| jploveparade |
A local man was found murdered in his home in
California over the weekend. Detectives at the
scene found the man face down in his bathtub.
The tub had been filled with milk and corn flakes,
and the deceased had a banana protruding from his
buttocks.
Police suspect a cereal killer.
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The Tax Official in an unnamed country has
come to a synagogue for an inspection. The
Rabbi is accompanying him.
"So rabbi, tell me, please, after you have
distributed all your unleavened bread, what
do you do with the crumbs?"
"Why, we gather them carefully and send them
to the city and then they make bread of them
again and send it back to us."
"So what about candles after they are burnt?
What do you do with the ends?"
"We send them to the city as well, and they
manufacture new candles from them and send
them to us."
"And what about circumcision? What do you do
with those leftover pieces?"
The rabbi, wearily replied, "We send them to
the city as well."
"To the city? And what do they send to you?"
"Today they have sent you to us."
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Jack was in front of me coming out of church one
day, and the preacher was standing at the door,
as he always does, to shake hands.
The preacher grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled
him aside. "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
the preacher said to him.
Jack replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord,
Pastor."
"How come I don't see you except at Christmas and
Easter?" the preacher questioned.
Jack whispered back, "I'm in the Secret Service."
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Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man's
man, who showed no fear in facing his enemies.
One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a
pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed,
"Bring me my Red Shirt."
The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt and
while wearing the bright frock he led his mates into battle and
defeated the pirates. Later on, the look-out again spotted not
one, but two pirate ships. The captain again howled for his red
shirt and once again vanquished the pirates.
That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the
day's triumphs and one of the them asked the captain, "Sir, why
did you call for your red shirt before battle?"
The captain replied, "If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt
will not show my blood and thus, you men will continue to resist,
unafraid."
All of the men sat in silence and marvelled at the courage of such
a man's manly man. As dawn came the next morning, the look-out
once again spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships
approaching. The rank and file all stared in worshipful silence
at the captain and waited for his usual reply.
Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed
against his mighty sailing ship and without fear, turned and
calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants!"
--------------------------------
Richard was in the South of France, and could not
understand why Peter had attracted all the girls
at the beach, while he pulled nothing.
So he asked Peter, "Why do you get all the girls
and I get nothing?"
Peter said, "Take a potato and tuck it in your
swimming trunks. It drives the women wild!"
So, Richard stuffed a potato in his suit and
paraded up and down the beach. Many hours later,
he still had no woman. Richard went to see Peter
again and said, "I've tried it and it doesn't
work!"
Peter looked at Richard and said, "Have you
tried putting the potato in the front instead?"
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There was a competition to swim from Santa Monica to Catalina
doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the
race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.
After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the
shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker. About 40
minutes later, the redhead crawled declared the second place
finisher.
Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and
promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.
When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the
race, she replied, "I don't want to sound like I'm a sore loser,
but I think those two other girls were using their arms."
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A preacher was winding up his temperance sermon with great
fervour. "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and
throw it into the river."
And the congregation cried, "Amen!"
"And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it
in the river."
And the congregation cried, "Amen!"
"And if I had all the whiskey and demon rum in the world, I'd
take it all and throw it in the river."
And the congregation cried, "Amen!"
The preacher sat down.
The deacon stood up. "For our closing hymn," he announced, "let
us turn to page 126 and sing, 'We shall gather at the river'."
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A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see
a five-story hotel with a sign that reads, "For Women Only."
Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they
decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains
to them how it works.
"We have five floors. Go up floor by floor, and once
you find what you are looking for, you can stay there.
It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling
you what's inside."
They start going up, and on the first floor the sign
reads, "All the men here have it short and thin." The friends
laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads, "All the men here
have it long and thin." Still, this isn't good enough,
so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor, where the sign reads, "All
the men here have it short and thick." They still want
to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors
left, they continued up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men
here have it long and thick." The women get all excited
and are going in when they realize that there is still
one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head
on up to the fifth floor.
On the fifth floor, they find a sign that reads, "There
are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that
there is no way to please a woman."
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A guy walks into a bar holding a little turtle. One of the turtle's eyes is
black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped
together with duct tape.
The bartender says, "What's wrong with your turtle?"
The guy says, "Nothing. This turtle is very fast. Go and stand at the other
end of the bar and call your dog. I'll bet you five hundred bucks that my
turtle will be there before your dog."
The bartender agrees, goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of
three he calls his dog.
Suddenly the guy throws the turtle across the room, and it smashes! into the
wall.
The guy says, "I told you it'd be there before your dog."
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A princess is walking along when she looks down and sees an ugly frog.
She picks it up and says, "My, but you're a really ugly frog."
The frog says, "I know, I know. I got a really bad spell put on me."
The princess says, "Jesus...I've seen frogs with spells, but none of them
were as ugly as you."
The frog says, "Look, leave me alone lady. I told you, it's a really bad
spell."
She says, "If I kiss you, will you turn into a handsome prince?"
The frog says, "I don't know, lady. A spell this bad will probably take a
blow job." |
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