| jploveparade |
Old Salt A crusty old battleship admiral died and found himself standing before Saint Peter at the pearly gates. Peter welcomed him warmly, "Come right in, Admiral! You've served your country well and you may enter Heaven!"
The admiral looked thru the gates and stepped up to Saint Peter, "Just one thing, sonny. I hope there's no Chiefs here. They are the rudest, most obnoxious variety of human ever, and if there are any of them here, I'm not going in; I'd rather go to the other place."
"Don't worry, admiral," said Saint Peter. "No Chief has ever made it into Heaven. You'll find none of 'em here."
So, the admiral goes on into Heaven. Moments later, he comes upon an amazing sight. It is a swaggering figure in a khakis, garrison cap cocked slightly on his head, a mostly empty bottle of Jack Daniels in one hand, and a beautiful woman on either arm. Incensed, the admiral rushes back to Saint Peter and gets in his face. "Hey! You said there were no Chiefs here! So what the hell is THAT?!?"
"Don't worry, admiral," says Saint Peter gently. "That's God. He just THINKS he's a Chief."
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There was a young priest who was having trouble both writing and delivering his sermons. So he asked his Bishop for help.
The wise old Bishop said, "Well you might start with something to attract and hold their attention, such as, 'Last night I was in the warm embrace of a good woman,' that will get their attention then you go on to talk about how warm and accepting she was and at the end reveal she was your mother; that is great for sermons about family love."
The young priest decided to take the advice. The following Sunday he got into the pulpit and said, "Last night I was in the arms a hot woman," he paused.
The congregation was totally transfixed; no lack of attention now. But he had forgotten what come next, so he stumbled on about how great she was and how good she made him feel. Then he thought of a way to get out of his problem.
He said in conclusion, "Well I may not remember who she was, but she was recommended by the Bishop!"
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Top 11 reasons for women to go to work naked
11. No one ever steals your chair.
10. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
9. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
8. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep
them.
7. So that-with a little help from Muzak-you can add "Exotic Dancer"
to your exaggerated resume.
6. You want to see if it's like the dream.
5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your
blouse.
4. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
3. Inventive way to finally meet that special person in Human
Resources.
2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your
tan.
...And (drum roll) the number one reason to Go To Work Naked:
1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by
8:00!"
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Three men: a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot,
were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.
Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves
standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St
Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.
"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that
Heaven is now overcrowded, therefore St Peter has agreed to
limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of
you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot
answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not,
then you'll come with me to Hell."
The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most
comprehensive report on Socrates' teachings," With a snap
of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil.
The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct.
"Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the
philosopher disappeared.
The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated
formula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger,
another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The
mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was
correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his
finger, the mathematician disappeared, too.
The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a
chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes
on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat
on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he
asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"
The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from
the right."
"Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my ." And
the idiot went to Heaven.
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An old farmer was hauling a load of manure when
he was stopped by a state trooper. "You were
speeding," the cop said. "I'm going to have to
give you a ticket."
"Yep," the farmer said as he watched the trooper
shoo away several flies.
" These flies sure are terrible," the trooper
complained.
"Yep," the farmer said. "Them are circle flies."
"What's a circle fly?"
"Them flies that circle a horse's tail," answered
the farmer. "Them are circle flies."
"You wouldn't be calling me a horse's ass, would
you?" the trooper angrily asked.
"Nope, I didn't," the farmer replied. "But you
just can't fool them flies." |
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