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Jokes part 64 (little johnny inside)
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| jploveparade |
A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike
one day. It was very hot. They were sweating and
exhausted when they came upon a small lake.
Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all
their clothes and jumped in the water.
Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few
berries while enjoying their "freedom." As they
were crossing an open area, who should come
along but a group of ladies from town.
Unable to get to their clothes in time, the
minister and the priest covered their privates
and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for
cover.
After the ladies had left and the men got their
clothes back on, the minister and the priest
asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather
than his privates. The rabbi replied, "I don't
know about you, but in MY congregation, it's my
face they would recognize.
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A couple arrived at town hall seconds before
closing time, and caught a judge just as he
was about to leave, and asked him to marry
them. He asked if they had a license and,
when they didn't, sent them off to get one.
They caught the town clerk just as he was
locking up, and got the license from him.
When they got back to the judge, he pointed
out they had filled the names in backwards
-- his where hers belonged and vice versa.
They rushed back to the clerk's office,
caught him again, and got another license.
This time, the judge noticed that the clerk
had filled in the date in the wrong format.
Again they catch the clerk... After five
reissued licenses, the judge is finally
satisfied.
Judge: "I hope you appreciate why I made you
keep going back. If there are irregularities
in the license, your marriage would not be
legal, and any children you might have would
be technical bastards."
Groom: "That's funny - that's just what the
clerk called you."
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Little Johnny: "Mom that bike is just the one
I want for my birthday. Please get it for me."
Mom: "I don't know you haven't been good lately."
Little Johnny: "Puhleeze, puhleeze Mom it's the
only thing I want in this whole world."
Mom: Y"ou've really been bad lately. I have
to think about this first."
Little Johnny: "Mom how do you know when I'm bad?"
Mom: "Jesus tells me."
Johnny runs to his bedroom and kneels to pray:
"Jesus, I will be good for a whole month if you
get me that bike."
But thinks, 'Hmmm...I'll never make it for that
long.'
Johnny: Jesus, I'll be good for a whole week if
you get me the bike."
'Hmmmmm... that's too long too I'll never make it'.
Johnny: "Jesus, get me the bike I'll be good for
a whole day."
'Hmmmmmm... can't do that either.'
Little Johnny then runs to his mother's room and
gets statue of Virgin Mary - empties toy box
puts statue in center of box and repacks toys
around it - closes the toybox.
He kneels near bed and says "Jesus, if you ever
want to see your Mother again you'll get me that
bike."
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The little sexy housewife was built so well
the TV repairman couldn't keep his eyes off
of her. Every time she came in the room,
he'd near about jerk his neck right out of
joint looking at her.
When he'd finished she paid him and said,
"I'm going to make a ...well... unusual
request. But you have to first promise me
you'll keep it a secret."
The repairman quickly agreed and she went
on. "Well, it's kind of embarrassing to talk
about, but while my husband is a kind, decent
man -- sigh -- he has a certain physical
weakness. A certain disability. Now, I'm a
woman and you're a man . . . "
The repairman could hardly speak, "Yes yes!"
"And since I've been wanting to ever since
you came in the door . . ."
"Yes yes!"
"Would you help me move the refrigerator?"
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One day the different parts of the body were having an
argument to see which should be in charge.
The brain said "I do all the thinking so I'm the most
important and I should be in charge."
The eyes said "I see everything and let the rest of you
know where we are, so I'm the most important and I
should be in charge."
The hands said "Without me we wouldn't be able to pick
anything up or move anything. So I'm the most important
and I should be in charge."
The stomach said "I turn the food we eat into energy for
the rest of you. Without me, we'd starve. So I'm the most
important and I should be in charge."
The legs said "Without me we wouldn't be able to move
anywhere. So I'm the most important and I should be in
charge."
Then the rectum said "I think I should be in charge."
All the rest of the parts said "YOU?!? You don't do
anything! You're not important! You can't be in charge."
So the rectum closed up. After a few days, the legs were all
wobbly, the stomach was all queasy, the hands were all shaky,
the eyes were all watery, and the brain was all cloudy.
They all agreed that they couldn't take any more of this and
agreed to put the rectum in charge.
Today's lesson: You don't have to be the most important to be
in charge, just an .
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During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached
the pastor with an unusual offer.
"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the
wedding vows. When you get to me and the part
where I'm to promise to 'love, honour and obey'
and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her
forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave
that part out." He passed the minister a $100
bill and walked away satisfied.
It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride
and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony
where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time
for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young
man in the eye and says:
"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before
her, obey her every command and wish, serve her
breakfast in bed every morning of your life and
swear eternally before God and your lovely wife
that you will not ever even look at another woman,
as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a
tiny voice, "Yes."
The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I
thought we had a deal."
The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and
whispered back, "She made me a much better offer." |
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| eye_03 |
| hahah, rofl at the last one |
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| Trancealot |
I hope little johnny never grows up!
:disbelief |
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| cHiLD |
| that last one's great!!!:haha: |
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| dr me |
| quote: | Originally posted by cHiLD
that last one's great!!!:haha: |
here here |
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