| jploveparade |
A guy walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing chap. He chugs
back a beer and says, "All the guys on this end of the bar are
s. Anyone got a problem with that?" Everyone is
understandably silent. He then chugs back another beer and says, "All
the guys on the other end of the bar are mother******s! Anyone got a
problem with that?" Everyone is silent, again. Then one man gets up
from his stool and starts to walk towards the man. "You got a problem,
buddy?" the big burly guy shouts out. "No, I'm just on the wrong side
of the bar."
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A woman walks into a bar and orders two shots. She downs the first
one, "This is for the shame," and then the second one," This is for
the glory." She then orders two more shots. She drinks the first one,
"This is for the shame," and then the second one, "This is for the
glory." She is about to order two more shots when the bartender stops
her, "Ma'am, I was just wondering...what's this about shame and
glory?" "Well," she replies, "I like to do my housework naked. But
when I bent over to pick something up, my great dane mounted me from
behind." "That must be the shame," the bartender said. "No, that was
the glory. The shame is when we got locked up and he dragged me around
the front yard for thirty minutes."
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There were 2 old-maid sisters... both virgins. It's Friday night and
Gladys looks at Betty and says, "I'm not going to die a virgin... I'm
going out and I'm not coming home 'til I've been laid!!" Betty says,
"Well, make sure you're home by 10 so I don't worry about you." 10
o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Gladys... 11 o'clock...12
o'clock... Finally about 15 after 1:00 AM the front door flies open.
In runs Gladys... straight to the bathroom. Betty goes and knocks on
the door, "Are you okay, Gladys?" No answer, so she opens the door and
there sits Gladys with her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and
her head stuck between her legs looking at herself. "What is it,
Gladys? What's wrong?" asks Betty. "Betty, it was 10 inches long when
it went in... and 5 when it came out. When I find the other half
you're gonna have the time of your life !
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A Deaf mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms. He has difficulty
communicating with pharmacist, and cannot see condoms on the shelf.
Frustrated, the deaf-mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick on
the counter, and puts down a five dollar bill next to it. The
pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf- mute, and then
picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket. Exasperated, the
deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language.
"Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you
shouldn't bet."
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An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father,
I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren. I
started taking this new Viagra pill, and last night I had an affair
and made love to two 18-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice. The
priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in
confession?" "Never Father, I'm Jewish." "So then, why are you telling
me?" "Hell! I'm telling everybody!"
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There's this man with a bald head and a wooden leg who gets invited to
a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his
head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the
problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note. "Dear Sir,
please find enclosed a pirates outfit. The spotted handkerchief will
cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right
as a pirate." The man thinks this is terrible because they have just
emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a really rude letter of
complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note
which says "Dear Sir, sorry about before, please find enclosed a monks
habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald
head you will really look the part." Now the man is really annoyed
since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing
his bald head and he writes the company a REALLY rude letter of
complaint. The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which
reads "Dear Sir, please find enclosed a jar of caramel. Pour the jar
of caramel over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and
go as a candied apple!"
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Once there was a beautiful woman who loved to work in her vegetable
garden, but no matter what she did, she couldn't get her tomatoes to
ripen. Admiring her neighbor's garden, which had beautiful, bright red
tomatoes, she went one day and inquired of him his secret. "It's
really quite simple," the old man explained. "Twice each day, in the
morning and in the evening, I expose myself in front of the tomatoes
and they turn red with embarrassment." Desperate for the perfect
garden, she tried his advice and proceeded to expose herself to her
plants, twice daily. Two weeks passed and her neighbor stopped by to
check her progress. "So," he asked. "Any luck with the tomatoes?"
"No," she replied excitedly..... "But you should see the size of my
cucumbers!" |
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