| jploveparade |
A young lady had just visited her doctor and he informed her that she was pregnant. The young lady had been married for ten years and had wanted a baby very badly. As she sat on the bus, on her way home, she felt that she had to share the good news with someone. The gentleman sitting next to her seemed as good as anyone to share the good news with.
Sir, she said, I just received the best news you could ever imagine. I have to share it with someone or I'll bust. She told him the news that the doctor had told her about being pregnant.
The man shared her enthusiasm as he shared his experience. He said he was a farmer and he had trouble with his hens laying eggs. He stated that he went out to the hen house one morning and all of his hens had laid eggs. He was so happy. he added, "but confidentially, I changed cocks."
The newly pregnant woman responded, "Confidentially, me too."
-----------------
Visiting a lawyer for advice, Lisa said, "I want you to help me obtain a divorce. My husband Richard is getting a little queer to sleep with."
"What do you mean?" asked the attorney. "Does he force you to indulge in unusual sex practices?"
"No, he doesn't," replied Lisa, "and neither does the little queer."
----------------
Two Irishmen are setting in a small town bar, where Mike bragged to Sean, "You know, I had me every woman in this town, except of course, me mother and me sister."
"Well," Sean replied, "between you and me, we got 'em all."
-----------------
There was a cop who just pulled over a hot blonde with huge and was driving a Ferrari. And the cop was talking to the blonde about her speeding.
Then he walked back to his car to get the ticket writing stuff and when he got back into his car he said to his partner, "Man that is one hot bitch that we pulled over!"
And the second cop asked, "Is she blonde?"
And the first cop said, "Yes."
And the second cop asked, "Does she have huge ?"
And the first cop said, "Yes" Then the second cop said, "Does she drive a Ferrari?"
And the first cop said, "Yes."
Then the second cop said, "Then go over there, take your pants off, and see what happens."
So the first cop went over to the blonde and toke his pants off.
Then the blonde said, "Oh man, not another breathalizer test!"
--------------------
This farmer would go out on his tractor and while he was working the fields and bouncing around for awhile he would get horny but it was a long ways back on his tractor to the house where his wife was.
So he came up with this plan.He told his wife he would take his rifle with him and next time he got horny he would fire a shot and she could drive the pickup truck out to where he was.
So thats what they did and it worked quite well.
One day a neighbor was over having coffee.
"I haven't seen your wife around for quite a while," he said.
"Me neither" said the farmer,"Not since hunting season started!"
------------------
A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart. Conditions were perfect. 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over, "tell me when we're having fun" kind of day.
One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away.
If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help matters. So, with time running out, the woman weighed her options.
Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all-white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one would even notice, he assured her. The white will provide more than adequate camouflage. So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and wrong way to set up your skis so you don't move. Yup, you got it. She had them positioned the wrong way.
Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments. Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out-of-control, racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them, and into another slope. Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while.
She continued on backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers. The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under the lift and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, put an end to her nudie show, then went to the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to a hospital.
In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers.
"So. How'd you break your leg?" she asked, making small talk.
"It was the darndest thing you ever saw," he said. "I was riding up this ski lift, and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing backward out-of-control down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out of her clothes and pants down around her knees."
"I leaned over to get a better look and I guess I didn't realize how far I'd moved. I fell out of the lift."
"So, how'd you break your arm?" |
|
|
