoom out", Jake says, and the display changes
to show all of eastern New York state.
"I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger.
"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still
working out the bugs", says the inventor.
"But look at this", and he proceeds to demonstrate
that the watch is also a very creditable little
FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar
device that can measure distances up to 125 meters,
a pager with thermal paper printout and, most
impressive of all, the capacity for voice
recordings of up to 300 standard-size books,
"though I only have 32 of my favorites in there
so far" says Jake.
"I've got to have this watch!", says the stranger.
"No, you don't understand; it's not ready..."
"I'll give you $1000 for it!"
"Oh, no, I've already spent more than..."
"I'll give you $5000 for it!"
"But it's just not..."
"I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger
pulls out a checkbook.
Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8500
into materials and development, and with $15,000
he can make another one and have it ready for
merchandising in only six months. The stranger
frantically finishes writing the check and waves
it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand
to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or
leave it."
Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK", he says,
and peels off the watch.
They make the exchange and the stranger starts
happily away.
"Hey, wait a minute", calls Jake after the
stranger, who turns around warily.
Jake points to the two suitcases he'd been trying
to wrestle through the bus station. "Don't forget
your batteries."
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An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for
a round of golf and their wives went along as
caddies.
While walking around the course the English
man's wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole,
tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground.
Her skirt was over her head revealing that she
wasn't wearing any knickers! The Englishman
stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for
her state of undress.
"Well darling," she explained, "You give me so
little allowance that I have to make the odd
sacrifice. Usually no one notices." The
Englishman thrusts his hand into his pocket
and said, "Here's ten pounds. Go to Mark's and
Spencer's and get some knickers."
Two holes further along the Irish Man's wife
caught her foot on a mole hill, tripped up and
landed in a heap on the ground. Again her skirt
was up over her head revealing that she wasn't
wearing any knickers either! The Irish man was
livid and he angrily demanded a reason for her
lack of undergarments.
"Well darling," she explained, "You give me so
little allowance I cannot afford to buy
undergarments." With that the Irish man thrust
his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's five
pounds. Go to Woolworth's and get some knickers."
Three holes further on, the Scottish man's wife
caught her foot on an exposed root, tripped up
and landed with her skirt over her head revealing
that even she wore no knickers! Her explanation
to her irate husband was the same as the others:
Simply a lack of allowance.
The Scottish man thrust his hand into his pocket
and said, "Here's a comb. The least you can do
is tidy yourself up a bit."
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A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they
see a 5-storey hotel with a sign that reads:
"For Women Only". Since they are without their
boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to
them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up
floor by floor, and once you find what you are
looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to
decide since each floor has a sign telling you
what's inside."
So they start going up and on the first floor
the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are
short and plain." The friends laugh and without
hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men
here are short and handsome."
Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends
continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads:
"All the men here are tall and plain."
They still want to do better, and so, knowing
there are still two floors left, they continued
on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All
the men here are tall and handsome." The women
get all excited and are going in when they realize
that there is still one floor left. Wondering what
they are missing, they head on up to the fifth
floor.
There they find a sign that reads: "There are no
men here. This floor was built only to prove that
there is no way to please a woman."
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A general store owner hires a young female
clerk with a penchant for wearing very short
skirts and thong panties to work the counter.
One day a young man enters the store, eyes
the clerk, and glances at the loaves of bread
behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt
and the location of the raisin bread high on
the shelves, he has a brilliant idea.
"I'd like some raisin bread, please," the man
says politely.
The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach
the raisin bread, and the young man, standing
almost directly beneath her, is provided with
a magnificent view, just as he had hoped. Once
she descends the ladder he muses that he really
should get two more loaves as he is having
company for dinner.
As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread,
another male customer notices what is going on.
Thinking quickly as the clerk again descends to
the counter, he requests his own loaf of raisin
bread.
With each trip up the ladder the young lady
seems to catch the eye of yet another male
customer. Pretty soon each fellow in the store
is successively asking for raisin bread, just
to see the clerk climb up to the top shelf.
After a few trips the clerk is tired and
irritated. Finding herself yet again atop the
ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men
standing below. She notices an elderly man
standing amongst the throng staring up at her.
Thinking to save herself a trip she yells down,
"Is yours raisin too?"
"No," croaks the feeble old man... "But it's
startin' to twitch."
------------------------------
Rodney walks into a bar and says, "Bartender,
give me two shots. One for me and one for my
best buddy here."
The bartender says, "You want both drinks now
or do you want me to wait until your buddy
arrives to pour his?"
Rodney says, "Oh, I want them both now. I've
got my best buddy in my pocket here." With
that he pulls out a little 3-inch man from
his pocket.
The bartender says, "Wow! And you mean to say
he can drink that much?"
"Oh, sure. He can drink it all, and then some."
So the bartender poured the two shots. Sure
enough, the little guy drinks it all up.
"That's amazing," says the bartender. "What
else can he do? Can he walk?"
Rodney flicks a quarter down to the end of the
bar and says, "Hey Al, go get that quarter!"
The little guy runs down to the end of the bar,
picks up the quarter, and runs back down and
gives it to Rodney.
The bartender is totally amazed by this display.
"That's amazing," he says, "What else can he do?
Does he talk?"
Rodney looks up at the bartender with a look of
surprise in his eye and squawks, "Talk? Sure he
talks. Hey Al, tell him about that time we were
in down in Africa on safari and you insulted
that witch doctor!" |
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| webmeister |
| hahaha not too shabby :) |
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| dr me |
| quote: | Originally posted by jploveparade Thinking to save herself a trip she yells down,
"Is yours raisin too?"
"No," croaks the feeble old man... "But it's
startin' to twitch."
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:stongue: |
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| dj_mdma |
| lol @ the women in the hotel one! |
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