| jploveparade |
There were these twin sisters just turning one hundred years old in a nursing home and the editor of the local newspaper, "The Distorter", told a photographer to get over there and take the pictures of these 100 year old twin bitteys. One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.
The photographer asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAID, WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.
"Now get a little closer together", said the cameraman. Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE!" So they wiggled up close to each other.
"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little", said the photographer. Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "HE SAYS HE'S JUST GONNA FOCUS!"
With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?"
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The owner of a small deli was being questioned by the IRS about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.
"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, the place is only closed three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?"
"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife."
"Oh, that," the owner said smiling. "I forgot to tell you - we also deliver."
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Johnny appeared as a witness in a lawsuit. The attorney asked, "Where were you on the night of July 10?"
"Your Honor, I object," yelled the counsel for the defense.
"That's all right, go ahead and ask me," said Johnny. The prosecutor repeated the question and again the defense objected.
"Hey. Why shouldn't he ask me?" said Johnny. "I'll answer."
The judge said, "If the witness insists on answering, there is no reason for the defense to object." So the attorney again repeated the question,
So the attorney again repeated the question, "Where were you on the night of July 10?"
Johnny said, "I don't know."
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The other day, while I was seeing my shrink, he asked me what I looked for in a woman.
Naturally I replied, "Big ."
He said, "No, I meant for a serious relationship."
So I said, "Oh, seriously big ."
"No, no, no. I mean what do you look for in the one woman you want to spend the rest of your life with?"
"Spend the rest of my life with one woman? No woman's are that big."
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Did you know. . . .
The reindeer immediately behind Rudolph was called "Fred the Brown Nosed Reindeer." The thing was: Rudolph had very good brakes - and Fred didn't.
Work it out. |
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