| jploveparade |
A husband and his wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed. So the man says to his wife "Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill" She ignores the remark. A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the grill, then he goes over to his wife while she is bending over, measures her rear end and gasps, "Geez, it really IS as wide as the grill!" She ignores this remark as well. Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken."
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A fellow passed a house with a little red light burning in front, so he stepped inside. There was nobody in sight, and nothing there but an empty bare hallway, with 2 doors reading "Over 35" and "Under 35". He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said "Over 35". He found himself in another empty hallway, this one with 2 doors that read, "Over 8 inches" and "Under 8 inches". Truthful again, he went through the "Under 8 inches" door and found himself in another empty hall, with 2 more doors reading, "Once a night" and "Over 4 times a night". Still wanting to be truthful, he entered the door marked "Once a night" and found himself back out on the street. The moral of this story is: "Always tell the truth and you'll never get screwed"
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Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man's man, who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my Red Shirt." The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt and while wearing the bright frock he led his mates into battle and defeated the pirates. Later on, the look-out again spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again howled for his red shirt and once again vanquished the pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs and one of the them asked the captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?" The captain replied, "If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood and thus, you men will continue to resist, unafraid." All of the men sat in silence and marvelled at the courage of such a man's manly man. As dawn came the next morning, the look-out once again spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The rank and file all stared in worshipful silence at the captain and waited for his usual reply. Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his mighty sailing ship and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants!"
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A princess is walking along when she looks down and sees an ugly frog. She picks it up and says, "My, but you're a really ugly frog." The frog says, "I know, I know. I got a really bad spell put on me." The princess says, "Jesus...I've seen frogs with spells, but none of them were as ugly as you." The frog says, "Look, leave me alone lady. I told you, it's a really bad spell." She says, "If I kiss you, will you turn into a handsome prince?" The frog says, "I don't know, lady. A spell this bad will probably take a blow job."
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Jack was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door, as he always does, to shake hands. The preacher grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside. "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" the preacher said to him. Jack replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?" the preacher questioned. Jack whispered back, "I'm in the Secret Service."
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Colin is on his first trip to the United States.
Upon arriving, he is visibly puzzled while
filling out the entrance form at the border.
The border official looks over Colin's shoulder
to see him write 'Once A Week' in the small
space labelled, "SEX".
The official explains, "No, no, no. That's not
what we mean by this question. We're asking
'Male' or 'Female'."
Colin replies. "Male, Female, Animal -- it
doesn't matter, - If it's got a hole, i'll
it." |
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