| jploveparade |
Reading these awful jokes is at own risk and they might make you laugh. In every case I got nothing to do with it :p
The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?" "There is," he replied. "Breakfast."
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A local bakery decided to hire a part-time counter person and ended up with a local co-ed who could work evenings and weekends. She had one eccentric characteristic (which was unknown when she was hired) she wore short skirts and no underwear. Needless to say she was a real beauty and had a figure to die for. The bakery has a small storefront so it was necessary to have the various products on shelves and then use a ladder to reach the uppermost items. The item that had previously been least popular but was fast becoming the most popular with gentlemen in particular was raisin bread, which was kept on the uppermost shelf. One day an elderly gentleman came in and ordered a loaf of bread. The young lady without thinking scurried up the ladder and then realised she had not asked the gentleman what kind of bread he had wanted so she nodded and asked, "Raisin?" "No, he replied but it is beginning to twitch just a little."
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A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine. On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way. "Well, okay," he says, "how about a blow job?" "Yuck!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!" He says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?" "I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?" "Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?" She nods. "Well, it's just like that." So, he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain. "What's wrong?!" she cries out. "Take your thumb off the end!!"
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As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for Lent. Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him in this effort. The first few weeks weren't too difficult. Things got tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest nightclothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed. The last couple of weeks were extremely tough on the husband, so the wife took to locking the bedroom door and forcing the husband to sleep on the couch. Easter morning finally came. A knock came on the wife's bedroom door. "KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!!" Husband: "Guess whom?" Wife: "I know who it is!" Husband: "Guess what I want?" Wife: "I know what you want!" Husband: "Guess what I'm knockin' with?"
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Little Johnny's father sat down next to him on the couch one day and said, "Okay, Johnny, once there was this big, black rooster, and it was sitting on a fence post. How many wings does the rooster have?" Johnny replied, "It has two." Little Johnny's father then asked, "How many eyes does the rooster have?" Johnny replied, "It has two." Little Johnny's father then asked, "Well then, how many legs do you think the rooster had?" Johnny replied, "It has two, daddy." So then, Little Johnny's daddy said, "Well then, a white cat walks up to where the big black rooster is standing on the fence post and opens its mouth to hiss at the rooster. How many teeth does the cat have?" Little Johnny scratched his head and replied, "I don't know daddy, how many teeth does the cat have?" Little Johnny's daddy grabbed him by the arm and exclaimed, "Alright boy, how come you know so much about big black and so little about white ?"
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Two social workers were walking through a rough part
of the city in the evening. They heard moans and muted
cries for help from a back alley. Upon investigation, they
found a semi-conscious man in a pool of blood.
"Help me, I've been mugged and viciously beaten." he
pleaded.
The two social workers turned and walked away.
One remarked to her colleague, "You know the person
that did this really needs help."
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Old Fred's hospital bed is surrounded by well-wishers,
but it doesn't look good for him. Suddenly he motions frantically
to the pastor for something to write on. The pastor lovingly
hands him a pen and a piece of paper, and Fred uses his
last bit of energy to scribble a note, then dies. The pastor
thinks it best not to look at the note right away, so he
places it in his jacket pocket. At Fred's funeral, as the
pastor is finishing his eulogy, he realizes that he's wearing
the jacket he was wearing when Fred died. "Fred handed
me a note just before he died," he says. "I haven't looked
at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration
in it for us all."
Opening the note, he reads aloud, "Help! You're standing
on my oxygen tube!" |
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