| jploveparade |
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and went
in for heart surgery. The operation went well,
and as the groggy man regained consciousness,
he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy waiting
by his bed.
"Mr. Napoli, you're going to be just fine,"
the nun said while patting his hand. "We do
have to know, however, how you intend to pay
for your stay here. Are you covered by
insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Can you pay in cash?"
"I'm afraid I can't, Sister."
"Do you have any close relatives, then?"
"Just my sister in Chicago," replied the man,
but she's a spinster and a nun."
"Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Napoli ," the nun
replied. "They are married to God."
"Okay, great" the man said with a smile, "then
send the bill to my brother-in-law."
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A priest and pastor from the local parishes
are standing by the side of the road holding
up a sign that reads, "The End is Near! Turn
yourself around now before it's too late!"
They planned to hold up the sign to each
passing car.
"Leave us alone you religious nuts!" yelled
the first driver as he sped by.
From around the curve they heard screeching
tires and a big splash.
"Do you think," said one clergy to the other,
"we should just put up a sign that says
'Bridge Out' instead?"
---------------------------
One evening, a young woman came home from a
date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony
proposed to me an hour ago."
"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.
"Because he also told me he is an atheist.
Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell."
Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between
the two of us, we'll show him just how wrong
he is."
--------------------------
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding
and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended
when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this
vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of
it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove
box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after
I shot and killed the woman who owns this car
and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called
his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by
police, and the captain approached the driver
to handle the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box
so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove
box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk?
I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer
who stopped you said you told him you didn't
have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the
glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the
trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding,
too.
------------------------
A lady was walking down the street to work
and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a
pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady,
you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious!
She stormed past the store to her work. On the
way home she saw the same parrot and it said
to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
She was incredibly ticked now. The next day
the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady,
you are really ugly."
The lady was so ticked that she went into the
store and said that she would sue the store and
kill the bird. The store manager replied, "That's
not good," and promised he wouldn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that day
after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."
She paused and said, "Yes?"
The bird said, "You know."
-------------------------
Betty and Tim were killed in an auto accident
on the eve of their wedding. When they reached
the pearly gates, St. Peter met them. They asked
if they could still be married in Heaven.
"Well, let me find out if this is possible.
Stay here and I will be right back."
Six months passed and finally Peter returned.
"Yes, we can do this for you."
"Well, as we have spent so much time together
waiting for your answer, we need to know that
if things don't work out there's a possibility
that we could be divorced?'
To which St. Peter answered "It took me six
months to find a priest up here...how long do
you think it will take me to find a lawyer?"
---------------------
A blonde bought two horses, and could never
remember which was which. A neighbor suggested
that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked
great until the other horse got his tail caught
in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly
like the other horse's tail and our friend was
stuck again.
The neighbor suggested she notch the ear off
one horse. That worked fine until the other horse
caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again
our friend couldn't tell them apart. The neighbor
suggested she measure the horses for height.
When she did, she was very pleased to find that
the white horse was 2 inches taller than the
black.
--------------------
When the store manager returned from lunch, he
noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before
he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had
some very good news for him.
"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally
sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"
"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted
thing?!" the manager asked.
"That's the one!"
"That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought
we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That
had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But
tell me, why is your hand bandaged?"
"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the
guy that suit, his seeing-eye dog bit me." |
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