| jploveparade |
A guy's walking down the boardwalk in Atlantic City and he runs into a hooker. He says, "How much?" She says "Twenty bucks." He says, "All right." They climb down under the boardwalk, and he bangs her. The next night, he runs into the same hooker, they go under the boardwalk, only this time while he's banging her, she blasts two incredible farts. When they get done, he hands her twenty-five dollars. She says, "What's the extra five?" He says, "That's for blowing the sand off my balls."
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A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie! The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes. So you can forget about getting three wishes. You only get one wish. The man sat down on the beach and thought about it for awhile. Then he said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii; but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so that I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete... how much steel...! No. Think of another wish." The man tried to think of another wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced several times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So I wish that I could understand women... know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment...know why they're crying...know what they really want when they say, 'Nothing'...know how to make them truly happy...." The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"
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Three people walked by a strip bar they walked in, the first guy licks a 100 dollar bill and slaps it on one side of her butt. The next guy also, licks a 100 dollar bill and slaps it on the other side of her butt. The third guy walks in takes out a credit card swipes it through her butt and takes the 200 dollars.
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It is two o'clock in the morning and a husband and his wife are asleep when suddenly the phone rings. The husband picks up the phone and before he can say anything, some talking came from the other end of the line and the husband says "How the heck do I know - what am I, the weather man?" and promptly slams the phone down. His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?" The husband replies, "I don't know, it was some bloke who wanted to know if the coast was clear."
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A woman walked into a very busy butcher's shop. Looking at meats and poultry on display, she suddenly grabbed hold of a dressed chicken, she picked up one wing, sniffed it, picked up the other wing and sniffed it, picked up one leg, sniffed it, picked up the other leg, sniffed it. Just as she finished sniffing the second leg, the butcher walked up to her and said, "Madam, could -you- pass such a test?"
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A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial
school near the preschool wing when a group of little ones
were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. Little Johnny
stopped and looked at him in his clerical clothes and asked,
"Why do you dress funny?"
He told him he was a priest and this is the uniform
priests wear.
Little Johnny pointed to the priest's plastic collar
tab and asked, "Do you have an owie?"
The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him
the collar tab looked like a band-aid. So the priest took
it out and handed it to Little Johnny, to show him. On
the back of the tab were raised letters giving the name
of the manufacturer.
Little Johnny felt the letters, and the priest asked,
"Do you know what those words say?"
"Yes I do," said Little Johnny, who was not old enough
to read. Peering intently at the letters he said, "Kills
ticks and fleas up to six months!"
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Tony and Angelo were on the dock watching
the Italian fleet coming into port. Steaming
past, high in the water, was a submarine.
Tony pointed to it and said, "Is'a that a
U-boat?"
And Angelo replied, "No, that's-a not-a
my boat."
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A little girl was asked what she wanted most
for her birthday and she declared: "A baby
brother."
"Daddy and I would like to give you a baby
brother," said her mom, "but there isn't
time before your birthday."
"Why don't you do like they do down at
Daddy's factory when they want something
in a hurry? Put more men on the job." |
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