| jploveparade |
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit
the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a
few years, they are in financial trouble. In
order to keep the bank from repossessing the
ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they
can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then
takes their last $600 dollars out west to another
ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale.
Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I
get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll
contact you to drive out after me and haul it
home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects
the bull, and decides she does want to buy it.
The man tells her that he can sell it for $599,
no less. After paying him, she drives to the
nearest town to send her sister a telegram to
tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says,
"I want to send a telegram to my sister telling
her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I
need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck
and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll
be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99
cents a word."
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette
only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only
be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods,
and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'"
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How
is she ever going to know that you want her to
hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive
out here to haul that bull back to your ranch
if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde."
"She'll read it very slow."
:D :D :D
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Young man Murphy applied for an engineering
position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An
American applied for the same job and both applicants
having the same qualifications were asked to
take a test by the department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men only
missed one of the questions. The manager went
to Murphy and said, "Thank you for your interest,
but we've decided to give the American the job."
Murphy asked, "And why would you be doing that?
We both got nine questions correct. This being
Ireland, and me being Irish I should get the
job!"
The manager said, "We have made our decision
not on the correct answers, but rather on the
question that you missed."
Murphy then asked, "And just how would one
incorrect answer be better than the other?"
The manager replied, "Simple, the American
put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You
put down, 'Neither do I'."
--------------
An elderly husband and wife noticed that they
were beginning to forget many little things around
the house. They were afraid that this could be
dangerous, as one of them may accidentally forget
to turn off the stove and thus cause a fire.
So, they decided to go see their doctor to get
some help. Their physician told them that many
people their age find it useful to write themselves
little notes as reminders. The elderly couple
thought this sounded wonderful, and left the
doctor's office very pleased with the advice.
When they got home, the wife said, "Honey,
will you please go to the kitchen and get me
a dish of ice cream? And why don't you write
that down so you won't forget?"
"Nonsense," said the husband, "I can remember
a dish of ice cream!"
"Well," said the wife, "I'd also like some
strawberries on it. You better write that down,
because I know you'll forget."
"Don't be silly," replied the husband. "A dish
of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember
that!"
"OK, dear, but I'd like you to put some whipped
cream on top. Now you'd really better write it
down now. You'll forget," said the wife.
"Come now, my memory's not all that bad," said
the husband. "No problem, a dish of ice cream
with strawberries and whipped cream."
With that, the husband shut the kitchen door
behind him. The wife could hear him getting out
pots and pans, and making some noise inconsistent
with his preparing a dish of ice cream, strawberries,
and whipped cream. He emerged from the kitchen
about 15 minutes later.
Walking over to his wife, he presented her
with a plate of bacon and eggs. The wife took
one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband
and said, "Hey, where's the toast?"
---------------------
A red head goes for a drive in the country
and she has to stop as there is a farmer who
is moving his sheep from one pasture to another
across the road. She rolls down the window and
says to the farmer, "If I can tell you the exact
number of sheep that you have, can I keep one?"
The farmer figuring that a city girl would
never be able to agreed.
The red head guesses the number and is 100%
correct. I mean not off by one sheep.
The farmer is an honest man and tells her that
she did guess the right number.
She gets out of her car, selects her animal
and puts it in the car. Just before she drives
away, the farmer asked her a question. "If I
can tell you the real color of your hair can
I have my dog back?
--------------
Three engineers were in the bathroom standing
at the urinals. The first engineer finished and
walked over to the sink to wash his hands. He
then proceeded to dry his hands very carefully.
He used paper towel after paper towel and ensured
that every single spot of water on his hands
was dried. Turning to the other two engineers,
he said, "At Hewlett Packard, we are trained
to be extremely thorough."
The second engineer finished his task at the
urinal and he proceeded to wash his hands. He
used a single paper towel and made sure that
he dried his hands using every available portion
of the paper towel. He turned and said, "At Lockheed-Martin,
not only are we trained to be extremely thorough,
but we are also trained to be extremely efficient."
The third engineer finished and walked straight
for the door, shouting over his shoulder, "At
Apple Computer, Inc. we don't pee on our hands."
-----------------
Larry goes to see his travel agent.
"Hey Larry, going away on holiday again?" "Yes,
but I need to ask for something different."
"Go ahead ask me." "You know last year you
suggested Hawaii and when I returned my wife
was pregnant."
"Yes, but. . ." "And the year before you suggested
Bermuda and when I returned my wife was pregnant."
"Yes, but. . ." "And the year before that I went
to Bali and when I returned my wife was pregnant."
"Yes." "Well! Could you suggest something cheaper
this year so that I can bring her with me?"
-----------------
A fellow went to the doctor who told him that
he had a bad illness and only a year to live.
So he decided to talk to his pastor. After
the man explained his situation, he asked his
pastor if there was anything he could do.
"What you should do is go out and buy a late
'70's or early '80's model Dodge Pickup," said
the pastor. "Then go get married to the ugliest
woman you can find, and buy yourselves an old
trailer house in the panhandle of Oklahoma."
The fellow asked, "Will this help me live
longer?"
"No," said the pastor, "but it will make what
time you do have seem like forever." |
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