|
Jokes part 119
|
View this Thread in Original format
| jploveparade |
Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says, "Doc, I'm getting married this weekend and my fiance thinks I'm a virgin. Is there anything you can do to help me?"
The doctor says, "Medically, no, but here's something you can try. On the wedding night, when you're getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh. When your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it's your virginity snapping."
The woman loves this idea and knows her hubby to be will fall for this. They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man. Things begin to progress, her hubby "slips it in" and she snaps the elastic band.
The hubby asks, "What the heck was that?
The wife explains, "Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping."
The husband cries out, "Well snap it again, it's got my balls!"
------------------
Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there. St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into heaven, I have to ask you something. Your answer will depend on what kind of car you get. You have to have a car in heaven because heaven is so big!"
The first guy walks up and Peter asks the first guy, "How long were you married?"
The first guy says, "Twenty-four years."
"Did you ever cheat on your wife?" Peter asks.
The guy says, "Yeah, seven times, but you said I was forgiven."
Peter says, "Yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto to drive."
The second guy walks up and gets the same question from Peter. The second guy says, "I was married for forty-one years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked it out well."
Peter says, "I'm pleased to hear that, here's a Lincoln."
The third guy walks up and says, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for sixty-three years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"
Peter says, "That's what I like to hear. Here's you Jaguar!"
A little while later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto see the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk so they go see what was the matter. When they ask the guy with the Jaguar what is wrong, he says, "I've just seen my wife and she was on a skateboard!"
---------------------
In a village lived a man, woman and his daughter.
It was time for them to go to market and sell their old bullocks, the whole year's produce, and to buy groceries and things for themselves, but there's a jungle on the way to the market.
The mother decides to stay back, so the man and his daughter go to market to sell all their stuffs, and in exchange buy all the groceries they can and head back to the village on their bullock cart. As they are passing the jungle, a gang of thugs ruthlessly attack them and strip them of everything, even the clothes covering them are not spared.
Father is brooding over the loss that struck them, when the daughter comes closer to her father, inserts her hand into her and pulls out a wad of neatly rolled bills and tells him, "Dad, over here dad, See what I saved."
Expecting to see a smile on his face, she finds her dad brooding louder then ever. Curious she asks, "What's wrong Dad?" Dad replies, "If only your Mom was here dear, we could have saved that sack of rice as well."
-------------------
Stanley, the sperm, was always exercising. He wanted to be in top physical condition. One of the other sperm asks, "Stanley, why do you always work-out instead of lounging around like the rest of us?"
Stanley replied, "Well, there is only one sperm that impregnates a woman. I am going to be that sperm."
A few days later, things started heating up and all the sperm were ready to go. When the time was right, Stanley was out-distancing all the other sperms by a great distance.
Suddenly, Stanley started swimming back toward the other sperm, screaming wildly, "Go back, go back it's a blowjob!"
-------------------
This fellow named Sam has been riding Harleys for 25 years and is finally sick of fixing 'em. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont - as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, Sam is finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there's a big, bearded Vermonter standing there.
"Name's Enoch...your neighbor from four miles over the ridge...havin' a party Saturday...thought you'd like to come."
"Great," Sam says, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Enoch is leaving he stops. "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem...after 25 years of Harley riding, I can do that with the best of them."
Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
"Damn!" Sam thinks, "tough crowd...sounds like the Redwood Run." "Well," he says, "I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties too."
"Now that is not a problem," says Sam, "remember, I've been alone for six months. I'll definitely be there! By the way...what should I wear to the party?"
Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want...it's just gonna be the two of us."
-------------------
A fellow is standing in a bar and another guy walks up to him and says, "Are you Joe Smith?"
The fellow says, "Yes, I'm Joe Smith."
He says, "Were you in Chicago in early June?"
The fellow takes out a little notebook and rifles through the pages, and says, "Yeah, I was in Chicago in early June."
"Did you stay at the Hyatt?"
The guy looks through his notebook again and says, "Yes, I stayed at the Hyatt."
"Were you in room 1368?"
The fellow checks his notebook and says, "Yes, I was in room 1368."
The guy says, "Did you know a Mrs. Wentworth who stayed in room 1369?"
The guy looks in his book again and says, "Yes, I knew Mrs. Wentworth who stayed in 1369."
The guy says, "Tell me, did you have an affair with Mrs. Wentworth?"
The fellow scans his notebook and says, "Yes, I had an affair with Mrs. Wentworth."
The guy says, "Well, I'm Mr. Wentworth and I don't like it!"
Again the fellow looks in his notebook and says, "You know, you're right. I didn't like it either."
--------------------
An 18-year-old girl goes to see her mom and tells her that she has missed her period for two months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you?
I want to know!!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later a brand new Ferrari stops at their house, a mature and distinguished man, with grey hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them:
"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.
However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge.
If a girl is born I will bequeath her 3 stores, 2 townhouses, a beach villa and a $1,000, 000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories, and a $1,000,000 bank account.
If it is twins, a factory and $500,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage..."
At this point, the father, who had remained silent all the time, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him:
"You'll her again!!!" |
|
|
| kewlness |
| quote: | Originally posted by jploveparade
This fellow named Sam has been riding Harleys for 25 years and is finally sick of fixing 'em. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont - as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, Sam is finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there's a big, bearded Vermonter standing there.
"Name's Enoch...your neighbor from four miles over the ridge...havin' a party Saturday...thought you'd like to come."
"Great," Sam says, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Enoch is leaving he stops. "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem...after 25 years of Harley riding, I can do that with the best of them."
Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
"Damn!" Sam thinks, "tough crowd...sounds like the Redwood Run." "Well," he says, "I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties too."
"Now that is not a problem," says Sam, "remember, I've been alone for six months. I'll definitely be there! By the way...what should I wear to the party?"
Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want...it's just gonna be the two of us."
|
lol good one jp.. quality |
|
|
| dj_mdma |
| quote: | Originally posted by jploveparade
An 18-year-old girl goes to see her mom and tells her that she has missed her period for two months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you?
I want to know!!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later a brand new Ferrari stops at their house, a mature and distinguished man, with grey hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them:
"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.
However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge.
If a girl is born I will bequeath her 3 stores, 2 townhouses, a beach villa and a $1,000, 000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories, and a $1,000,000 bank account.
If it is twins, a factory and $500,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage..."
At this point, the father, who had remained silent all the time, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him:
"You'll her again!!!" |
:haha: :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha: :haha: |
|
|
|
|
