| jploveparade |
A drunken man was casually taking a piss into
a drinking fountain in the park. A police
officer comes up to him and yells frantically.
"What the hell do you think your doing.
There's a public toilet 20 meters from here!"
The man, amazed, yells back. "What do you
think I have, a hose?"
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A man walked into a therapists office looking
very depressed, "Doc, you've got to help me.
I can't go on like this."
"What's the problem?" the doctor inquired.
"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no
luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I
try, I just seem to scare them away."
"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You
just need to work on your self-esteem. Each
morning, I want you to get up and run to the
bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a
good person, a fun person and an attractive
person. But say it with real conviction.
Within a week you'll have women buzzing all
around you." The man seemed content with this
advice and walked out of the office a bit
excited.
Three weeks later he returned with the same
downtrodden expression on his face. "Did my
advice not work?" asked the doctor.
"It worked alright. For the past several weeks
I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my
life with the most fabulous looking women."
"So, what's your problem?"
"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My
wife does."
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The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large
supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here
in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of
minutes?"
"Why?"
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife
appears out of nowhere."
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The very snobbish wife was discussing the subject of
Christmas presents with her maid. "Now what about the
butler?" the rich woman said.
"A set of wine glasses?" the maid suggested.
The woman frowned icily. "He doesn't really need that. A
butler never entertains. He'll get a tie."
The maid grimaced, but said only, "What about a dress for
Jenny, the serving girl?"
The woman frowned again. "She doesn't really need a new
dress. She'll only get in trouble. We'll get her another apron."
The conversation continued in the same vein, and the maid
was chafing at her employer's arrogance when they reached
her husband. "I assume you want to get him something he
really needs, madam?" the maid replied.
"Of course," the woman replied.
"Then what about five more inches?"
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An angel appears at a faculty meeting and
tells the dean that in return for his
unselfish and exemplary behaviour, the
Lord will reward him with his choice of
infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.
Without hesitating, the dean selects
infinite wisdom.
"Done!" says the angel, and disappears in
a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.
Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who
sits surrounded by a faint halo of light.
One of his colleagues whispers, "Say something."
The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken
the money."
-----------------------------------
A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming
for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room
and has him put his dog down on the examination table.
The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments
tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead.
The man is clearly agitated and not willing to accept
this, and demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the
back room and comes out with a cat, and puts the cat down
next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks
from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and
finally looks at the vet and meows.
The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the
cat thinks that your dog is dead, too."
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is
dead. The vet brings in a Black Labrador. The Lab sniffs
the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at
the vet and barks.
The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the
lab thinks your dog is dead, too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the
vet and asks how much he owes.
The vet answers, "$550."
"$550 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man!
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged
you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was
for the cat scan and lab tests." |
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