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Real Life Quotes, courtesy of Chris Fox
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| dj_mdma |
Who is Chris Fox, i hear u all cry! Possibly the funniest man alive, and a good friend of mine. Here are a collection of memorable, funny quotes from his 6th form days. (High School to u Americans!)
I was under the impression I went to a really, really good school. However when my teachers were busy saying stuff like this, I left a bit baffled and confused. Let's start with the most prolific nonsense-talker, the one and only Mr Pete Simmonds, head of Geography. What he doesn't know about his subject you could write on the back of a postage stamp, but when he opens his mouth you could easily get the wrong impression:
'Turn on your radio, TV, or newspaper' I turn on a lot of newspapers...
'A bucket of empty water' I think he meant an empty bucket of water, but you never can tell
'If you get full marks, you can have a bonus mark' which would still leave you with full marks, wouldn't it....
'They had 3 months in 24 hours' I'm not even sure how this one came up
'Lorries were up to their ankles in water'
'The houses were up to the water' again, he probably meant the water was up to the houses, but I wasn't sure
'People's lives can be replaced. houses can't' hopefully he AGAIN meant the other way round
'Let's start off on the first page - page 2; and if we turn over to the next page, page 6...' interesting booklet
'We measured the height of buildings and pedestrians' he meant we measured the height of buildings and the number of pedestrians, but it gave the impression we measured the height of pedestrians, which - unsurprisingly - we didn't
'Blimey O'Reilly, we've still got some more geography to teach' one term into a two year course...
'Once you've got your pen on the graph, you're laughing' interesting logic, but no
'I want to get a flow going' it was funny at the time
'It's great if you're a little snake. Or a big snake. Or a little ant' WHAT?????
'All the trees say "we can't grow over christmas; let's put our roots up and have a break' was the technical explaination of why trees shed their leaves in winter
'A boat moors up 100m from the sea' once again, I think he meant the land, but I only think
'No wonder there are 3rd world countries - they're not ready for geography'
'I wouldn't say rainfall was in the water cycle' would you not? where does all the water come from then?
'You can only eat with a knife and fork' only in the 17th century could you only eat with a knife and fork. And what about the Orientals?
However, he was generous enough to share his fluent crap with his other department members. Firstly, Mr Nathan Hunt, a man often ridiculed because his wife was considerably more loaded than he, and his staring eyes and stupid lip-smacking noises. In retrospect, I'm not sure we laughed at him for that, considering what happened when he started to speak:
'Put it in your where' what is a "where" and where can we put it?
'900 miles away is quicker than going somewhere local' the inimitable logic of a geography teacher
'Just use your bonk'
'Manchester is a university town - it's full of students. But why isn't it full of executives?' maybe because it's FULL OF STUDENTS
'It's going to be hot. or it isn't' more profoundness. either way, it hardly needed saying
'Yeah, the subcell does have an official name.....probably Brian'
'We need someone fairly....Julian'
'Feel my box'
'Leonie, stroke at will'
Last, and by no means least (from the Geography department) was Mr Simon Wurr, referred to by all as Daddy Worm, simply because he WAS "The Daddy." At least with verbal faux pas:
'This A4 handout has two sides' in his defence, he meant it was printed on both sides, although that's not what he said
'Temperature is based around the growing season' taking a leaf from Bill's book of swapping words about
'Wherever you go there's pizza everywhere' where does he go?
'Look at the stuff you missed out' which would be difficult, considering it's not there, because you missed it out!
'We're all partners' er, no.
'Correct me if I'm talking rubbish....' asking for trouble
'Sorry, could you repeat the question, I just sneezed' yes Daddy, we noticed the noise and you falling off your chair
'Accuracy is our middle name' speak for yourself
'Make a list of questions you don't understand' olive why on stuffing over where? would be an example of a question I don't understand
However, Mr Barry Heywood of the Business Studies department had clearly had some serious staff meetings on whether to let the Geography department get away with being so thick by themselves. Therefore, he chipped in with:
'It's not on because it's not on.......or something'
'Let's spend 10 minutes chewing the cud' no thanks all the same
You could be forgiven for thinking that was absolutely woeful, although sidekick Mr Nigel Vile stepped in to save the day with:
'I don't like saying things twice........could you listen please.......I don't like saying things twice'
'If I write this up...NHS nurses......oops, can't spell N H S' but you just did Nigel...twice
'I'm not working with my hands' sadly that's not what you think - he was explaining why he wasn't writing on the board
'Bill Morris was originally from the West Indies' which gives the impression he is now from somewhere else...
And finally Mrs Louise Doliczny (Doll Each Knee), also of the Business Studies department, had this to say:
'My husband is already 7 years older than me' giving the impression that the age gap may at some stage change...
'Market and marketing are interchangable' yes, let's sell the cows at the cattle marketing
'Whoever's banging can you stop' :haha:
'I know I'm quicker and easier Tom, but you'll have to get up on your hind legs and come over here'
Which just left the Maths Department, where my main teacher was Miss Kate Eaves, referred to by Elliot and I as Mrs Leaves. Such riddles as these followed:
'I'm very tired, and I've already had a trouser crisis'
'I teach all day - if you can call it that' it's because the day is 9-4, which she doesn't think is a full day, although she made it sound like she didn't think it was teaching
'I've got a new bin - that's exciting'
'Sometimes we have constants coming out of our ears'
'Let's put a big BUT'
'If the photo finishes early, don't bother coming back here because I can't be bothered to teach you'
'Big N - sounds like a gangster doesn't it?'
'4 is an unwelcome guest at the binomial christmas party'
Matched only by Mr Dave Chapman, a complete prick and qualified nonsense-talker:
'I've got to use a bit of force - now, where do you want it?'
'No relationship between sex first time'
No surprise, therefore, that I left school with a B in Business Studies, a C in Geography and an N in Maths |
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| dr me |
:haha: :haha:
the stupidity of humans never ceases to amaze |
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