| jploveparade |
The Priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out the back of the parish manse. He had a rooster and about ten hens. One Saturday night the rooster went missing and as that was the time he suspected fights occurred in the village he decided to do something about it at church the next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up.
"No, no", he said. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" All the women stood up.
"No, no", he said. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a that doesn't belong to them?" Half the women stood up.
"No, no", he said. "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?" All the nuns stood up, and half the alter boys.
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Porky was eighteen years old, friendly, and eager to do
things right. Unfortunately, he wasn't especially bright.
He had just started his first job, as a delivery boy and
general 'go-fer' at a furniture warehouse. His first task
was to go out for coffee. He walked into a nearby coffee
shop carrying a large thermos. When the counterman finally
noticed him, he held up the thermos.
"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" he
said.
The counterman looked at the thermos, hesitated for
a few seconds, then finally said, "Yeah. It looks like
about six cups to me."
"Good," Porky said. "Give me two regular, two black,
and two decaf."
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A man was in bad shape. He constantly gasped for breath
and his eyes bulged. The doctors didn't give him long to
live. He decided to live it up.
Withdrawing all of his money from the bank, he went
on a shopping spree. His last stop was at the most expensive
haberdashery in the city. He pointed out a dozen silk shirts.
He wore a size fourteen. The clerk said, "Your neck looks
bigger than fourteen. You need a sixteen."
The man said, "I know my size. I want them in a fourteen."
The clerk said, "I'll get them for you, but I want to
warn you...if you wear a fourteen you'll gasp all day and
your eyes will bulge."
A man stops by a diner at noon, the busiest time of day, sits down at the counter and asks for a cup of coffee. The waitress, who is very busy, gives him his coffee and rushes off to help the numerous customers having lunch at the diner. The man, who uses both creamer and sugar in his coffee, notices that the container is empty. As the waitress rushes by, he asks her to bring him cream and sugar for his coffee.
The waitress, busier than she can ever remember being before, rushes to the back to pick up more orders. As she passes the cabinet where the extra sugar and cream are kept, she sets a plate down and puts sugar cubes and creamer packets in her bosom because both her hands are full.
After she has served the two plates she was holding, she returns to the man and asks him, "How many sugar cubes did you want in your coffee?"
The man says, "Two's fine."
She reaches into her bra, pulls out two sugar cubes and drops them into his cup. "And cream?" she asks.
The man looks at her, squarely in the eye and says, "You wouldn't dare!?!"
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A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten birds on them with a sack over each bird and only the legs showing. He sat right on the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible.
The professor announced that the test would be to look at each of the birds' legs and give the common name, habitat, genus, species, etc. The student looked at each of the birds' legs. They all looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all night studying and now had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it the madder he got.
Finally, he could stand it no longer.
He went up to the professor's desk and said, "What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looking at their legs?"
With that the student threw his test on the professor's desk and walked to the door. The professor was surprised. The class was so big that he didn't know every student's name, so as the student reached the door the professor called, "Mister, what's your name!"
The enraged student pulled up his pants legs and said, "You guess, buddy! You guess!"
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A man was in bad shape. He constantly gasped for breath
and his eyes bulged. The doctors didn't give him long to
live. He decided to live it up.
Withdrawing all of his money from the bank, he went
on a shopping spree. His last stop was at the most expensive
haberdashery in the city. He pointed out a dozen silk shirts.
He wore a size fourteen. The clerk said, "Your neck looks
bigger than fourteen. You need a sixteen."
The man said, "I know my size. I want them in a fourteen."
The clerk said, "I'll get them for you, but I want to
warn you...if you wear a fourteen you'll gasp all day and
your eyes will bulge."
--------------------------
Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off
a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son
in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and
tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their
plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the
parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A
few moments passed.
"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike, and the Coopers are having sex."
Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?"
the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his
son replied.
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Little Johnnie and Susie are only 10 years old, but they just
know they are in love.
One day they decided that they want to get married, so Johnnie
decided to approach Susie's father to ask him for her hand.
Johnnie bravely walked up to him and said, "Mr. Smith, me and
Susie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in
marriage."
Thinking that this was the cutest thing ever, Mr. Smith replied,
"Well Johnnie, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnnie replied,
"In Susie's room, of course. It's bigger than mine and we can
both fit our stuff in there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith said with a huge
grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get
a job. You'll need to support Susie."
Again, Johnnie instantly replied, "Our allowance - Susie makes 5
bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a
month, and that should do us just fine."
By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnnie had put
so much thought into his proposal. So, Mr. Smith thought for a
moment, as he tried to come up with something that Johnnie
wouldn't know how to answer.
After another moment, Mr. Smith said, "Well Johnnie, it seems
like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one
more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should
have little ones of your own?"
Johnnie just shrugged his shoulders and said, "Well, we've been
lucky so far..." |
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