| jploveparade |
There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful blonde
teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they
always wanted. After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and, sure
enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father
rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified
to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that
there was no way he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two
beautiful daughters I fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and asked,
"Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said,
"Not this time."
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Little Johnny and his father came across his puppy, dead in the back yard.
Daddy explained that Buddy had gone to heaven. "So why are his legs sticking
up in the air like that, Daddy?" asked Little Johnny, as he fought back
tears. At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Buddy's legs are
pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to take
him by the leg and lift him up to heaven."Little Johnny seemed to take
Buddy's death quite well. However, two days later when his father came home
from work, Little Johnny had tears in his eyes as he said, "Mommy almost
died this morning." Fearing something terrible had happened, his father
questioned, "What do you mean Johnny? Tell Daddy!" "Well", mumbled Little
Johnny, "Soon after you left for work this morning I saw Mommy lying on the
floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, 'Oh Jesus! I'm coming,
I'm coming!' And, if it hadn't been for the neighbor who was holding her
down, she would have gone to Heaven just like Buddy did."
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There were two elderly people who lived in a nursing home, and usually spent
their afternoons together watching television. They would often lie in bed
and she would hold his pecker, although she wouldn't do anything more with
it.One day, she's walking down the hall and she passes the room of another
female resident. To her surprise, she sees her boyfriend lying on the bed
and another woman is holding his pecker. She storms into the room and
shouts, "I thought we had something going for us! Is she better looking than
me? Is she younger? What does she have that I don't?" The old man looks up
and remarks with a grin, "Parkinsons."
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A murderer, imprisoned for life, broke free after 15 years and was on the
run. He broke into a house and tied up the young couple he found in the
bedroom; the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife to the bed.
The helpless husband watched him get on the bed, straddle his wife and start
to nuzzle her neck. His wife started to move her head violently, at which
the man got up and left the room. The husband squirmed the chair across the
room to his young wife and hissed, "Darling, I saw him kissing you. He
probably hasn't seen a woman in years. Please cooperate. If he wants to have
sex, just go along with it and even pretend you like it. Whatever you do
don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives may depend on it!" "Darling," the
wife said, spitting out her gag. "I'm so relieved you feel that way. He
wasn't kissing me, he was whispering to me. He told me he thinks you're
really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom."
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John went to his friend's house unannounced, and he wanted to spend the
night. His friend was sorry that he could not offer him a whole room, so he
said, "You can sleep on the floor in the living room, or you can sleep in
the room with Baby." John said that he would prefer the floor. The next
morning he went to the bathroom, and there he met a gorgeous young blond.
"Hi," he said, "who are you?" "I'm Baby, and who are you?" "I'm stupid," he
said.
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Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk.
Both are dragging their right foot as the walk.
As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly,
points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."
The other hooks his thumb behind him says,
"Dog crap, 20 feet."
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Matt's dad picked him up from school one afternoon.
Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed
to be posted today, he asked his son if he got
a part.
Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten
a part. "I play a man who's been married for
twenty years."
"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and
before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking
part." |
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