| jploveparade |
A teenager is walking downtown and a girl whispers to him, "Blowjob, five dollars". He gives her a strange look and keeps walking. Soon another girl does the same thing. Confused, he keeps walking. The first thing out of his mouth when he returned home was "Mom, what's a blowjob?". His mom replies "Five dollars, just like downtown!".
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The Browns went to see a sex therapist. He gave them a thorough examination before concluding, "Yes, Mr. And Mrs. Brown, I can help you. On your way home, stop at the grocery and buy some g rapes and some doughnuts. When you get home, take off your clothes. Mr. Brown, I want you to roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls-eye in your wife's love canal. Then, on hands and knees, crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue. Then you, Mrs. Brown, take the doughnuts and toss them at your husband's member until one makes a ringer. Then, on hands and knees, crawl to him like a lioness, and consume the doughnut." The Browns did as they were told and their sex life soon became wonderful. One night, their friends, the Greens, confided that they too needed help, so the Browns recommended their doctor. The Greens went to see him, he gave them a thorough examination before concluding, "I'm sorry, Mr. And Mrs. Green, I cannot help you. Your sex life is about as good as it will ever be." The Greens pleaded with him. "But, you helped the Browns so much. Can't you do anything for us?" The doctor weakened. "Well, all right, perhaps we should try. On your way home, stop at the grocery and buy some grapefruit and a box of Cheerios..."
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What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
-A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
-A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this ...
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There was this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. He didn't move for a half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver stepped up right next to him, took the drink from the guy, and just drank it all down. The poor man started crying. The truck driver turned and said: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying." "No, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss became outraged and fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out that it was stolen. The police said they could do nothing. I then got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home depressed and came to this bar. And now, when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, YOU show up and drink my poison."
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One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven,
where he meets the Lord Himself.
The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life, and
if there is any way I can make your stay in heaven more
comfortable, please let me know."
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my
life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on
a hard wooden floor."
The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and
a wonderful, fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic farming
accident, and all of them go to heaven. Again, the Lord
is there to greet them with the same offer.
The mice answer, "All our lives we have been chased.
We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with
brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running.
Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don't
have to run anymore?"
The Lord says, "Say no more" and fits each mouse with
beautiful new roller skates.
About a week later, the Lord stops by to see the cat
and finds him snoozing on the pillow.
The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are
things since you got here?"
The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, "It is wonderful
here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those
'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"
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A small boy asks his dad "What is politics?" Dad says,
"Well son, let me try to explain it. I'm the breadwinner
of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mom, she's
the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government.
We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you
the people. The Nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now think
about that and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what
Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother
crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the
baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy
goes to his parents room and finds his mother sound asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the Nanny's room. Finding
the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father
in bed with the Nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father,
"Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words
what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies,
"Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class,
the Government is sound asleep, the people are being ignored
and the Future is in deep doo-doo."
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A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool.
The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"
The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and
make them doubles." The bartender does this and watches
the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and
so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they
were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why
he's doing all this drinking.
"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."
The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"
The man quickly replies, "a dollar." |
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