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Jokes part 82
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| jploveparade |
A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer
just as President Bush came on the TV.
After a few sips he looked up at the screen and
mumbled, "Now there's the biggest horse's ass
I've ever seen."
Immediately, a customer at the end of the bar got
up, walked over, decked him, and left.
A few minutes later, the man was finishing his
beer when Mrs Bush appeared on the TV. "She's a
horse's ass too," he said.
A customer from the other end of the bar got up,
walked over, and knocked him off his stool.
"Damnit!" the man said, climbing back up to the
bar. "This must be Bush country!"
"Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"
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A senior citizen visits his doctor for a routine check-up and
everything seems fine. The doctor asks him about his sex life.
"Well..." the man drawled, "not bad at all to be honest. The wife
ain't all that interested anymore, so I just cruise around. In
the past week I was able to pick-up and bed at least three girls,
none of whom were over thirty years old."
"My goodness Frank, and at your age, too." the doctor said. "I
hope you took at least some precautions."
"Yep. I may be old, but I ain't senile yet doc. I gave 'em all a
phony name."
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Technaut's mother catches him masturbating and warns him:
"Stu, you're gonna go blind if you keep touching yourself."
And the kid answers, "Well, can I just do it, then,
until I need glasses?"
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A prostitute went to visit a colleague in the hospital just
before she was about to have a heart transplant.
The woman, concerned about her friend's welfare, went up to the
surgeon who was going to perform the operation and said "Doctor,
I'm worried about my friend. What if her body rejects the organ?"
The doctor replied "Well, she's 34 years old and is in extremely
good health apart from her heart. How long has she been in the
business?"
The patient's friend replied "She's been working since she was 18
years old, but what's that got to do with anything?"
"Well," said the doctor, "if she's been working for 16 years and
hasn't rejected an organ, I don't think she's about to start
now!"
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Three boys received their grades from their female
sex education instructor. One got a D+, the second
a D- and the third an F.
"One day we should get her for this," said the
first boy.
"I agree. We'll grab her..." said the second.
"Yeah," said the third. "And then we'll kick her
in the nuts!"
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A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group
of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of
age. The group surrounded a dog.
Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and
asked "What are you doing with that dog?"
One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighbourhood
stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So
we've decided whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will
get to keep the dog."
Of course, the Reverend was taken aback.
"You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he
exclaimed.
He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying,
beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie?" and ending
with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."
There was dead silence for about a minute.
Just as the Reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through
to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right,
give him the dog."
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Eddie came to work Monday and his co-workers asked
him how his weekend was.
He said he played a little golf. So, one of his
co-workers asked him how well he did.
"I hit two of my best balls," he said.
"Tell me about it," asked his co-worker.
"I stepped on a rake."
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A man was vacationing in Mexico, and was in a men's room taking a leak,
when one of the locals came in, looked at his dick, walked up to him and
said, "Excuse me, Senor, I don't mean to be forward, but you have a very
nice dick."
The man felt a little uncomfortable, but thought to himself, "Well, this
is a different culture, and I don't want to upset anyone", so he said to
the local "Gracias, Senor", and continued his task in hand.
The local then said, "Senor, I hate to ask this of you, but I cannot help
myself; I've never seen such a fince specimen. May I hold it for a moment?"
Again, the man didn't want to upset the local, so he agreed.
The local then said, "Senor, your scrotum is so nice, do you mind if I hold
it for a moment and fondle it?"
The man felt that it was too late to refuse now, so he allowed the local to
hold his scrotum.
Then the local says, "And now Senor, your wallet please."
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A teacher was teaching the colors and their flavors using
lollipops. She distributed purple lollipops to her class
and asked, "What flavor is purple?"
The class responded, "Grape."
She continued this with yellow, green, orange and red.
The last lollipops distributed were a light yellow-brown
(honey flavored). The children were unable to identify
the flavor. Teacher suggested, as a clue to its name, "It's
what your mother calls your father when he leaves for work
in the morning."
Little Mary shouted, "Spit it out quick! It's a b*tthead!"
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Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject
turned to sex. "You know, John and I have been having some
sexual problems" Linda told her friend.
That's amazing!" Mary replied, "so have Tom and I." "We're
thinking of going to a sex therapist" said Linda.
Oh, we could never do that! We'd be too embarrassed!"
responded Mary. But after you go, will you please tell me
how it went?"
Several weeks passed and the two friends met for lunch
again. "So, how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?" Mary
asked. "Things couldn't be better!", Linda exclaimed.
"We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor
said he was certain
he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store
on the> way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen
donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the
grapes and donuts at each other. Every grape that went into
my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every
donut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex
life is wonderful, in fact it's better than it's ever been!"
With that endorsement, Mary talked her husband into an
appointment with the same sex therapist. After the
physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and
Tom into his office. "I'm afraid there is nothing I can
do for you," he said. But doctor," Mary complained, "you
did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a
suggestion for us! Please, please, can't you give us some
help? Any help at all?" "Well, OK," the doctor answered.
"On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store
and buy a sack of apples and a box of Cheerios......"
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A young blonde female stock broker was bored with driving her
BMW. It lacked individuality and besides that, every other
girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more
individual, perhaps an MG convertible.
That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful
Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she
fell in love with it's gorgeous red paint work. An empty check
stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes
enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was
flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could
possibly go wrong?
Then at that thought there was a splutter from the engine and
the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the
bonnet and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a
bloody clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her mobile phone
with her and a quick phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait
saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her.
"That's a lovely car," says the mechanic. "What seems to be the
matter?"
Well, it just conked out I'm afraid."
"Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the
engine was purring like a cat again.
"Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter ?"
"Simple really, just crap in the carburettor," he replied.
Looking shocked she asked, "Oh, OK. How many times a week do I
have to do that?"
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Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle
Corporation, dies and goes to Heaven. At the Gates,
an angel tells Davidson, "Well, you've been such a
good guy and your motorcycles have changed the world.
As a reward, you can hang out with anyone you want to
in Heaven."
Davidson thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out
with God, Himself."
The befeathered fellow at the Gates takes Arthur to the
throne room and introduces him to God. Arthur then asks
God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of Woman?"
God says, "Ah, yes."
"Well," says Davidson, "You have some major design flaws
in your invention:
1. There's too much front end protrusion
2. It chatters at high speeds
3. The rear end wobbles too much, and
4. The intake is placed too close to the exhaust."
"Hmmm..." replies God, "hold on."
God goes to the Celestial super computer, types in a few
keystrokes and waits for the result. The computer prints
out a slip of paper and God reads it.
"It may be that my invention is flawed," God replies to
Arthur Davidson "but according to my computer, more people
are riding my invention than yours." |
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| Izzy |
| quote: | Originally posted by jploveparade
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Technaut's mother catches him masturbating and warns him:
"Stu, you're gonna go blind if you keep touching yourself."
And the kid answers, "Well, can I just do it, then,
until I need glasses?"
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nice adaptation :p hehe |
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| webmeister |
| not to shabby :) |
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| dj_mdma |
| technaut does more technaughty stuff, hehe :stongue: |
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