| jploveparade |
While a friend and I were visiting Oxford
University, we noticed several students on
their hands and knees assessing the courtyard
with pencils and clipboards in hand.
"What are they doing?" I asked our tour guide.
"Each year," he replied with a grin, "The
Dean asks the new students how many bricks it
took to finish paving this courtyard."
"So what's the answer?" my friend asked him
when we were out of earshot of the freshmen.
The guide replied, "One."
--------------------------------
There was an unexpected knock on my door, and
like I always do I first opened the peephole
and asked, "Who's there?"
"Parcel post, ma'am. I have a package that
needs a signature."
"Where's the package?" I asked suspiciously.
The deliveryman held it up.
"Could I see some ID?" I said, still not
convinced.
"Lady," he replied wearily, "if I wanted to
break into your house, I'd probably just use
these." And he pulled out the keys I had
left in the door.
--------------------------
One night a fellow drove his secretary home
after she had imbibed a little too much at
an office reception. Although this was an
innocent gesture, he decided not to mention
it to his wife, who tended to get jealous
easily.
The next night the man and his wife were
driving to a restaurant. Suddenly he looked
down and spotted a high-heel shoe half hidden
under the passenger seat. Not wanting to be
conspicuous, he waited until his wife was
looking out her window before he scooped up
the shoe and tossed it out of the car.
With a sigh of relief, he pulled into the
restaurant parking lot. That's when he
noticed his wife squirming around in her
seat. "Honey," she asked, "have you seen my
other shoe?"
--------------------------------
Two blondes were walking down the road
and the first blonde says, "Look at that
dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes
and says, "Where?"
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Every day a peddler pulled his cart of wool
from his home to the village market. It was
a long trip. He had to travel around the
perimeter of a large lake that was owned by
the town tycoon, a modern day Scrooge.
One day, during the winter, the lake froze
over. The peddler realized he could cut two
miles off his trip if he crossed over the
lake. He was spotted halfway across the
frozen water by the tycoon, who came out of
his mansion screaming. "Get off my lake!"
he yelled. I'll be darned if I let anyone
pull the wool over my ice!"
---------------------------------------
At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call
from a drunk guy asking what time the bar
opens. "It opens at noon," answers the clerk.
About an hour later he gets a call from the
same guy, sounding even drunker. "What time
does the bar open?" he asks.
"Same time as before... Noon," replies the
clerk.
Another hour passes and he calls again,
plastered. "Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"
The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon,
but if you can't wait, I can have room service
send something up to you."
"No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git
OUT!!!"
-------------------------------
A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that
he wants to buy a pet that can do everything.
The owner says, "How about a dog?"
The man replies, "A dog? That's so ordinary! And a dog
can't do everything!"
The owner says, "How about a cat?"
The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything.
I want a pet that can do everything!"
The owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got
it -- a centipede!" The man says, "A centipede? I can't
imagine a centipede doing everything. But, okay ... I'll
try a centipede."
He gets the centipede home and says to it, "Clean the
kitchen." Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen
and it's immaculate. All the dishes and silverware have
been washed, polished, dried and put away. The countertops
have been cleaned. The appliances are sparkling. The floor
has been waxed.
He's absolutely amazed. He says to the centipede, "Go
clean the living room."
Twenty minutes later he walks into the living room.
The carpet has been vacuumed, the furniture clean and dusted,
the pillows on the sofa plumped and the plants watered.
The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing
I've ever seen. This is truly a pet that can do everything."
He says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and
get me a newspaper." The centipede walks out the door.
Ten minutes later, no centipede. Twenty minutes later,
no centipede. Thirty minutes later, no centipede.
The man is wondering what's going on. The centipede
should have been back in a couple of minutes. Forty-five
minutes later, still no centipede! The man can't imagine
what happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run
over by a car? Finally, he goes to the front door and opens
it... and there's the centipede sitting right outside the
door.
The man says, "Hey! I sent you 45 minutes ago to run
down to the corner and get me a newspaper. What's the story?"
The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm puttin'
on my shoes!"
----------------------------
A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each
other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the
other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too
loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned
up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist,
the other a doom & gloom pessimist.
Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday
their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable
toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse
manure.
That night the father passed by the pessimist's room
and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.
"Why are you crying?" the father asked.
"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read
all these instructions before I can do anything with this
stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will
eventually get broken," answered the pessimist twin.
Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him
dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so
happy about?" he asked.
To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to
be a pony in here somewhere!"
---------------------------
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend
of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty
four-wheel-drive vehicles."
"She did," he replied. "But where the hell was I going
to find a fake Jeep?" |
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