| jploveparade |
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered
a want ad for an accountant. Now he was being interviewed
by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he
had started himself. "I need someone with an accounting
degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone
to do my worrying for me."
"Excuse me?" the accountant said.
"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But
I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will
be to take all the money worries off my back."
"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the
job pay?"
"I'll start you at eighty thousand."
"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed.
"How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
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A couple traveling cross country decided to stop for a
cup of coffee in a local diner somewhere in Texas. While
they were sitting at a booth near the counter sipping their
coffee, a local cowboy stumbles in and heads for the closest
stool at the counter. As he lifts his leg over the stool,
he cuts one of the loudest farts ever heard by a human.
The tourist jumps up and yells, "Sir, how dare you fart
before my wife!"
The cowboy stopped, tipped his hat politely and says,
"I'm awful sorry ma'am...I didn't know we was a takin'
turns."
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Some members of a health club were having their first meeting.
The director of the group said, "Now, I'd like each of
you to give the facts of your daily routine."
Several people spoke, admitting their excesses, and
then one obviously overweight members said, "I eat moderately,
I drink moderately, and I exercise frequently."
"Hmm?" said the manager. "And are you sure you having
nothing else to add?"
"Well, yes," said the member. "I lie extensively."
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One of the best marksmen in the FBI was passing through
a small town. Everywhere he saw evidences of the most amazing
shooting. On trees, on walls, and on fences there were
numerous bull's-eyes with the bullet hole in dead center.
The FBI man asked one of the townsmen if he could meet
the person responsible for this wonderful marksmanship.
The man turned out to be the village idiot.
"This is the best marksmanship I have ever seen," said
the FBI man. "How in the world do you do it?"
"Nothing to it," said the idiot. "I shoot first and
draw the circles afterward."
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A guy walks into a bar and starts chatting with a tall,
attractive blonde woman. During the course of the conversation
he says would you like to hear a 'blonde' joke ?
"Well", says the girl, "I'm obviously blonde, I'm 6
feet tall without heels and I've been training in judo
for the past 5 years."
Raising her voice slightly she went on, "My flatmate's
blonde, she's 6 feet 2 inches tall, has been involved in
karate for 10 years, she's a black belt and has been Southern
Counties Ladies' Champion for the past 3 years.
Lastly she added "My next door neighbor's blonde, she
weighs over 200 pounds and is a professional womens' wrestler,
do you still want to tell the joke about a blonde ?"
"Well no" came the reply, "Not if I've got to explain
it 3 times".
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A client brought a litter of golden retriever puppies to
a veterinary clinic for innoculations and worming. As the
look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in
their box, the vet realized it would be difficult to tell
the treated ones from the rest. So, the vet turned on the
water faucet, wet his fingers, and moistened each dog's
head when he had finished.
After the fourth puppy, the vet noticed the talkative
client had grown silent. As the vet sprinkled the last
pup's head, the woman leaned forward and whispered, "I
didn't know they had to be baptized, too."
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A Navy Admiral (which Navy will go unspecified) was
being court-martialed for an incident where he was
found to be chasing a young lady through the hallways
of the hotel in which they were both staying.
Neither of them were wearing anything. One of the
charges was that of "being out of uniform."
The Admiral's lawyer argued that the officer was not
out of uniform, as the regulations read: "A Naval
officer must be at all times appropriately attired
for the activity in which he is engaged."
The Admiral was acquitted. |
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