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Jokes part 115
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| jploveparade |
Grandpa was showing Little Johnny around the farm. When they came to the corral, he explained, "That's a bull and a cow, and he's serving her."
A little later on, he said, "That's a stud and a mare, and he's serving her, too."
That night at supper, after everyone was seated and grace was said, Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Will you please serve the turkey?"
Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "If he does I'm eating a hamburger!
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A woman's small dog had a very severe problem with excessive ear hair. In her efforts to help her pooch the woman tried clipping the hair...really irritating the dog. So she tried pulling the hair out...drove the little fellow crazy! Finally she gave up an took the dog to her vet. After examining the dog's ears the vet diagnosed a significant problem that only a high-potency depilatory could solve. After presenting the prescription to the pharmacist to be filled she was handed the bottle with counselling on its use.
The druggfist said "Ma'm, if you're going to use this on your legs... you probably shouldn't wear stockings for 3 or 4 days" to which the woman replied indignantly "I'm not using it on my legs!" So the pharmicist says "well, if you're using it on your face you shouldn't use makeup for 5 days or so."
The woman began to storm out of the store, stopped at the door, fuming, and said "I'm not using it on my face! If you must know... I'm using it on my Schnauzer!"
"Well, in that case," the druggist says "don't ride a bicycle for about a week..."
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There were three women who always hang their laundry out in the backyard.When it rains, of course, the laundry always gets wet - all the laundry,except for the redhead's.
The other two women wonder why the redhead never has her laundry out on the days that it rains.So one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes on the line when one of the women says to the redhead, "How come when it rains, your laundry is never out?"Well," says the redhead, "when I wake up in the morning, I look over at my husband. If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it's going to be a great day and I can hang out the wash. If his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know it's going to rain, so I don't hang out the wash."
What if it is pointed up?" asks one of the women.
Honey," says the redhead, "on a day like that, you don't do the laundry!"
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Traveling salesman stops at a hillbilly farmhouse to sell some wares. While he's there a fierce storm comes up, and the farmer invites him to spend the night. However, as there wasn't a spare bedroom, the salesman would have to sleep in the same room as the farmer's daughter--on the condition that if any hanky-panky went on and the daughter got pregnant, the salesman would have to marry her.
The salesman eyes the daughter, who has the body of a goddess but the head of a javelina, and figures out that he's being set up for a shotgun wedding. But he didn't want to brave the night's storm, so he agreed to the farmer's terms.
The next morning, the family is sitting around the breakfast table.
The father asks the daughter,"Did he do it last night, girl?" "Sure did, Pa."
"Excellent!" says the father. "If it's a boy, we'll call him John."
"And if it's a girl," says the mother, "we'll call her Martha."
About that time the salesman came into the room holding a condom and grinning.
"Well," he says, "if the little bastard gets out of this, we'll call him Houdini."
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A guy who golfed every Saturday morning much to his wife's disapproval lost his golf shoes on this Saturday morning. He looked everywhere in the garage and decided that his wife must have hid his shoes, to at least delay his round.
He went to their bedroom to look for his shoes, when he looked under the bed---What a supprise a new golf shoe box. He thought what a wonderful wife to buy him new shoes.
He opened the box and found six golf balls and a great deal of money.
He sat down on the bed to count the money and was just finishing when his wife came in the room.
"Can you explain this money and golf balls", he said.
She replied, "Yes, we've been married 25 years and every time you failed to satisfy me sexually, I put a golf ball in the box.
The guy was really happy and proud of himself, only six times in 25 years! Well what about this 33 thousand dollars, he asked.
"Well, everytime I had a dozen golf balls in the box, I sold them."
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The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words, she thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more that one syllable.
Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words? After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday. Great Jane that has two syllables, Mon......day Does anyone know another word.
I do, I do, me me me replied Johnny. Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead.
Ok Mike, what is your word. Saturday. says, Mike.
Great, that has three syllables. Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says " I know a four syllable word, pick me....."
Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says, "O.K. Johnny what is your four syllable word?"
Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion."
Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, "Wow, Johnny, four syllables, that certainly is a mouthful"
No Maam, your thinking of blow job, and that's only two syllables. |
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| Eugene |
LOL
these ones are sillier, but still hella funny ;) |
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| dj_mdma |
| hehe, Little Johnny rules! :D:D:D |
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