| jploveparade |
A butcher in his shop, and he's real busy, and
he notices a dog in the shop. He shoos him
away. But later, he notices the dog is back
again. So he goes over to the dog, and notices
he has a note in his mouth. He takes the note,
and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a
leg of lamb, please. The dog has money in his
mouth, as well." The butcher looks inside and,
lo and behold, there is a ten dollar bill there.
So he takes the money, and puts the sausages and
lamb in a bag, placing it in the dog's mouth.
The butcher is well impressed, and since it's
close to closing time, he decides to shut up
shop and follow the dog. So off he goes. The dog
is walking down the street, when he comes to a
pedestrian crossing. The dog puts down the bag,
jumps up and presses the button. Then he waits
patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to turn.
They do, and he walks across the road, with the
butcher following him all the way.
The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts
looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe
at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and
then sits on one of the seats provided. Along
comes a bus. The dog walks around to the front,
looks at the number, and goes back to his seat.
Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks
at the number, notices it's the right bus, and
climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed,
follows him onto the bus. The bus travels through
the town and out into the suburbs, the dog
looking at the scenery. Eventually he gets up,
and moves to the front of the bus. He stands on
2 back paws and pushes the button to stop the bus.
Then he gets off, his groceries still in his mouth.
Well, dog and butcher are walking along the road,
and then the dog turns into a house. He walks up
the path, and drops the groceries on the step.
Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run,
and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He
goes back down the path, runs up to the door and
-Whap!- throws himself against it again. There's
no answer at the house, so the dog goes back down
the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks
along the perimeter of the garden.
He gets to the window, and beats his head against
it several times, walks back, jumps off, and waits
at the door. The butcher watches as a big guy opens
the door, and starts laying into the dog. Kicking
him, punching him, and swearing at him. The butcher
runs up, and stops the guy.
"What the hell are you doing? The dog is a genius.
He could be on TV, for Roc's sake!", to which the
guy responds "Clever, my eye. This is the second
time this week that he's forgotten his key."
----------------------------
A young priest gets up in the morning and
goes to breakfast. On his way there two
nuns look at him and he says, "Good morning
sisters" and they reply in a sing song manner,
"You got up on the wrong side of the bed this
morning."
This stuns the priest who thought he had been
very polite but he just goes on. He encounters
a Brother a little while later along the way
and he says,"Good morning Brother."
The Brother replies in a sing song voice, "You
got up on the wrong side of the bed this
morning." The priest looks confused at all
this but goes on.
He gets a little farther and he comes across a
fellow priest and he says, "Good morning Father."
The priest replies in a sing song manner, "You
got up on the wrong side of the bed this
morning." Now the priest was mad. He
continues his walk to the dinning hall not
saying a word to anyone.
The Bishop sees him and says, "Father ..."
The young priest was not going to take any more
even from the bishop. He looks at the bishop
and says, "No I did not get up on the wrong
side of the bed this morning."
The bishop looks at him stunned and says "What?"
The priest realized his mistake and said "I am
sorry your holiness, what is it you want."
The bishop looks at him and says, "All I was
going to do was ask you why you had on Sister
Ann's shoes?"
----------------------------
Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting
older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of
mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator,
and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or
start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find
myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember
whether I was on my way up or on my way down."
The third one responded, " Well, ladies, I'm glad I
don't have that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped
her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be
the door, I'll get it!"
-------------------------------
The real meaning behind the abbreviations in personal ads:
FIRST THE WOMEN:
40-ish.................. 48
Adventurer.............. Has had more partners than you ever will
Athletic................ Flat-chested
Average looking......... Ugly
Beautiful............... Pathological liar
Contagious Smile........ Bring your penicillin
Educated................ College dropout
Emotionally Secure...... Medicated
Feminist................ Fat; ball buster
Free spirit............. Substance user
Friendship first........ Trying to live down reputation as slut
Fun..................... Annoying
Gentle.................. Comatose
Good Listener........... Borderline Autistic
New-Age................. All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned........... Lights out, missionary position only
Open-minded............. Desperate
Outgoing................ Loud
Passionate.............. Loud
Poet.................... Depressive financially insecure
Professional............ Real Witch
Redhead................. Shops the Clairol section
Reubenesque............. Grossly Fat
Romantic................ Looks better by candle light
Voluptuous.............. Very Fat
Weight proportional to height................ Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate.......... One step away from stalking
Widow................... Nagged first husband to death
Young at heart.......... Toothless crone
THE MALE SIDE OF THE LIST:
40-ish.................. 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic................ Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
Average looking......... Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Educated................ Will always treat you like an idiot
Free Spirit............. Sleeps with your sister
Friendship first........ As long as friendship involves nudity
Fun..................... Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking............ Arrogant
Honest.................. Pathological Liar
Huggable................ Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Like to cuddle.......... Insecure, overly dependent
Mature.................. Until you get to know him
Open-minded............. Wants to sleep with your sister but she's not
interested
Physically fit.......... I spend a lot of time in front of mirror
admiring
myself
Poet.................... Has written on a bathroom stall
Spiritual............... Once went to church with his grandmother on
Easter
Sunday
Stable.................. Occasional stalker, but never arrested
Thoughtful.............. Says "Please" when demanding a beer
-----------------------------
Chinese Ebonics :D
* Are you harbouring a fugitive? (Hu Yu Hai Ding?)
* Approach me. (Kum Hia)
* Stupid Fellow (Dum Gai)
* Small horse (Tai Ni Poni)
* Prices are too high here (No Bai Dam Ting)
* Miami vacationing agreed with you (Ya Mai Ti Tan)
* I bumped into a coffee table (Ai Bang Mai Ni)
* Have you considered a face lift? (Chin Tu Fat)
* You try saving electricity? (Wai So Dim?)
* Unauthorized execution (Lin Ching)
* Inquiry to determine if bus is due (Hao Long Wei Ting?)
* Plaything belonging to ancient emperor (Ming Toy)
* You're blowing your diet (Wai Yu Mun Ching?)
* Keep out of the pond (Noh Wei Ding)
* Tow-away zone (No Pah King)
* Don't you know anything by Cole Porter? (Wai Yu Sing DumSong?)
* You are not very bright (Yu So Dum)
* I have a press pass (Ai No Pei)
* I don't deserve the death penalty (Wai Hang Mi?)
* You're suffering from chronic halitosis (Yu Bai Sen Sen Nao)
* Remain out of sight (Lei Lo)
* Cleaning automobile (Wa Shing Cah)
* Did someone fertilize the field? (Hu Flung Dung?)
* Your body odour is offensive (Shu Man Go)
* They are approaching (Hia Dei Kum) |
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