| jploveparade |
Albert walks in to his doctor's office for his yearly physical exam as he has done the same time every year that the can remember. The doctor takes him through all of the motions, does the normal tests and then leaves to get the results. After about 15 minutes the doctor returns with a very sad look on his face.
"Well Doc, what kind of shape am I in this time?" Albert asks.
"Albert, I don't know what to say. The news is bad. Really bad." says the doctor.
"What is it Doc?" asks Albert.
"I hate to have to give you such bad news. I can't find the words to tell you. I really don't know what to say."
Albert, being a strong man who appreciates straight talk, tells the doctor: "Ok, don't beat around the bush. Tell me what you know. I can take it".
"Well," says the doctor, "Let me put it this way. I think that you should go to Arkansas and visit the hot springs there for a nice relaxing mud bath. Spend some time soaking in the mud."
"Oh, so I need to relax a little bit, eh? Will that cure me Doc?" asks Albert.
"No Albert, it won't cure you. And it won't help you relax. But it will help you get used to being covered in dirt."
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fellow walks into his doctor's office, complaining that he thinks he might have a tapeworm. The doctor makes a physical examination and listens to the symptoms, and concurs with the self-diagnosis.
"I want you to come back tomorrow, to start treatment. Bring a banana and a cookie with you," said the doctor.
Despite the seemingly odd request, our hero complies, and returns the next day with a banana and a cookie. The doctor says, "Okay, now drop your pants and bend over. This is going to hurt a bit."
Although leery about the turn of events, the patient drops his pants and bends over. The doctor peels the banana and with one deft motion rams it up the guy's butt. While the doctor consults his watch, our hero dances around the room shouting at the doctor.
"Okay, one minute is up, and we have to complete the second part of the treatment if your truly want to get rid of this tapeworm," advises the doc.
Despite the pain, the patient does want to be cured, so complies with the order to bend over again. Again, the doctor takes the cookie and rams it up the patients butt.
"Okay, tomorrow I want to see you here at the same time, and bring another banana and a cookie," says the doctor.
The now humbled patient, with tears of pain in his eyes, nods his head.
Next day, the same routine ensues. First the doctor rams up a banana, waits exactly one minute, then rams up a cookie. And the next day, and the next day and the next!! Every day UP goes a banana, wait one minute, then UP goes a cookie.
After one full week of treatments, the doctor finally says, "Well, tomorrow is the LAST day of treatments. I want you to bring in a banana and a hammer."
"Not a cookie?" asks the very frightened patient, trying to imagine what a hammer was going to feel like.
"Nope, a hammer," confirmed the doctor.
The last day the doctor says, "Okay, you know the routine".
So the man drops his pants and bends over. UP goes the banana, and the doctor looks at his watch and picks up the hammer. One minute passes. Then two minutes. Three. Four minutes pass.
Then a little head pokes out of the patients ass yelling, "WHERE'S MY COOKIE!?!"
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There was a man who woke up one morning with a red ring around his member. Astonished, he panicked and hurried to the emergency room.
The doctor looked at it and gave the man some lotion to rub on it twice a day and if there were no results to come back the next day.
This went on for three days, when a new nurse happened to be in the same ER. She asked if she could suggest something. The doctor at his wit's end because he wasn't able to cure the problem, agreed to let the nurse try her hand.
The nurse gave the man a smelly lotion and said to rub it very gently on his member before he went to bed. The man went home and followed her instructions.
The very next day came back happy as a lark! He found the nurse and doctor and thanked them for all their help.
As the man left, the doctor turned to the nurse and asked, "What was that miracle lotion?"
The nurse smiled and replied, "Lip stick remover."
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Two guys both have 9:00 a.m. appointments at a vasectomy clinic. So, a nurse greets them and tells them she has to prep them for surgery and takes them to a private room.
She tells the first guy to take off his clothes and sit on an exam table, which he does. She then takes his manhood in one hand, and begins to masturbate him. "Whoa!" he says, "What's going on?"
She replies that it is all standard procedure, and that she has to ensure that he has no blockages. The guy thinks, "How bad can it be?"
So he agrees and allows the nurse to finish her task.
Once done, the nurse tells him to go sit down, and repeats the instructions to the second guy. When he is up on the exam table, the nurse gets a big smile on her face, licks her lips, and begins to perform a blow job on him.
Upon seeing this, the first guy says, "Hey, what's this? I get jerked off, and he gets a blow job. That's not fair."
The nurse looks up at the first guy and says, "Sorry, buddy. That's the difference between Blue Cross and HMO!" |
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