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Jokes part 125
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| jploveparade |
Toilet Paper Name
A little old lady goes into the store to do some
shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet
paper.
"Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager,"but can you
explain
the differences in all these toilet papers?"
"Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is
as soft as a baby's kiss. It's $1.50 per roll."
He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft,
strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll."
Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call
that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll."
"Give me the No Name," she says.
She comes back about a week
later, seeks out the
manager and says,"Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet
paper. I
call it John Wayne.""Why?" he asks.
"Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't takecrap off
anybody!"
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Little Jenny came running up to her mother and said,
"Mommy, I know where babies come from". Her mother
asked her where and Jenny said, "From a man putting
his penis into a woman's mouth.". Jenny's mother said
"No Honey, that is where jewellery comes from".
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A blonde is driving down the road.
She notices that she's low on gas so she stops at
the gas station.
While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she
locked the keys in the car.
So when she goes inside to pay, she asks the
attendant for a hanger so she can attempt to open
the door herself.
She goes outside and begins to jimmy the lock.
Ten minutes later, the attendant goes outside to
see how the blonde is faring.
The blonde outside of the car is moving the hanger
around and around, while her blonde friend inside
of the car is saying, "A little more to the left...
a little more to the right!!"
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Thoughts for the New Year
1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life,
I can''t even get into my own pants.
2. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you''re
in bed with a relative.
3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with
"Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
4. I don''t do drugs anymore...I get the same
effect just standing up fast.
5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog,
get one flea..."
6. I have my own little world. But it''s OK...
they know me here.
7. I got a sweater for Christmas...I really wanted
a screamer or a moaner.
8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the
airport the terminal?
9. I don''t approve of political jokes...I''ve
seen too many of them get elected.
10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours
and head's'
11. I love being married. It''s so great to find
that one special person you want to annoy for the
rest of your life.
12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore
I am perfect.
13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number
of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
14. How come we choose from just two people to run for
president and 50 for Miss America?
15. Isn''t having a smoking section in a restaurant
like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
16. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
17. Every time I walk into a bar I can hear Mom''s wise
words: "Don''t pick that up, you don''t know where
it''s been!
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A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar
getting hammered. A man came in and asked the
farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this
beautiful day, getting drunk?"
The farmer shook his head and replied, "Some
things you just can't explain."
"So what happened that's so horrible?" the
man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.
"Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting
by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket
'bout full, she lifted her left leg and kicked
over the bucket."
"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad."
"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer
replied.
"So what happened then?" the man asked.
The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied
it to the post on the left."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and continued to milk
her. Just as I got the bucket 'bout full, she
took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."
Man laughed and said, "Again?"
The farmer replied, "Some things you just can't
explain."
"So, what did you do then?" the man asked.
"I took her right leg this time and tied it
to the post on the right."
"And then?"
"Well, I sat back down and began milking her
again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the
stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."
"Hmmm . . . " the man said and nodded his head.
"Some things you just can't explain," the farmer
said.
"So, what did you do?" the man asked.
"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore
rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail
to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell
down and my wife walked in . . .
Some things you just can't explain."
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There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved
because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able
to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be
able to take some of his wealth with him.
An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take
your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to
see if He might bend the rules.
The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel
reappears and informs the man that God had decided to allow him to
take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest
suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his
bed.
Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to
greet St. Peter. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't
bring that in here!" But, the man explains to Peter that he has
permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord.
Sure enough, Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You
are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check it's contents
before letting it through."
Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man
found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought
pavement?!!!"
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The loaded mini-van pulled in to the only remaining campsite. Four
children leaped from the vehicle and began feverishly unloading gear
and setting up the tent. The boys rushed to gather firewood, while the
girls and their mother set up the camp stove and cooking utensils.
A nearby camper marveled to the youngsters' father, "That, sir, is
some display of teamwork."
The father replied, "I have a system: no one goes to the bathroom
until the camp is set up."
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A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks,
"Mom why have I got these huge three-toed feet?" The mother replies,
"Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to
stay on top of the soft sand". "OK" said the son. A few minutes later
the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?" "They
are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the
desert", "Thanks Mom" replies the son. After a short while, the son
returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my
back?" The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, "They
are there to help us store fat for our long treks across the desert,
so we can go without water for long periods." "That's great mom, so we
have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand
from our eyes and these humps to store water, but Mom ..." "Yes son?"
"Why the heck are we in the San Diego zoo?"
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Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an
impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing
the sick-leave provisions set out by their contract.
One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator
held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he
announced, "called in sick yesterday!"
There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee,
who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.
A union negotiator broke the silence in the room.
"Wow!" he said. "Just think of the score he could have had if he
wasn't sick!"
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The local high school has a policy that the parents must call the
school if a student is to be absent for the day. Kelly (name changed
to protect the guilty), deciding to skip school and go to the mall
with her friends waited until her parents had left for work and called
the school herself. This is the actual conversation of the telephone
call.
Kelly: "Hi, I'm calling to report that Kelly so-in-so is unable to
make it to school today because she is ill.
Secretary at high school: "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. I'll note her
absence. Who is this calling?"
Kelly: "This is my mother."
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A little boy was sitting on the curb with a
gallon of turpentine and shaking it up and watching
all the bubbles. A little while later a Priest
came along and asked the little boy what he had.
The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful
liquid in the world, its called turpentine."
The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid
in the world is Holy Water, If you take some
of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's
belly, she'll pass a healthy baby boy."
The little boy replied, "Shoot, that ain't
nothin'. You take some of this here turpentine
and rub it on a cat's butt and he'll pass a motorcycle." |
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| dj_mdma |
| Some things u cant explain, rofl! :haha: :haha: :haha: |
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