| jploveparade |
Clinton died and went to heaven, or to be more accurate, he approached the Pearly Gates. After knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared. "Who goes there?", inquired St. Peter.
"It's me, you know Bill Clinton."
"And what do you want?", asked St. Peter.
"Lemme in!", replied Clinton.
"Soooo," pondered Peter, "What bad things did you do on earth?"
Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked a little Marijuana, but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. I guess I had a little extra-martial sex, but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't really have 'sexual relations'.
And I guess I lied a little bit, but I didn't commit perjury."
After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal.
We'll send you someplace where it's very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.'
You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.'
And don't abandon all hope, upon entering just don't hold your breath for it to freeze over"!
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A man was just coming out of anaesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and his wife was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful."
Flattered, the wife continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep. Later, her husband woke up and said, "You're cute."
"What happened to 'beautiful?'" she asked him.
"The drugs are wearing off," he replied.
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The phone rang at the motor pool and an authoritative voice demanded to know how many vehicles were operational. Paddy answered, "We've got twelve trucks, ten utilities, three staff cars and that Bentley the fat-arsed colonel swanks around in."
There was a stoney silence for a second or two.
"Do you know who you are speaking to?"
"No," said Paddy.
"It is the so-called fat-arsed colonel you so insubordinately referred to."
"Well, do you know who you are talking to?"
"No," roared the colonel.
"Well thank Christ for that," said Paddy slamming the phone down.
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A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying a good game
of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. "Oh, no! I
have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going
to really ticked if it's not ready on time!" she exclaimed
suddenly.
When she got home, she realized that she didn't have
enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she had in
the cupboard was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can
of cat food. In a panic, she opened the can of cat food,
stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf
just as her husband pulled up.
She greeted her husband and then watched in horror as
he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband
really enjoyed his dinner. "Darling, this is the best dinner
you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can
make this for me any old day."
Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the
woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge
cronies about it and they were all horrified.
"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.
Two months later, her husband died.
The women were sitting around the table playing bridge
when one of the cronies said, "You killed him! We told
you that feeding him that cat food every week would do
him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge
knowing you murdered your husband?"
The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell
off the mantel while he was cleaning himself."
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Two drunks are walking along. One drunk says to the
other, "What a beautiful night, look at the moon."
The other drunk stops and look at his drunk friend,
"You are wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun."
Both started arguing for a while when they come upon
another drunk walking so they stopped him. "Sir, could
you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that
thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or
the sun?" The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked
at them and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here."
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Michael was feeling ill at work, and left after lunch to
go home. He walked into the house and found his wife Sandra
in the arms of another man.
He started to yell at the interloper, "What right have
you got to be making love to my wife?"
The man answered calmly, "You may as well know that
I am in love with Sandra and I would like to marry her.
I understand you're a gambler. Why don't you be a good
sport and sit down and play a game of gin rummy with me?
If I lose, I'll never see her again; if you lose, you must
agree to divorce her.... Okay?"
"Okay," replied Michael, "but just to make it a little
more interesting, why don't we play for a dollar a point?"
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A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her
on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then
skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The
next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by
losing nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow
my instructions?"
The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought
I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
"No, from skipping."
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Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted,
"I am Napoleon!"
Another one said, "How do you know?"
The first inmate said, "God told me!"
Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did
not!"
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Miss Figpot, the fourth-grade teacher had
to leave the room for a few minutes. When
she returned, she found the children in
perfect order. Everybody was sitting
absolutely quiet.
She was shocked and stunned and said, "I've
never seen anything like it before. This
is wonderful. But, please tell me, what
came over all of you? Why are you so
well-behaved and quiet?"
Finally, after much urging, little Johnny
said, "Well, one time you said that if you
ever came back and found us quiet, you would
drop dead!" |
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