| jploveparade |
Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot
day. One said to the other, "Why are we down
in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is
standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I
don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."
So he climbed out of the hole and went to his
boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and
you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence,"
the boss said. "What do you mean, 'intelligence'?"
The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put
my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it
with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch
digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the
boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the
ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's
intelligence!"
The ditch digger went back to his hole. His
friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we
are down here because of intelligence." "What's
intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger
put his hand on his face and said, "Take your
shovel and hit my hand."
------------------------
A man and his wife were driving their RV across
the country and were nearing a town spelled Kissimee.
They noted the strange spelling and tried to
figure how to pronounce it - KISS-a-me; kis-A-me;
kis-a-ME. They grew more perplexed as they drove
into the town.
Since they were hungry, they pulled into a
place to get something to eat. At the counter,
the man said to the waitress:
"My wife and I can't seem to be able to figure
out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell
me where we are and say it very slowly so that
I can understand."
The waitress looked at him and said: "Buuurrrgerrr
Kiiiinnnng."
------------------------
There was a guy walking down the street in San
Fransisco, and he tripped over an old looking
oil lamp. He picked it up and hid it under his
jacket, because he thaught it was priceless.
While he was running to the antique shop to cash
this puppy in, it rubbed against his shirt. *POOF*
A genie popped out of his pocket!
The very angry looking Genie said, "Alright,
I have had enough with this three wish stuff,
and 'cuz you stole me away from my HBO Special,
I will only give you one wish!"
The suprised man said, " OK, I want to live
in Hawaii in a huge condo on the beach with three
million dollars in the master bedroom, but I
am afraid of boats and planes so I want you to
build a bridge from here to Hawaii."
The genie replied with a smirk, " Are you crazy?
Do you know how long that will take, with the
pillars going down to the bottom of the ocean,
all the cement it would take for the highway?
No I'm sorry, it just can't happen."
The man said with a smile, "Fine then, I want
to understand women."
The genie said, " Would you like two lanes
or four?"
----------------------
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After
all of the background checks, interviews, and
testing were done there were three finalists
-- two men and one woman. For the final test,
the CIA agents took one of the men to a large
metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions,
no matter what the circumstances. Inside this
room you will find your wife sitting in a chair.
You have to kill her."
The first man said."You can't be serious. I
could never shoot my wife,"
The agent replies, "Then you're not the right
man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room. All was
quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent
came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but
I can't kill my wife." The agent replies, "You
don't have what it takes. Take your wife and
go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she
was told to kill her husband. She took the gun
and went into the room. Shots were heard, one
shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing,
banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all
was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood
the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow
and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was
loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death
with the chair."
----------------------
A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney,
walks into a room to meet with his former accountant.
The Godfather asks the accountant, "Where is
the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?" The
accountant does not answer.
The Godfather asks again, "Where is the 3 million
bucks you embezzled from me?"
The attorney interrupts, "Sir, the man is a
deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can
interpret for you."
The Godfather says, "Well ask him where my
damn money is!" The attorney, using sign language,
asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars
is.
The accountant signs back, "I don't know what
you are talking about."
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He
doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol,
puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks
the trigger and says, "Ask him again where my
damn money is!"
The attorney signs to the accountant, "He wants
to know where it is!"
The accountant signs back, "OK! OK! OK! The
money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the
shed in my backyard!"
The Godfather says, "Well....what did he say?"
The attorney interprets to the Godfather, "He
says...go to hell... ..that you don't have the
guts to pull the trigger."
---------------------
A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother
one morning and brought her a cup of coffee.
He made it himself and he was so proud. Anxiously,
he waited to hear the verdict. The grandmother
in all her life had never had such a bad cup
of coffee. As she forced down the last sip, his
grandmother noticed three of those little green
army guys were in the bottom of the cup.
She asked, "Honey, why would three of your
little army men be in the bottom of my cup?"
Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's
like on TV. 'The best part of waking up is soldiers
in your cup'."
-----------------------
Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye went
to study at an English university and was living
in the hall of residence with all the other students
there. After he had been there a month, his mother
came to visit him.
"And how do you find the English students,
Donald?" she asked.
"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible,
noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging
his head on the wall and won't stop. The one
on the other side screams and screams all night."
"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with
these awful noisy English neighbors?"
"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them.
I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes."
------------------------
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They
loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After
driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible
blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the
attractive lady who answered the door if they could
spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have
this huge house all to myself, but I'm
recently "widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the
neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "Well be happy to sleep in the
barn.
And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first
light," The lady agreed, and the two men found their way
to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning,
the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They
enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. About nine months
later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.
It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he
finally determined that it was from the attorney of that
attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you
remember nine month ago that good-looking widow from the
farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go
up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found
out. "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling
her your name?"
Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy.
I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything." |
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