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Jokes part 120
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| jploveparade |
In a town filled with crime, a young married
couple were worried after 3 of their neighbours
had been burgled. They decided they should get
a guard dog.
The wife went to the local pet store and asked
the assistant, "Do you have any guard dogs?"
The sales assistant replied, "Sorry Mam, we're
all sold out. All we have left is a Scottie Dog...but
he does know Karate."
The wife didn't believe him, so the clerk says
to the dog: "Karate the chair." The wee dog then
goes up to the chair and wack, he brakes it into
tiny pieces. Then he said to the dog: "Karate
that table." The dog went up to the table and
crunch, he breaks it in half.
So the wife bought the dog and took it home
to her husband who was expecting a big guard
dog. He was of course very disappointed and skeptical
about this little Dog's abilities as a guard
dog.
When she informed him that the dog knew Karate,
he laughed and said: "Karate my ass!"
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During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached
the pastor with an unusual offer.
"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change
the wedding vows. When you get to me and the
part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and
obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful
to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just
leave that part out." He passed the minister
a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride
and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony
where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time
for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young
man in the eye and says, "Will you promise to
prostrate yourself before her, obey her every
command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed
every morning of your life and swear eternally
before God and your lovely wife that you will
not ever even look at another woman, as long
as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said
in a tiny voice, "I do."
The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed,
"I thought we had a deal."
The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand
and whispered back, "She made me a much better
offer."
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A woman walks into her sex thearapist's office
and tells her that her husband is not a very
good lover, and the rarely have sex anymore,
and asks what to do about it?
The therapist tells her that she has a new
drug called Viagra that might do the trick. She
tells the woman to give him one pill that night,
and come back in the morning to tell her what
happens
The next day the woman walks in ecstatic telling
the therapist the viagra worked, and she and
her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her
therapist what would happen if she gave her husband
two pills? The therapist replies she dosn't know
but says to go ahead and try it.
The next day, the same thing happens, the woman
comes in telling the therapist tha the sex was
even better than the night before. She asks the
therapist what whould happen if she gave him
five pills? The therapist once again tells her
to give it a try.
The following day the woman comes back in LIMP
BUT HAPPY, tells the therapist the sex just keeps
getting better and better. She asks what would
happen if she gave him the rest of the bottle?
The therapists tells her its a new drug and she
doesn't know what a full bottle would do to a
person. The woman leaves the office and puts
the rest of the pills in her husbands morning
coffee.
A week later a boy walks into the therapists
office and asks: are you the "idiot" who gave
my MOTHER a bottle of Viagra? Why yes young man
I did, Why?
Well mom's dead My sister's Pregnant, My
A-- Hurts And Dad just sits in the corner going,
"Here Kitty, Kitty, Kitty..."
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man died and was taken to his place of eternal
torment by the devil. As he passed sulfurous
pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized
as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.
"That's unfair!" he cried. "I have to roast
for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend
it with a beautiful woman."
"Shut up!" barked the devil, jabbing him with
his pitchfork. "Who are you to question that
woman's punishment?"
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A doctor of psychology was doing his normal
morning rounds when he entered a patient's room.
He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending
to saw a piece of wood in half. Patient #2 was
hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.
The doctor asked Patient #1 what he was doing.
The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing
this piece of wood in half?"
The doctor inquired what Patient #2 was doing.
Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but
he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb."
The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's
face is going all red. The doctor asks Patient
#1, "If he's your friend, you should get him
down from there before he hurts himself."
Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the
dark?"
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Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of
the
men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went
to last month?"
"Outstanding," Fred replied.
"They taught us all the latest psychological techniques:
visualization, association.
It was great."
"Wow! What was the name of the clinic?"
Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a
smile
broke across his face and he asked,
"What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife, "Rose, what was the name of
that memory clinic?"
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"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant,
"you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a
strange man."
"That's correct," says the defendant.
"Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you take out a pistol and
shoot your wife, killing her."
"That's correct," says the defendant.
"Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her
lover?"
asked the prosecutor.
"It seemed easier," replied the defendant, "than shooting a different
man every day!"
---------------------
There was this farmer, sitting on the front porch of his house this
one hot summer day, when this kid comes walking down the road carrying
this big bundle of wire.
'Hey kid!' the farmer says. 'Where ya goin' with that wire?'
'Well,' the kid drawls, 'this here ain't just any ol' wire, this
here's chicken wire -- I'm fixin' to catch me some chickens!'
'You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!'
'Sure I can!' he yells and takes off down the road. He comes back at
the end of the day and sure enough, he's got a whole mess of chickens
caught in this chicken wire.
Well, the farmer's sitting on his porch the next day, and the same kid
comes walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape. 'Hey kid!'
the farmer yells. 'Where ya goin' with that tape?'
'Well, this here ain't just any ol' tape, this here's duck tape -- I'm
fixin' to catch me some ducks!'
'You can't catch ducks with duct tape!'
'Sure I can!' the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back
at the end of the day and again, the farmer can't believe his eyes.
The kid had a whole bunch of ducks all wrapped up tightly in his tape.
The next day the farmer's sitting on his porch again, and the kid
comes walking down the road carrying a stick.
'Hey kid!' the farmer says. 'Where ya goin' with them flowers?'
'Well, this here ain't just any old flowers, this here's
willow.'
'Hang on,' the farmer says, 'I'll get my hat.' |
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| dj_mdma |
| lol, more g�d morning reading material! :D |
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