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[12+] Jokes part 51
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| jploveparade |
A wife went to the police station with her next-door
neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman
asked for a description.
She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes,
dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is
soft-spoken, and is good to the children."
The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5
foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your
children."
The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"
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A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He sips it
and sets it down a monkey swings across the bar and urinates
in the pint.
The man asks the barman who owns the monkey.
The barman replies the piano player.
The man walks over to the piano player and says "Do
you know your monkey just urinated in my beer?"
The pianist replies, "No, but if you hum it I'll play
it."
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Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says
to the second. "You know, we could make a lot of money
running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."
The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two
pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower,
an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico
and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing
the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and
more people gather to watch them at work.
The first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord,
but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that
he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second
guy isn't able catch him, he falls again, bounces and comes
back up again.
This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, the second
guy misses him. The first guy falls again and bounces back
up.
This time, he comes back pretty messed up - he's got
a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.
Luckily, the second guy finally catches him this time
and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"
The first guy says, "No, the cord was fine, but what
the heck is a 'pinata'?"
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A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it
was raining and put his head out the window to check. As
he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up
to see where it came from in time to see a young woman
looking down.
"Is this yours?" he asked.
She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man
agreed.
On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered
the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed.
Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner.
There's plenty; would you like to join me?"
He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely
meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said,
"I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the
night?"
The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with
every man you meet?"
"No," she replied, "only those who catch my eye."
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A Roadway driver is driving east on Route 66 he sees
a truck driving west and the CB crackles to life." Hey
Roadway driver who's the two biggest poofs in America?"
comes from the CB.
The Roadway driver replies, "I don't know."
The other trucker says " You and your brother."
Well the Roadway driver gets all annoyed but the other
driver tells him "It's just a joke - tell it to the next
truck you see."
Well the Roadway driver drives for about an hour an
finally sees another truck. He gets on the CB and says
"Hey other truck, do you know who the two biggest poofs
in the world are?"
The other trucker says, "I don't know who?"
The roadway driver replies "Me and my brother"
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A seven-year-old little girl was excited when she went
to Disney World for the first time. She headed straight
for Space Mountain. Her parents were worried that the roller
coaster would be too scary for her, but she insisted.
To her delight, she rode it twice.
The next year the family returned to Magic Kingdom,
and the little girl, now eight, again raced to Space Mountain.
As they stood in line, though, the little girl was soberly
studying the signs that warn about the ride's speed.
"Dad," she said, "I don't think I want to go."
Her dad asked her why she would be nervous when she
had enjoyed herself last time.
She replied, "This year I can read better!"
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A woman was walking down the street when she saw a man
walking a three legged pig. She thinks to herself, "That's
odd." She decides to ask the man about the pig. "Excuse
me sir, can you tell me why it is you are walking down
the street with a pig that only has three legs?" "Why certainly,"
the man says. "I'm a farmer, and this here is a special
pig." "What makes it so special?" the woman asks. "Well,
the other day, we came across a school bus full of children
that had flipped over in a ditch and this pig ran down
and dragged all of the children out to safety. And just
a few days ago, I fell into the lake and would've drown
had it not been for this pig going in to save me."
"That's remarkable. But, why does he only have three
legs?" the woman asks.
"You see, ma'am," the farmer starts, "a pig this special
isn't eaten all at once."
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A guy goes into a public washroom and has to use the
only available urinal, between two elderly men. He glances
to his left and sees the guy pissing, but there are two
streams.
"What the hell is that?" he asks.
"War wound. I took a bullet in the penis in North Africa.
They were able to save my dick but they had to leave two
holes"
Then the guy looks to his right and sees. . . three
streams !!!
"What the hell is that?"
"War wound. Germany, bullet in the penis, left three
holes"
The two veterans then look over at the guy in the middle
and see. . . 12 streams!!
"War wound??"
"Naah, my zipper's stuck" |
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| DJ Fundamental |
| Last one's brilliant. |
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| Xo|oX |
| i like the one abou the pig!:stongue: :stongue: :stongue: :stongue: |
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| Maaz |
| Beware of the zipper :eek: :stongue: |
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| Kamaya |
Great Jokes!!!
thanks, laughed my ass off!!!! |
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| eye_03 |
| lmao hehehe:disbelief |
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