| jploveparade |
There was an old married couple that had
happily lived together for nearly forty years.
The only friction in their marriage was caused
by the husband's habit of breaking wind nearly
every morning as he awoke.
The noise would always wake up his wife, and
the smell would cause her eyes to water as she
would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every
morning she would plead with him to stop
ripping one in the morning.
He told her that he couldn't help it. She
begged him to see a doctor to see if anything
could be done but the husband wouldn't hear of
it. He told her that it was just a natural
bodily function, and then he would laugh in her
face as she tried to wave the fumes away with
her hands.
She told him that there was nothing natural about
it, and if he didn't stop, he was one day going
to "shoot his guts out."
The years went by, and the wife continued to
suffer, and the husband continued to ignore her
warnings about "shooting his guts out" until
one Thanksgiving morning. Before dawn, the wife
went downstairs to prepare the family feast.
She fixed pumpkin pie, mashed potatoes, made gravy
and, of course, a turkey. While she was taking
out the turkey's innards, a thought occurred to
the wife as to how she might solve her husband's
problem. With a devilish grin on her face, he
placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly
walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband
would awake. while he was still soundly asleep,
she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled
back her husband's jockey shorts.
She then placed all of the turkey guts into her
husband's underwear, pulled them up, replaced the
covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish
preparing the family meal.
Several hours later she heard her husband awake
with his normal loud butt trumpeting. This was
soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the
sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to
the upstairs bathroom.
The wife could not control herself, and her eyes
began to tear up as she rolled on the floor
laughing. After years of putting up with him she
had finally gotten even.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came
downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a
look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to
keep from laughing, and she asked him what was
the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right - all
those years you warned me, and I didn't listen to
you."
"What do you mean?" innocently asked his wife.
"Well you always told me that I would end up
shooting my guts out one of these days and today
it finally happened. But by the grace of good
Lord and these two fingers, I think I got 'em
all back in."
------------------------------
A young couple got married, and when the wife
prepared to bake a ham to celebrate their first
Thanksgiving, she carefully cut off each end
before placing it in the pan.
Her husband asked her why she did that and she
replied, "I don't know--it's what my mother
always did. But I can ask her."
She called Mom, who responded, "I always saw
your Grandma do it, so I did the same."
They decided to check further, so the young
bride then called Grandma, who explained, "It
was the only way I could get it to fit into my
pan."
-----------------------------
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York
and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to
tell you that your mother and I are divorcing;
forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,"
the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm
sick of talking about this, so you call your sister
in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on
the phone.
"Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts,
"I'll take care of this."
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the
old man. "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a
single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother
back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then,
don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving.
Now what do we tell them for Christmas?"
------------------------------
A woman walks into the butcher shop just before
closing time, the day before thanksgiving.
She says, "Thank Heavens I've made it in time!
Have you any turkey?"
The butcher opens his fridge and takes out his
only turkey, and plops it onto the scale. It
weighs 4 1/2 pounds.
"Ah, haven't you anything bigger?" the woman
inquires.
The butcher returns the turkey to the fridge,
takes it out again, and plops it onto the
scale, only this time, he keeps his thumb
on the turkey. The scale shows 7 1/4 pounds.
"Marvellous!" says the woman. "I'll have both
of them please."
--------------------------------
Just before Thanksgiving, the holding pen was
abuzz as Mother Turkey scolded her younger
birds.
"You turkeys are always into mischief," she
gobbled. "If your grandfather could see the
things you do, he'd turn over in his gravy." |
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