| jploveparade |
The preacher rose with a red face. "Someone in this
congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the KKK
This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian
community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not
intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this
to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian
family."
No one moved. The preacher continued, " Do you not have
the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood.
Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you
will feel glory. Now stand and confess your
transgression."
Again all was quiet. Slowly a "drop dead" gorgeous blond
with a body that would not stop rose from the third pew.
Her head was bowed and voice quivered as she
spoke. "Reverend there has been a terrible
misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the
Klu Klux Klan. I told a couple of friends you were a
wizard under the sheets. "
--------------------
The family was gathered together to assist with
preparations for arrival of the new baby.
Painting window trim, hanging wall paper and
assembling the crib.
The expectant mom's nephew, Mike, aged three,
was also in attendance and helping as only
little ones can. During one of his rest breaks,
he asked where the baby was.
Mike's mom pointed to her sisters protruding
stomach and said "it's in here".
Little Mike looked at his Aunts stomach, with
big eyes he looked up at his aunt and said "you
ate your baby?"
-----------------------
Among the speakers were many well known motivational
speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and,
gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best
years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that
wasn't my wife!"
The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And
that woman was my mother!" - The crowd burst into
laughter and he gave his speech which, went over well.
About a week later one of the ministers who had attended
the seminar decided to use that joke in his sermon. As
he shyly approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he
tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It seemed a bit
foggy to him this morning. Getting to the microphone he
said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent
in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!"
His congregation sat shocked. After standing there for
almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of
the joke, the pastor finally blurted out "...and I can't
remember who she was!"
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A young woman with small breasts buys a finely
carved mirror at an oriental antique shop and
hangs it on her bathroom door.
One morning, while getting undressed, she
playfully says: "Mirror, mirror, on my door,
make my boobs forty-four".
Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light,
and her boobs grow to enormous proportions.
Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what
has happened, and in minutes they both return.
This time the husband crosses his fingers and
says: "Mirror, mirror on the door, make my penis
touch the floor!".
Again, there's a brilliant flash of light and,
at that instant, both of his legs fall off.
------------------------
Young boy on his way home from school must pass by a
group of hookers. Everyday as he passes them, the
hookers wave at him with their pinkies and say, "Hi
there little boy!!"
One day the boy stops and asks one of the hookers why
they always wave at him with their pinkies. She
replies "Well...that is what size we imagine your penis
to be...it is just a joke!"
The next day on his way home, the hookers repeat the
tradition. The young boy stops and drops his school
books on the ground, sticks all his fingers in his mouth
to stretch his lips very wide and says, "HI THERE
LADIES!"
--------------------------
An eighty-year-old man was having an annual physical. As
the doctor was listening to his heart with the
stethoscope, he began muttering, "Oh oh!"
The man asked the doctor what the problem was.
"Well," said the doc, "you have a serious heart murmur.
Do you smoke?"
"No," replied the man.
"Do you drink in excess?
"No," replied the man.
"Do you have a sex life?"
"Yes, I do!"
"Well," said the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart
murmur, you'll have to give up half your sex life."
Looking perplexed, the old man said, "Which half - the
looking or the thinking?"
-----------------------
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a
virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you
explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call
your private place 'the prison' and call my private
thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling
with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the
prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have
to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, they guy reaches
for his cigarettes
But the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new
experience of making love, gives him a suggestive
smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the
unsteady legs of a recently born foal. Afterwards, he
lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner
escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey,
it's not life imprisonment!" |
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